Editor’s Note:

This week at work we took personality tests… and I failed mine. Per my results, I am competitive to the bone, shallow on the surface, and stylish to a fault. In other words, I’m a drag queen.

Actually, I just wish I was. I’m not that fierce.

All that aside, the idea is noble. It’s to help us better understand ourselves and our peers so we can play to our strengths. It’s also a twist on the Golden Rule, and instead of treating each other the way WE want to be treated, we should use this information to treat people the way THEY want to be treated.

At any rate… since it’s like a twenty-two page instructional manual that’s all about me, I decided to give a copy to my partner, DB. Now you should know something, I love my partner beyond measure. He’s the warmest, sexiest, smartest man I have ever known. Honestly, if I could have custom-ordered a mate, it would be him. And while that’s GREAT and I appreciate him EVERY single day, it’s also intimidating. Because while I am a headcase, he happens to be cool. Very cool, actually. He’s a Buddhist who dropped out of the rat-race for a decade to play Blues guitar in Austin. He’s calm and he’s centered, and while I fully understand what I see in him, I literally have absolutely no idea what he sees in me. I have actually been described as a squirrel on Jolt, which is not altogether off the mark… And now, I have the data to prove it.

But it’s not just all of that (as if that isn’t bad enough), he’s also an amazing single dad who is incredibly good looking and in extremely good shape. He’s over six feet tall with salt and pepper hair, six pack abs, and an ex-wife who is a Yoga teacher. Yes… f***ing… really. Clearly I needed more evidence that God hates me, because let’s be honest, the three hottest fantasies men have include nurse, porn star, and Yoga teacher. No, it’s true. I’ve asked.

So when he asked me out, you can imagine my reaction. It was somewhere between shock and horror. Shocked because I’m thirty-eight years old, and on my best day, I never looked like a Yoga teacher. Horrified because I’m thirty-eight years old, and on my best day, I never looked like a Yoga teacher.

Now… if you ask him to tell this story, he will tell you that I was playing hard-to-get. I, however, will tell you the truth. I was terrified, but you have to understand something. The last time I dated, I was twenty, when awkward meant your date crossed that fine line between, “Trust me baby, you’re gonna dig it” and “Wow, I f***ing hate you. You should leave now.” At thirty-eight, awkward enters a realm that you can’t even begin to wrap your head around. It’s somewhere along the lines of… this is gonna get weird before it gets cool.

And just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes an arsenal of qualified adults to get a divorced woman ready for sex. It does. At the very least, it’s your best friend, your sister, your therapist, your stylist, and the manager at your local Ann Taylor. Your best friend talks you out of it, your sister talks you back into it, and your therapist helps you weigh the pros and cons of each. Then, once you decide that you actually CAN do this, your life becomes a flurry of activities best described as a work plan to make it happen.

1. You calendar sync with your partner and the kennel. In other words, is your date available, are you available, and are the kids unavailable? You want the house completely to yourself. No one wants to get caught by their kids or watched by their dog. If you wanted that, you never would have gotten divorced.

2. You agreed on the day and time, now you have to start preparing physically. This is where your dignity takes its first hit. You go to the salon, strip down and have your eyebrows, legs, and bikini line waxed. Then you get your facial, your pedicure, and your high-lights handled. In other words, you pay about $400 to look thirty-seven instead of thirty-eight. So literally, you run through your budget and wonder if you can afford to have sex. And for the first time in your life, you understand how college guys in Vegas feel.

3. You know the day and you know the time. You’ve gotten all of the hair on your body handled. And while you may look thirty-seven, you look like a thirty-seven year old workaholic. That means your body has betrayed you on every level imaginable… unless you’re a Yoga teacher. So, you call the manager at your local Ann Taylor, who has been dressing you for a decade, and you explain the situation, clearly giving new meaning to the phrase “retail therapy.” Your ass has to look smaller. Your boobs need to look bigger. She’s been here with you before: career events, Christmas parties, divorce court, first date. She knows what you need, and she has five outfits – complete with shoes – ready for you when you get there.

Now… I love this woman. She has great taste, and she is brutal. She knows my physique and she knows how to dress it. And better than that, she’s a divorced, middle-aged woman who has been in this boat herself. And even though she’s my age, she’s like a fairy God-mother getting mid-life crisis Cinderella ready for the ball, no pun intended. Only the glass slipper is a stiletto that costs $150 and is designed to give you height so your weight is distributed and your ass looks smaller. You look GREAT. The only problem with the outfit you just bought… is that it has to come off if you want to have sex.

