Alone for life?

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Filed under On Life, Single

00430895 thumb Alone for life?“I’ll be 40 in May and I’m sure I’ll never find anyone.”  Thus begins the most recent comment posted on what is, to date, the site’s most commented on post, I’ll be 40 soon and never been in a relationship.

And there’s more where that came from.  Statements like “I turned 40 this year. It was a major bummer because…I’m still alone for another birthday” and “I am a 48 yr old female, to this day never been on a real date,” remind me that for some women, 40 is not the joyous, liberating experience it is for others.

I never quite know how to respond to these comments. I’m certainly no psychologist or relationship expert and I don’t claim to be. My first instinct is to send a virtual hug to somehow let these women know they are not alone.  I want to tell them to talk to somebody – a trusted friend, a family member and certainly a professional who can help them discover the ultimate source of their feelings.

But I don’t have to be a relationship expert to relate.  As someone who has spent birthdays alone, who has yet to find “Mr. Right” and often questions his very existence, I understand the sadness and hopelessness behind their words.  That said, and keeping in mind I’m no card carrying member of “The Power of Intention” group, I truly believe this with all my heart — if you believe you’re destined never to find love in your life then you are absolutely right.  Am I saying that opening your eyes and mind to the mere possibility of love in your life means that a man – a great man – will come into your life by next Tuesday? Nope. But keeping your eyes and mind closed will almost guarantee that he won’t.

I believe in romantic love. I believe in its strength and power. I believe that if and when you find it, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences in your lifetime. And I also believe that we have the capacity to thrive and grow in a love that isn’t only defined by who we are or are not dating/married to. If we are open to it, our lives can be big enough to receive and give love in all the shapes and forms in which we’re blessed to receive it.

So how would you respond to “Alone for life”? Are you a woman at 40 who feels destined to be alone? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

  • Claire

    I know quite a few people over forty who are not in a relationship. Most of them seem to be happy because they have a fulfilling life otherwise, through career, hobbies, family, friends, pets. We are all ‘alone’ even in a relationship. We come into the world alone and we go out of the world alone. We may be in a relationship at forty and it could end before we are fifty. Our partner could leave us or die. There are no guarantees in life.

  • Kalinthomas

    Well said, Claire!

  • Widewidesea

    Hello?
    We’re talking about women who have NEVER had a relationship. I am one of those women. I am 53 years old. And I’ve never been shown love by a man for even one second. (except my dad who thank heaven was a loving if demanding father – in that respect I’m very fortunate!!)
    The simple reason is that I have always been “considered ugly” and men run the other way. And the less polite ones tell me how ugly I am.
    That’s it. It’s not complicated at all.

    I consider myself confident, witty, well read, compassionate, a good citizen of the world. But take it from me, a woman can be the finest human specimen on earth, but to men all her fine qualities count for absolutely nothing without some degree of physical attractiveness. Zero.

    So please don’t tell me to explore “the ultimate source of those feelings,” The ultimate source is perfectly clear: it’s the stark fact of not being wanted. I think today’s kids call it “unfuckable”. Nice word, eh?

    Spare us the unhelpful comments like “Everybody is alone at some point”
    And this one: “I believe in romantic love. I believe in its strength and power”

    Editor,the fact that I’m alone has nothing to do with belief or disbelief in romantic love, thank you very much.

    I believe in romantic love too. I want it. I have always needed it and wanted it, badly, since I was 13 or 14 – 40 solid years. So deeply that being denied it, forever, is slowly killing me.

    I sometimes dream about it happening: some man I am attracted to turns to me lovingly at last. Oh, at last, after all the empty years… sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet.

    But then I wake up and jolt back to reality, where the eternal impossibiltiy is the same, like an unbreakable law of nature: “romantic love” is as far out of reach as another galaxy.

    I think I got asked on a date once in my life, and that was 25 or 30 years ago. (we weren’t compatible at all)

    Nothing I do makes any difference. I’ve tried approaching men who I consider decent, interesting, eligible, and attractive in their way – and they are clearly so embarrassed by my interest that I’m ashamed to have put them in that position. (By the way, I have my pride and I respect theirs; once they make it clear they aren’t interested, the subject is closed)

    Over the years a few guys have approached me who clearly had the pitying attitude of “might as well fuck the ugly girl, she must need it” – thanks very much but I don’t want to have intercourse with someone who has contempt for me and will laugh about it afterwards. Yuck.

