Comments on: On Motherhood : Does the Bell Toll for Me?

By: womenatforty

womenatforty — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 09:30:58 +0000

Theresa, thanks for being so honest and open. It's a challenging road to take these days – waiting for someone to love and delaying, maybe forever, the possibility of having children. We'll be touching on this topic again in the near future to hear and share more stories like yours. Thanks for commenting.

By: Theresa

Theresa — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 07:53:17 +0000

I am nearing forty..within a few years. I'm one week away from divorcing my husband.. and we never had kids. For the 8 years we were married I wanted kids only about 10% of the time. I think it was the person I was married to. Something was just not right. After I separated from my husband I met a wonderful older man who was already a father to two grown boys and wow, he not only set off my biological clock, it went off like a TIME BOMB. Unfortunately that relationship didn't last and I am alone again. The decision to have children or not has not been an easy one for me. In my very early twenties before I was married I became pregnant out of wedlock and had an abortion. I think about that a lot now, to be truthful. There is a lot of sadness that comes to me at times when I see a pregnant woman – I often wonder what it is like. Then I hear the stories of the midnight feedings, diaper changes gone wrong, exploding poo, and spitup and I think, hmm. I am not sure I can do that. I believe that the path of my life is slowly being revealed to me page by page. Hopefully one day I will be able to face the uncertainty and make a decision. Until then I am enjoying being able to do what I want, when I want. My hope is that a wonderful man will enter my life, we will fall in love, and perhaps, have a family.
I

By: Kalin

Kalin — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 07:25:33 +0000

I've dealt with people thinking “Oh maybe she can't have children — tsk tsk tsk” whenever I said I don't want children. It was never a popular decision. But I knew that motherhood was something that would not fulfill me. As a travel writer, I prefer to travel without a diaper bag, or the guilt of leaving the child at home. I've never felt those strong maternal pangs that many women feel. However, I do love my nephews and I believe in the African proverb: It takes a village to raise a child. So I make it a point to be a part of children's lives by speaking to students and volunteering. Like Rachel, I have the best of both worlds — I can enjoy children without the real responsiblilty of having to raise them.

By: womenatforty

womenatforty — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 22:01:14 +0000

Good point Monique – Your dating circle does get a little wider when you're not so worried about whether your kids will inherit his male pattern baldness or overbite. Seriously though, you do start to view men differently and spend less time planning a future with them and more time enjoying the present.

By: womenatforty

womenatforty — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 21:58:40 +0000

Thanks for sharing! I appreciate your honesty in revealing that there are moments of sadness sometimes. I think it's important for us to admit the happy and sad times that come with the choices we make in life. I don't have kids either, and I know that I'll never experience that bond that I see on mothers' faces (including my own) when they talk about their children. That said, I do enjoy my freedom and being able to pick up and take off somewhere at a moment's notice.

By: kananipod

kananipod — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 09:49:54 +0000

Rachel, very cool post. I can relate! I turned forty this year and I'm childless… My bell didn't really start tolling until I approached 35, then it was more like panic alarm, lol. Like I'd better have them now so that way I won't forget their names in 20 years or be too old to pick them up and carry them around. I did a LOT of soul-searching this year and finally came to peace with my lifestyle sans kids, but once in a while I hear that bell tolling, but it's much softer now..like it's in the distance behind me. More important to embrace your life as it is now like you said, watching R movies, enjoying the late nights and a clothing optionl house. I know LOTS of moms out there that envy that about women like you and I! Even though I feel sad sometimes and hear that distant bell, I know that there's a design to my life now and that gives me peace. And like you said with time and some inward thought, the future will reveal itself to you.

By: Monique Mobley

Monique Mobley — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 08:56:06 +0000

wow… approaching 40 and already a mom…. I can really appreciate the perspective. I have loved ones who have recently decided not to have children. Coming to the conclusion has freed them from the pressures of looking for a suitable mate to build a family with. They now date interesting people without evaluating them based on the suitability for procreation.

By: On Motherhood: My two cents and my last two eggs | Women at Forty

On Motherhood: My two cents and my last two eggs | Women at Forty — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 04:25:56 +0000

[...] Like Rachel, I’m heading down the road to forty, sans children. It’s interesting to note people’s reactions when they hear that I’m almost forty and have no kids. It ranges from complete surprise – I even had one clown ask me if I was sure I didn’t have any – to pity. I’ve actually seen the “bless her heart” look wash over people’s faces when I tell them I don’t have children. When I hit them with the next line “…and I’m not sure I want any” you could knock them over with a feather. I usually get that reaction from much older men (and some women) who can’t believe that I haven’t fulfilled the one thing they believe women were put on this earth to do. I can almost hear them saying “what a waste!” [...]

By: Grace

Grace — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 04:05:22 +0000

As a fellow near fortier w/o kids, I feel you on this one. I've also heard from other women though who didn't necessarily have the yearning to have kids until they met the right man.

I'm not sure if even that would do it for me, especially since my poor little eggs are on their last legs these days, but I think it's to be commended that you've waited until you met the right person. Some people say it's selfish not to have children. I think it's the opposite. I think the person who takes inventory and realizes in the face of all kinds of social pressures, that it just might not be right for you, or right for now, is actually very selfless. Kudos Rachel.

By: Grace

Grace — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 04:04:41 +0000

As a fellow near fortier w/o kids, I feel you on this one. I've also heard from other women though who didn't necessarily have the yearning to have kids until they met the right man.