So, everything is done. You’re physically ready, but emotionally and psychologically you’re not even remotely close to being prepared. You’ve talked to your sister, your best friend, your mother, your therapist and your bartender, and the day arrives, but… like Churchill said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” So you keep the date, and it’s gone great. He’s an amazing guy. You’ve talked. You’ve eaten. You’re at his place, and you’re kissing. One thing leads to another, and you’re in his room, on his bed. He’s harder than Calculus, but the thing is… you know you got fucked by Calculus. You’re still not sure how THIS date is going to end. It is, as they say in Vegas, a crap-shoot because part of you is REALLY digging it, but part of you is terrified since you haven’t done this in a very, very, VERY long time. So you tell yourself that having sex is just like riding a bicycle. Then you remember… the last time you rode your bike, you ended up with scabs on both knees, and how the HELL would you explain THAT at work THIS time. Then you’re thinking about Calculus and how you were twenty when it fucked you, too, and how that didn’t end well for you either, so what the HELL are you doing in this situation? And part of you is imploding and part of you is exploding, and you are literally a human push-me, pull-me of action and reaction.

At that moment, you have to fish or cut bait because clothes are starting to come off. That’s when he takes off his shirt and you see that he has a great body. God clearly hates you. He still has the physique of a twenty year old. You… not so much. You take off your shirt, and the only way to describe the difference between your body at twenty and your body at thirty-eight is that you are like a transatlantic flight, “Please be careful when opening the overhead compartment, as the contents have shifted in transit.” And then you shut off the lights and think this is going to get weird before it gets cool… and it does. And for the first time in your life, you’re glad you aren’t a drag queen. Even if you aren’t fierce.

M Kromd is a self-described “divorced, middle-aged woman simply trying to make sense of this mad, mad world.” She blogs on her website, My Karma Ran Over My Dogma.   

It’s a good thing too, because in the first month of the new year, my workload has unexpectedly increased, a couple of unanticipated projects have come my way and…my laptop crashed. Died. Destroyed. Failed. So there go my big plans for January, 2012 …except I hadn’t really made any. For once.

Instead, I’d been making small changes to get rid of bad habits and replace them with good ones. Every single day – not declaring intention, but instead heading in the direction of the place I want to be.  And no, (ok, very few) goals. In his guest post on Zen Habits, Jeff Goins wrote about what to do instead of setting goals…

There is an alternative to setting goals that will bring you closer to the life you want. Focus on a few practices you can enjoy doing on a regular basis. The trick here is consistency. These four helped me:

• Get up early. When the world wakes up, distractions abound. If you are going to focus on creating a new life for yourself, you’ll need to find the time. The best way to do this is to work while others are sleeping. At first, I didn’t like waking up before the sun, but eventually my body adjusted and I began looking forward to the solitude.
• Over-commit. The adage “under-promise and over-deliver” is a farce. It only propagates the status quo. Real difference-makers push boundaries. They test, prod, and poke until something gives. You can do this, too, by saying “yes” to more things than you’re comfortable with. Learn to stretch yourself. You might be surprised by what you’re actually capable of. Your confidence will grow, too.
• Talk to strangers. Relationships are what make the world go round. This is true for your career, personal well-being, and inner life. When you meet new people, you make connections that can lead to all kinds of future breakthroughs. Even when it’s uncomfortable, reach out and introduce yourself to new people. The worst they can say is “no.” Fortunately, many won’t.
• Practice generosity. Give away your time, money, services, and ideas. When you do this, you will get a lot more than you give. People will learn to trust you, and if you really help them, they will tell others about you. This will build your reputation, and you will have more friends than you know what to do with. And as the saying goes, what goes around really does come around.

You can read Jeff Goins’ entire post here. How much closer are you to giving up the life you’ve planned for the life that’s waiting for you? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook page.

the best goal is no goal – Leo Babauta

The idea of having concrete, achievable goals seem to be deeply ingrained in our culture. I know I lived with goals for many years, and in fact a big part of my writings here on Zen Habits are about how to set and achieve goals.

These days, however, I live without goals, for the most part. It’s absolutely liberating, and contrary to what you might have been taught, it absolutely doesn’t mean you stop achieving things.