    I admit that when I attend the funeral of someone whose longtime spouse has died, a small corner of me is thinking, “Well – at least you had *something*.” Of course I woud never utter or hint at this selfish thought… but it is there.

    In a way I feel like I’ve spent my life in mourning for what never was and never will be. I don’t mean “eternal romance” or anything like that. I’d just like to feel loved, caressed and wanted, even for a little while, just once, before I die and go into oblivion.

    Sometimes, as the years and decades go by, it is quite difficult not to simply fall apart and lose my mind.

    So, Ms. Editor, what you need to realize is this hard fact:
    Romantic love from men is only available to physically attractive women.
    I don’t mean actresses or models. I mean women who have at least average attractiveness (which is what I lack).
    That’s the way this world goes.

    I’ve often wished I was a lesbian but that’s something you don’t get by wishing. Anyway, maybe women are just as shallow as men, when it comes down to it…

    And there are lots of sad men in the same position I am in life. But there seems to be a whole online industry devoted to lonely men’s needs and complaints. Eternally-alone women are invisible like a ghostly subset of humanity.

    So I wish one self-styled advice columnist, just one, would face the facts and deal frankly with eternally-alone women. (I mean unwanted and alone – not just unmarried.)
    For god’s sake don’t tell us we just need to “believe in love” or some such platitude.
    Find something creative and helpful to say, or don’t say anything.
    Or skip the advice and just tell us you care, and that you’re trying to understand, a little bit, our lifelong pain.

  • just40

    Without wishing to repudiate any of your points, I would just like to mention that in my experience things are different from how you portray them. I have seen very ugly women with handsome men, or just with ‘normal’ looking men. I find the bond to be based on personality: if the woman seems outgoing, interesting to talk to, strong willed, ‘electric’, vivacious, etc: you get the picture, then looks are secondary. Again, don’t know your personal ins and outs but am simply making a point that being ugly is not a real showstopper when it comes to relationships.

  • Anonymous

    I think that Just40 is right on target. Looks are subjective; as someone once said, “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” In my experience, I’ve encountered many less-than-stunning women who have found love and companionship with men from below average to Hollywood-leading-man looks. What all of these women have had in common is a mixture of traits including confidence, wit, kindness, optimism, generosity, humor, compassion and hope.

    I firmly believe that if you walk around believing that there is a dark cloud over your head and that nobody wants you now or ever will, you make that into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder and each person will see something different. However, if we don’t see the beauty in ourselves, it makes it exponentially more difficult for others to see it in us. Another saying that comes to mind is, “you can’t love another without loving yourself.” It applies to attractiveness as well; if I don’t find myself attractive, why should anyone else?

    I might not see myself as traditionally pretty or attractive, but I do find my eyes intriguing and like the fullness of my lips. I like the elegance of my long, dainty fingers and the way my freckles seem to dance all over my face when I laugh. Surely if I can find joy and beauty in those things, someone else can too. Perhaps I just need to get them started by showing them the beauty I find in myself.

  • Lcartertasha

    No Kalinthomas, what Claire said wasn’t well said. As a matter of fact, it was quite insensitive. This is not about women who have not been in relationships, this is about women who have not experienced love. Being fulfilled through our careers, hobbies, family, friends, and pets is only shortlived and does not provide the kind of love that an intimate relationship with a man that truly loves a woman can provide. The kind of love that’s missing from these peoples lives is far more important than the type of love that your above list can provide. I agree with your comment that we come into this world alone and that we’ll leave this world alone. However, I believe we are put here to experience love on all levels, givng and receiving. Tto be restricted from receiving love, which is a fundamental need, is detrimental to a human beings spiritual, and emotional growth. No matter who we are, we all need validation, we need to feel like we matter to someone, and we need to feel connected to someone who loves us back. To live a life and not experience this type of love can be very heartbreaking no matter how successful we are on our jobs, how much we love our hobbies, families, friends, and pets. This also goes beyond women being desparate for a man. Once a woman has gone most of her adult life without this kind of live, it becomes more of a spiritual conflict with God. The question becomes, why would God implant this desire in my heart and not fulfill it. What I don’t agree with is those that have given up. Never give up. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and love can come at any age. So even though I’m a 41 year old, attractive, outgoing, well traveled, well read, funny and witty professional woman who’s never had a relationship, having hope and faith that I’ll eventually meet that one man who will love me and I’ll love him back is what I’ll continue to hold on to because if I don’t have that, there’s no reason for me to get up every morning. I’ve had an abundance of life experiences, I’ve had a successful career, I’ve met some wonderful people and I’ve traveled to some amazing countries, but I would happily trade it all just to have someone to share my life with.

  • 123

    I agree with you Widesea. I don’t know if you’ll ever come back to read this, but I felt your pain in your post.
    I am a man who just fell out of a relationship and was cruisin around the web feeling sorry for myself. I’m 41 and have never been married. I have though had several years long relationships. I’ve had sex with a few really ugly girls too. I never laughed about it afterward though. I guess I’m different than most guys as I can see beauty in most everyone. All you have to do for me is smile. I remember the ugly girls fondly. There is a little place in my heart for all of them.
    You may very well never find love as you assume. Instead of worrying about it though, get on some dating site and find some company. If you’re going to stick to your guns and wait for mister right you will never experience what you’re lookin for. There is no mister right. We’re all just a bunch of shallow superficial idiots.
    You should also lower your standards. Go have sex with some guy that’s really ugly. You may soon find that you guys like eachother’s company.
    I hate to come off as brash with such shallow advice, but it seems your case is an extreme one. Apparently what you’re doing isn’t working so you should do something extremely different. You’re going to die someday. Take a chance and do something crazy. The internet has dating sites, and I can speak from experience that it works. The ugliest one was from the internet, and she was a wonderful experience. Let me tell you, when I say she was ugly, she had facial hair (she did shave it), ratty head hair, flabby skin from losing 100 lbs, saggy boobs from the weight loss, and just a general not good looking at all face. She was awesome though and we shared a lot of good times.
    Give it a try. What have you got to lose? You’re ugly and there’s nothing you can do about that. Now go out there and do what you can do. You were dealt a very bad hand, but even the lowest hand can sometimes win if played right.
    I do hope you can find companionship. No-one deserves to never be touched.

  • Blaskove

    Alone for life, life alone” is my own personal motto. I exude it; I breathe it, maybe that’s why I repel any possiblities for companionship. I have probably another 30 years of being without. I’m 43 this year. I’d rather be able to reply to people I…am the only one who holds me back from what I want and need to do, and not the ‘boyfriend’ or equivalent or kids. Looks probably have only 1/2 to do with why I’m alone, so I try to not hate myself for being (reportedly) so ‘beautiful’ but alone. I’m indisputably the latter. I do appreciate it volumes however, because it allows me to remain committed to celibacy and a relatively drama and heartache free existence. I never expect to be claimed much less married but the reasons have more to do with external societal markers than my own defects.

  • Celest

    I am 53. I believe in the power and joy of love…but know I am destined to be alone. 

    I have never been married. Every man I have dated has been deceitful and unfaithful. When I find out what they have been doing, I try and talk it out, but they see what they do as the norm.  They don’t look to a relationship for a best friend, lover, and partner for this difficult world.  They seem to consider woman as a necessary “thing” so that they can have sex…and sex with one woman is not enough. They need variety.
     
    How could I ever stay with anyone who I don’t really know because they have a secret life outside of what we have together? But I know it exists.  My parents were married over 50 years and showed affection every day till the day they died.  I have to say, I often question why God has forsaken me.  I continue to keep trying to believe, but now that my Mom and Dad are dead, I neither see nor have real love around me.  

    What I have done over my lifetime is try and date for a few years and then when I am too emotionally spent to handle the hurt and drama, I exit the dating world for a few years.  I tried again for the last couple of years and this has been the worst experience ever.  I’m going to give it up for the rest of my life.  The hardest part of this is that I need touch, affection, and I love sex.  

    The thought of having sex again is unbearable.  The fact of never having made love to a man is pathetic.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/IIODUX5NZVRY7JJKH76XOSOYE4 Elle

    How ugly are you?  If you’re elephant man ugly or crypt-keeper ugly, that’s one thing. If you are simply plain and/or overweight, those are things that can be fixed.  Getting your body in shape is the most important thing, and then and great hairdo and some makeup.  Have you tried these things?  Do whatever you can possibly do to improve your looks.  Trust me, if Tory Spelling can find a mate, anyone can.