It means you stop letting yourself be limited by goals.

Consider this common belief: “You’ll never get anywhere unless you know where you’re going.” This seems so common sensical, and yet it’s obviously not true if you stop to think about it. Conduct a simple experiment: go outside and walk in a random direction, and feel free to change directions randomly. After 20 minutes, an hour … you’ll be somewhere! It’s just that you didn’t know you were going to end up there.

And there’s the rub: you have to open your mind to going places you never expected to go. If you live without goals, you’ll explore new territory. You’ll learn some unexpected things. You’ll end up in surprising places. That’s the beauty of this philosophy, but it’s also a difficult transition.

Today, I live mostly without goals. Now and then I start coming up with a goal, but I’m letting them go. Living without goals hasn’t ever been an actual goal of mine … it’s just something I’m learning that I enjoy more, that is incredibly freeing, that works with the lifestyle of following my passion that I’ve developed.

The problem with goals

In the past, I’d set a goal or three for the year, and then sub-goals for each month. Then I’d figure out what action steps to take each week and each day, and try to focus my day on those steps.

Unfortunately, it never, ever works out this neatly. You all know this. You know you need to work on an action step, and you try to keep the end goal in mind to motivate yourself. But this action step might be something you dread, and so you procrastinate. You do other work, or you check email or Facebook, or you goof off.

And so your weekly goals and monthly goals get pushed back or side-tracked, and you get discouraged because you have no discipline. And goals are too hard to achieve. So now what? Well, you review your goals and reset them. You create a new set of sub-goals and action plans. You know where you’re going, because you have goals!

Of course, you don’t actually end up getting there. Sometimes you achieve the goal and then you feel amazing. But most of the time you don’t achieve them and you blame it on yourself.

Here’s the secret: the problem isn’t you, it’s the system! Goals as a system are set up for failure.

Even when you do things exactly right, it’s not ideal. Here’s why: you are extremely limited in your actions. When you don’t feel like doing something, you have to force yourself to do it. Your path is chosen, so you don’t have room to explore new territory. You have to follow the plan, even when you’re passionate about something else.

Some goal systems are more flexible, but nothing is as flexible as having no goals.

How it works

So what does a life without goals look like? In practice, it’s very different than one with goals.

You don’t set a goal for the year, nor for the month, nor for the week or day. You don’t obsess about tracking, or actionable steps. You don’t even need a to-do list, though it doesn’t hurt to write down reminders if you like.

What do you do, then? Lay around on the couch all day, sleeping and watching TV and eating Ho-Hos? No, you simply do. You find something you’re passionate about, and do it. Just because you don’t have goals doesn’t mean you do nothing — you can create, you can produce, you can follow your passion.

And in practice, this is a wonderful thing: you wake up and do what you’re passionate about. For me, that’s usually blogging, but it can be writing a novel or an ebook or my next book or creating a course to help others or connecting with incredible people or spending time with my wife or playing with my kids. There’s no limit, because I’m free.

In the end, I usually end up achieving more than if I had goals, because I’m always doing something I’m excited about. But whether I achieve or not isn’t the point at all: all that matters is that I’m doing what I love, always.

I end up in places that are wonderful, surprising, great. I just didn’t know I would get there when I started.

Quick questions

Question from a reader: Isn’t having no goals a goal?

Quick answer: It can be a goal, or you can learn to do it along the journey, by exploring new methods. I’m always learning new things (like having no goals) without setting out to learn them in the first place.

Another question from a reader: So how do you make a living?

Answer: Passionately! Again, not having goals doesn’t mean you stop doing things. In fact, I do many things, all the time, but I do them because I love doing them.

Tips for living without goals

I am not going to give you a how-to manual for living without goals — that would be absurd. I can’t teach you what to do — you need to find your own path.