  • Alone

    Listen to Beyonce performs “Learn to be lonely” at the Oscars, 2005. It was comforting.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ajai.pratap.50 Ajai Pratap

    contact for fun with a boy mail ajaimumbaimail@gmail.com

  • Tarantula

    I will be alone for life. Not by choice but by destiny and ignorance. I didnt know how to be a woman when I was young, I dont know how to be one now. I was ugly as a young woman, with a skin condition, smart, aggressive, angry, loud………….really ugly. As an older woman, I am more or less the same, but now old. I understand the reasons why I was the way I was, but I cant change the past. I know I am undesirable. And I ve lived unloved. I dont like it. But it is cause and consequence.

  • Tanya B

    I happened across this thread as I also asked the GOOGLE about being 53 and alone. I too enter and exit the dating “game” when I get sooooo lonely to NEED a person to date. I think what I am trying to say is a relationship that is based on sex is just that. Until I become Spiritually and Emotionally fit I will keep repeating the pattern of finding emotionally unavailable men… which in turn leads to non-fulfilled expectations, hurt, disappointment and the blame game of unfaithfulness and the sense of being used. … I do know I am not the victim here, I am the one who has a rushed desire to have a “relationship that is exclusive and long lasting” but yet I allow myself to jump into bed with someone who I really haven’t given the time to build a relationship with. (one month is not a long time) There is more to life that a 1 hour dinner, 1 hour sex, and of course travel time…. Quite honestly I have built a quiet and serene home for myself…. at my age I do not even know if I could be comfortable sharing my space and the majority of my time with a person. I spend 50 hours a week working, 35-50 hours sleeping…8-10 hrs a hours a day is all that is left…. how do I want to spend it? Dating seems a viable option as it does not impede on my time. I need to remember the key word is DATING…. I am a date …they are a date…My validation and the thought of being valued has to come from my friends, family, and my Heavenly Father

  • HowVeryTrue

    it is very sad that God can punish so many of us good people that want very much to find the right person to share a life with, and then makes other people very lucky to have met one another and have a family. i will never understand that.

  • Praying_Angel

    a real relationship is not known to me i never had any experiance …but GOD created created tur and real relationships , i have spend my life being unloved and i know first hand how that feels i spemd my intire life alone but now it is when you want ot have a true steady relationship and seems that your a cast out for all your life no one even gives you a second look it is like GOD created me and to any one i am invisiable ot the rest of the worldlike i do not exsist there are important parts of my life that is missing and since i ma older now those missing things in my life that are unknown to me i have no understanding of any true romantic relationship it is not known to me and it never will it feels life life as passed me by GOD and now that i am to old it is too late fore me i was even as achild alone i been a lone my intire life and to this very day i ma stilll a lone and i will die alone that is just how it is people like me are outcasts and there is nothing and that is the worst kind of death there ever will be . i just think GOD forget about me

  • Sky

    You’re not alone. Loneliness is the worst feeling. It is never ending. Sometimes a dull ache. Sometimes overwhelming sadness. I have been alone my entire life as well. As a child. A teen. A young adult. And now a grown man at 41. But even worse, I fell in love with a girl who married another. Long story for another day. Now it is a feeling of loneliness and loss. That being said, I don’t believe the story is over. You have to keep breathing. Tomorrow, the sun will rise. You never know what the tide may bring.

  • Tiffany

    Widesea, I completely understand. It hurts so bad. I have not found love at 53 as well. People even make fun of me because of this fact. I have had so many responsibilities in my life and before I knew it time has just passed by. Being a single parent all of my energies went into taking care of my child which I don’t regret but I left myself out of the equation which was wrong to do. I thought I was being selfless but instead it deprived my daughter of someone to love both her and I. Now, all of a sudden I realize that I am totally alone and it petrifies me. My looks are not what they once were and neither is my self-esteem. I have prayed every day for decades and still no one is there for me. I wonder why. I wonder why it is so easy for some people to find love and hard for others. Im a good person full of love. Why is it not meant to be for me? I don’t know. I hope that if anyone reads this they will pray for me, for love to come my way as I am in agony right now. It hurts so bad.

  • Sad

    I also have been alone most of my life, no real friends, no relationships, some days it feels like my heart is breaking, I don’t think I will survive into old age, it is just too much pain

  • HowVeryTrue

    the very sad thing is that there are so many Gay Women out there now making it much more harder for many of us Straight Guys looking to meet a Straight one today, since much more women are into other women now which is so very sad.

  • Be_sure

    Reality check for all you dear women: are you quite sure you really need a man? Go to Craigslist men seeking women for the nearest large city to you, and read the ads. Look at the obsession with twisted and deviant sex. Read the offensive names for your body parts. Observe the beast-like lust for anonymous encounters. Then imagine that energy in your life, and then that kind of animal left alone with your nine year old daughter.. unsupervised… while you’re at work.

    Think long and hard about that last sentence. Then consider this:

    By keeping you away from today’s males, the Universe may very well be doing you a huge, huge favor…

  • Nightqueen

    DAMN RIGHT-I COULD SAY MORE BUT I WONT.

  • Nightqueen

    Since my Daniel died,I have been cast adrift on an ocean of utter desolation.The man who was my closet friend dumped me,after telling me what a good time he was having.He then had the NERVE to say’I am sorry I broke your heart,HAHA,as IF HIM dumping me was more PAINFUL than the father of my girls and partner of 8yrs dying….My God (Forgive the Blasphemy) but this man has one MASSIVE ego to SERIOSLY believe that I would be MORE wounded than by my Daniel dying.Seriously out of touch with REALITY.How DARE he.The SHEER ARROGANCE made my blood boil.Now I just sit and CRY I dont CARE who or WHAT for anymore.I WISH I was DEAD.That is All there is to say.Nothing left.THE most DESTRUCTIVE ‘FrIendship’HAHA, Ever.

  • Farhan Khan

    I badly need someone please contact me +923452151076 Farhanbebo07@hotmail.com

  • Lynn

    Finally, other women in my shoes! I would be happy to make friends with anyone in this forum who would like to connect, even just to talk. Feel free to contact me at DLynn7019@AOL.com. I know it’s risky to post that but I’m just happy to know that I’m not alone out here.

  • Effintracer

    I’m just plain old ugly. Nobody ever liked me and anyone I liked was always taken. My standards aren’t too high at this point if accept anyone. I’ve never had a date never been in a ltr or str. Never been kissed had sex held hands. This post is ignorant

  • Effintracer

    I agree completely. Only my dad walked out on us. I’ve been told outright that I’m homely. Where’s the advice for people who are not attractive to others. A nice attitude doesn’t get you a date. Most people base the initial reaction off the initial attraction. If the person is ugly like us no amount of make up and clothes will change that

  • Effintracer

    You are mistaken. I’ve got a great personality and I’m usually the upbeat one in the crowd. I joke laugh play and enjoy my many many friends but they still well into my thirties remain friends. So what now for us ugly girls

  • Effintracer

    My thoughts exactly. These people who have obviously been in relationships aren’t true my grasping what it’s like to never be in one at all ever no matter how hard you try to “fix” your makeup,clothes, etc.

  • Anonymous

    I suspect there are alot of never married 40+ women out there, but there’s too much shame to talk about it openly. I am 46, never married, a virgin, and haven’t had but one date in the last 8 years. I have been told I am attractive (but I am definitely not
    “hollywood”), and I am thin, athletic and look young for my age (many people
    believe I am in my 30s). But all this has never mattered for me. For most
    of my life I have felt invisible to men. Everyone once in a while I’ll get a
    look, but most men will move on. I have had three boyfriends in my life, and
    all were screwed up and abusive. Then about 10 years ago, I got therapy
    and can honestly say that I am in a better place today, am a happy person and
    no longer suffer from low self esteem. But my observation is that finding a
    mate is not all about looks. I have seen too many unattractive, and even mean
    spirited women get married and get plenty of dates. I often wonder why their
    husbands put up with them. And I have seen a lot of very attractive, successful
    and kind women get passed by. I personally know 10 women, most virgins, who fit
    this category and who would make wonderful wives and mothers, but somehow, men
    want something else. I personally believe that my singleness and the singleness
    of many women like me is due to a severe shortage of marriageable men, and the
    fact that many men do not want emotionally healthy women. Often, a women who is
    emotionally damaged and unhealed is easier to control and expects less
    emotionally from a mate than one is who healthy. I believe that a man would
    prefer an emotionally unhealthy woman who is ordinary than a beautiful woman
    who is healthy. If they can find a beautiful woman who is unhealthy emotionally
    but not violent or too much trouble, then even better. And there are plenty out
    there.