But I can share some things I’ve learned, in hopes that it will help you:

• Start small. You don’t need to drastically overhaul your life in order to learn to live without goals. Just go a few hours without predetermined goals or actions. Follow your passion for those hours. Even an hour will do.
• Grow. As you get better at this, start allowing yourself to be free for longer periods — half a day or a whole day or several days. Eventually you’ll feel confident enough to give up on certain goals and just do what you love.
• Not just work. Giving up goals works in any area of your life. Take health and fitness: I used to have specific fitness goals, from losing weight or bodyfat to running a marathon to increasing my squat. Not anymore: now I just do it because I love it, and I have no idea where that will take me. It works brilliantly, because I always enjoy myself.
• Let go of plans. Plans are not really different than goals. They set you on a predetermined path. But it’s incredibly difficult to let go of living with plans, especially if you’re a meticulous planner like I am. So allow yourself to plan, when you feel you need to, but slowly feel free to let go of this habit.
• Don’t worry about mistakes. If you start setting goals, that’s OK. There are no mistakes on this journey — it’s just a learning experience. If you live without goals and end up failing, ask yourself if it’s really a failure. You only fail if you don’t get to where you wanted to go — but if you don’t have a destination in mind, there’s no failure.
• It’s all good. No matter what path you find, no matter where you end up, it’s beautiful. There is no bad path, no bad destination. It’s only different, and different is wonderful. Don’t judge, but experience.

And finally

Always remember: the journey is all. The destination is beside the point.

‘A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.’ ~Lao Tzu

So, will you be setting goals for 2012? Yeah, so will I. Baby steps…

This post was reprinted with permission from Leo Babauta of Zen Habits. You can find the original post, the best goal is no goal, here.

Disclaimer: For the 20 & 30 somethings reading this blog, I am not an accurate reflection of 40. ALL of my 40 year old friends (and several enemies) have smart phones and use them. My father gets and sends text messages. I am a cheap, late adopter determined to beat the ubiquitous “MAN.”

I don’t check emails, FB and Twitter non-stop, although as a blogger, that’s probably a cardinal sin.  I have recently though, made a Kindle purchase, and took a walk on the wild side by getting the 3G version. Which now means I can access emails just about anywhere. And anytime.  So, a couple of months ago when I checked my emails at 11:54pm on a Tuesday night (way past my bedtime) my mouth FELL open when I saw that I’d gotten an email from someone at The Today Show and she was asking me for help.

Long story short, we tried to help, but she’d contacted me on a very tight deadline (hers not mine) and with very specific geographic requirements and alas, as women at 40 in 2011, we all have jobs, families and other obligations that are impossible to change last minute, even if it is for our beloved Today Show. *sighs*

Then a couple of months after that, BBC Radio called me on the horrendous signal I get on my average IQ phone and wanted me on the air for a segment on women in their 40s. In less than an hour. *Pulls hair from head and screams Nancy Kerrigan style, WHYYYY!*  I was at work and had a meeting with the CEO I was obliged to attend. OBLIGED. I’m still getting flack from some folks who think I should have ditched that meeting, but my dreams for this project will pay my bills in the future, that job pays my bills TODAY.

That said, the next media giant that contacts me, I’ll get on a plane, take a personal day, move whatever mountain I need to move to make it happen because I am determined that, for me at least, the third time will be the charm. (Photo: by i_yudai)

What opportunity are you determined not to miss if it comes your way? Share your Third Time Charm in the comment section or on our Facebook page.

Your “Stop Doing That” list is just what it sounds like – a list of things you’ve made up your mind to stop doing. I’m really good at writing (and then promptly ignoring) my daily/weekly/annual to do lists. And I’ve also started to rethink these lists/goals/plans I make for myself every year only to have something else, sometimes better, sometimes not, happen. But, things I can stop doing? That’s in my control – no outside forces, no unpredictable economy, finances or people. Things I can stop doing is all me.  (Image: Spanish stop sign because sometime the signs we get aren’t always in a language we can understand)

So here’s a list of 3 things I’m going to stop doing in 2012 

1. Watching mindless television. I enjoy watching television. A lot. But there are times when what’s on TV is so bad, even a devout TV fanatic can’t watch. Yet, I won’t turn it off. It’s a time waster and a really bad habit.

2. Lying to myself about the reasons I don’t do some of the things I should do.  I’m not fooling anybody, least of all myself. My knee and my migraine headaches are my go-to excuses for not working out, but if I’m really being honest, a lot of the times I’m not working out because I’m just too lazy. There I said it. I’m not proud of it, and the feelings admitting this generates could spawn a whole series of posts, but it is the truth, and if being honest with myself moves me closer to being the person I am meant to be, then brutal honesty is my mantra in 2012.