    However, it’s still very painful to be single and alone, and I feel there is very little I can do about it. I am involved in my church and in the community, but these relationships are no substitute for the closeness of a husband and family. And frankly, the older you get the harder it is to build new friendships because so many adults are busy with their family and children and do not have room to invest in yet
    another close friend in their lives. It’s hard to find people who understand what it is like to be single and have no family, or to identify with the pain this brings. Most married people assume we chose this lot, and they couldn’t be further from the truth.

    I don’t believe I am destined to be single for the rest of my life, but I know the odds are against me. I have a lot to offer a man, and honesty, my situation has humbled me and taught me to appreciate a good man who is willing to love you. But there simply are not enough available men out there. I have come across very few. It’s depressing, but again, I feel it’s out of my control. For my part, I am “out there” busy with my life, savoring the friendships and hobbies I have, living the “active” life, but the man scene is as desolate as a desert.

    I encourage other singles out there to take it easy on themselves. There are many reasons you are single and probably most have nothing to do with your looks or faults. If you can make improvements, do so for your own sake and happiness, but understand the problem is probably bigger than you. Do your best to enjoy and appreciate the life and friends that you have, and ask God to help you live with the ache of being single. It’s normal and natural to hurt, but the pain does not have to be a life killer.

  • kester

    If you think Craigslist is a fair look into the minds of the average man you are insane. Trying to paint men as horrible predators is disgusting and you should be ashamed.

  • kester

    It’s not any easier for men. I am 40..at around 30 I was injured and lost my career. Due to flaws in the systems I was denied any assistance. I have struggled since to survive and my SO at the time left me as she didn’t want a “limited” life. I have tried to date since but even other broken people don’t want to date broken people. Like you people tell me I look younger and don’t look ill…they say I am kind and honest and that is what women always say they want…but since I became “less desirable” none have given me a chance. People are selfish in the end…

  • Anonymous

    Well this certainly explains why married men will always live much longer than single men.

  • kester

    You won’t because it’s bullshit. You are a misogynistic idiot.

  • Touchofsanity

    Well, I imagine they partner with other women because that’s their preference. They’re not doing it just to make it difficult for poor little old you. Talk about selfish – maybe take a look at that narcissistic streak for the reason you’re alone.

  • HowVeryTrue

    just maybe, if there weren’t so many rotten women out there nowadays that really think they’re all that which that is the real problem today for many of us men. And why on earth will i ever blame myself since i have no control over many women that are just so mean today, Certainly Not.

  • Touchofsanity

    As long as you continue to blame everyone else for the condition of your life, it will stay the same. The only thing any person can change is him/herself. If you try to change others, or “blame” them for making decisions that benefit them rather than you (Seriously?), you’ll find they walk away, quite rightly. People live life according to their own desires – that includes you – and their own standards. Nobody can possibly force their wants and standards on anyone else. That’s a recipe for self inflicted loneliness.

  • shanda1636

    No divine human being is ugly dear. U r just comparing yourself to the expectations of Hollywood. Smile learn to be comfortable with what you want in life if a guy cant see ur beauty then to hell with him. It sounds like some adult in ur childhood failed to tell you how wonderful you are. Try to be good to yourself okay. Hugs

  • shanda1636

    Maybe it’s a good reason for us to be alone sometimes. That way we learn to appreciate ourselves and others.

  • shanda1636

    Hey in some respect I agree . I guess my issue is much different im very attractive and love my family but I just want to be left alone by myself, it probably sounds terrible to say but I never want to depend on a man to hug me or need to depend on their love or affection for happiness. Im ok to just cook a good meal say hey to my husband make sure all is good and drift into my quiet place.

  • nobody

    I turned 40, 28 days ago. As with every birthday since i was 20 i took stock of my life except this time it wasnt with the hopeful naivety of my 20′s or the confident determination of my 30′s. No i turned 40 facing a number of truths no hopeful bullshit to soften the truth.

    I had spent the last 20 years being hard working, responsible and obedient. But i have never been on a date. Ive been a good daughter, sister and friend. But i sat alone in my office on my 40th birthday. I had to accept that i missed the fact that the people i cared for and sacrificed for started taking me for granted. So sitting in my office at 7pm i had to come to terms with the fact that i have a family as long as i supply what ever is required and that includes time and attention if thats what is needed, my feelings seem irrelevant in this supply and demand arrangement.

    I am a friend as long as i listen and i am sympathetic and I feel up to pizza/coffee/ etc when ever u do…. and as long as i dont actually require any attention myself…well noyhing that an sms or bbm conversation cant fix. And the rules…… i can be part of interesting conversations as long as its restricted to weekdays because weekends are for other friends… couple friends and families and when ure a frigid forty year old theres no chance of becoming part of the couples. And last i had to accept…. no chancee of ever having babies…. i oscillate a bit on that one from being very sad to being pragmatic… what poor child needs a dissociative workaholic mother.

    Now all i have to hope for is that life after 40 isnt that long.

  • Chachachacha

    I too was 40, had been on few dates, was a virgin (which isn’t a bad thing). I did the whole online dating thing. No long term relationships but I learned a lot. I look ok, average. I like how I look. I’m overweight. I spent a lot of my single years traveling, working, going to school, doing lots of church work. I vacillated between really liking my life and feeling despair. So I can relate.

    Out of the blue at 40, I met someone through a friend. One day he wasn’t there, the next he was in my life. He is a little younger than me, we match quite well together and we love each other. We are best friends. We are also getting married in a couple of months. I’m 42.

    I can’t say that everyone will meet someone. But I can say that sometimes things can happen when you least spect it. Online dating, though disappointing, prepared me, as did my long period of singleness. The challenge for me was remaining open to possibilities. Being open allowed me to receive him when my fiancé came into my life. Also, because I did stuff when I was single, I have no regrets.

  • Chachachacha

    I agree, craigslist is not what the average man thinks.

  • Chachachacha

    I don’t think God is punishing anyone with singleness. It is simply a state, just like marriage is a state. It is painful to be alone. I do think it is more painful to be with the wrong person though.

  • Chachachacha

    I don’t think you have to be alone. I do hope that one day you see yourself differently. People of all ages and descriptions marry.

  • Chachachacha

    Excellent post. I agree!

  • Jessica Walter

    I just wanted to express my gratitude and appreciation to prophet salifu for bringing my husband back to me,I was married to my husband for 4 years and all of a sudden he started seeing another lady (his mistress).he started hailing at me and he was abusive.. and he hated me , but I still loved him with all my heart . the situation made me unsettle and not to focus at work .so a friend told me about trying (prophet salifu )spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to him ? i did not listen to her and hoped that my husband will come back home . after 9 month of seperation and depression , it got out of hand and my husband came back home to break the news to me that he want a divorce that he is getting married to his mistress .Hmmm it was so shocking to me ,i felt sad and more depressed ,so i contacted my friend again and decieded to try to use spiritual means reluctantly..although I didn’t believe in all those things? I never thought in a million years that i will get my husband back to me a again. but I was proved wrong.after 24 hours, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it that we are back together. I am deeply satisfied and thankful with prophet salifu work .if you also want to fix you marriage or relationship email him at or , his work is for a better life .

  • Bags

    Yep, I am a man, trying to find any chat sites for on this subject for men is near impossible, believe I’ve looked pretty hard. I was married for 8 years till 31/12/1999 23:45, I’m now 42, since the split which she instigated by getting off with her own sisters husband and my ex-best friend. But I got over this after a year or two and now carry no baggage (and no kids), I consider myself a goods catch with money in the bank, a good professional job, generous, friendly (so my friends tell me) but however I would say I look quite plain.

    I had a little fling just after the split for around a month but I finished it as I know I was just on the re-bound and it was not fair to the nice lady, but since nearly 15 years have gone by with only one date in this time. I had put weight on, but lost all of it around 2005, i’m only 5’6″ and weigh around 10 stones now.

    I find it hard to except that I will be single for the rest of my life, however when ever I do talk to woman, and I do quite often as I’m not massively shy, I just get looked through like i’m invisible, in-fact most woman who talk to me just want to know who the good looking people i’m with are (my friend)

    Like you it’s very hard for a man of my age to meet anyone, I never get any on-line dating messages and very really get a response for any of the nice comments I make, and believe I do not message ladies ‘out of my league’.

    It’s very hard to meet people after work, and I don’t want to do “Bar Chat-up” which I always feel like it’s very creepy. I cycle every work day, go swimming 4-5 days a week, tried various activity’s, and still have not even made a new female friends never-mind anything else.

    So my point to this apart from a little self-therapy (talking/typing meant to help release life’s problems) is that there are men out there who would nothing more than to meet a nice “emotionally healthy” (not like my ex-wife) woman to take on the world together with.

    I dearly hope you do meet someone one day …