3. Hiding, being anti-social. I talk a lot. A lot. I’m quick with a joke and can have a long meaningful conversation with a bag of flour – that’s how much I love to talk. But despite that, on most occasions, I’d choose being at home reading or watching TV over being out in a crowd meeting new people. I’m hiding out. From what or whom, I’m not quite sure.  I’ve spent the better part of the past few years hiding out for whatever reason, and in that time who’s telling how many potential new friends, relationships and opportunities I’ve missed out on. Time to stop hiding.

That’s just 3 of the things I’m prepared to stop doing in 2012 – there’s a bunch more, but later for that. What are you going to stop doing in 2012? Share in the comment section below or on the Facebook page.

In other news, several people who thought that standing in line at 3 in the morning was absolutely ridiculous thought that robbing the people at gunpoint who did stand on line at 3 in the morning was a better plan.  And Walmart, once again takes the prize for Places to Witness the Worst of America.  And not just because sometimes Walmart shoppers wear things like this.

The hysterical materialism of the past few days is enough to make even the cheeriest holiday reveler a bit gloomy. But here are a few things that happened over the holiday weekend that didn’t hit the headlines as hard but should have…

• Gabby Gifford served Thanksgiving dinner to members of the military
• An 11-year-old Washington boy saved his mother’s life from a drunken attacker using a BB Gun
• In its 41st year, Atlanta-based Josea Feed The Hungry set up shop at The Georgia World Congress Center and served Thanksgiving dinner to over 40,000 needy families
• A teenager riding his bike noticed a truck on fire and pulled the unconscious owner from the burning vehicle, saving his life
• Meals on Wheels volunteers across the country prepared, packed and delivered dinners to thousands of needy families

So it appears that despite some people’s best attempts to put a price tag on the holidays, there are many of us who still value the things about the holidays that remain priceless. So maybe it is looking a little like Christmas after all.

• New York – Bergdorf’s, Barney’s, Tiffany’s, and my favorite for “orgasmic” deals, Century 21.  Let’s face it:  New York is the CAPITAL of shopping.   You have to make a pilgrimage at least once!
• Chicago – Michigan Avenue. Sadly historic Marshall Fields – which had a wonderful shopper’s tour — is gone, but there’s still plenty of shopping to be had on Chicago’s “Magnificent Mile”.
• Minneapolis – The 520-store Mall of America.  This place blew me away! It’s like Disney for shoppers!  You can even get married at the mall!
• Los Angeles – Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.   Where the stars shop!  But one of my best shopping finds is It’s a Wrap in Burbank,  a thrift shop that exclusively sells clothes worn by TV and film stars.  The tags even have the name of the celebrity who wore the couture, or the TV show/film where the wardrobe was worn!
• Sunrise, Florida – When I visit Fort Lauderdale I make a stop by the  country’s largest outlet, value retail and entertainment center, Sawgrass Mills.  It’s one of several shopping destinations that plan to open 10pm today and stay open for 24 hours.

If you’re looking for a fun way to get your holiday shopping done, check out Shopping America Tours http://www.shopamericatours.com/ for shopping, dining and cultural tours in 40 U.S. cities.  It makes for a great girlfriend getaway or 40^th birthday trip.  To find out what’s new in shopping tourism, travel to the One Travel Conference in Orlando, January 15-17.

Finally for those of you who plan to go straight from dinner to discounts – check out this site for the latest Black Friday deals. What you save on prices,  I’ll be saving in sleep time! Shop ‘til you drop and tell me about your favorite shopping destinations!

And remember:  “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness.” – Mark Twain

Kalin Thomas is Women at Forty’s Travel & Leisure Editor. She is also Senior Writer/Photographer for SoulOfAmerica. Before starting her own multimedia company, Kalin spent 17 years at CNN where she won several awards for her work as producer/correspondent for CNN’s weekly travel program, CNN TravelNow. She is currently writing a book about her travels. For more information on Kalin, visit www.seetheworldproductions.com.

Here are a few more things (important and otherwise) I’m grateful for in 2011…

1.) My mom retiring and taking water aerobics, dance class and piano keyboard lessons making me proud and reminding me that it’s never too late to do the things you were meant to do.

2.) Income – It fluctuates, at times never seems enough and makes me question what I’m doing, but with record unemployment across the country, it is appreciated.

3.) My 16 year old TV finally kicked it this year, and if it hadn’t I would never have realized how awful the picture had become. On the new TV I can actually see people’s faces.

4.) Kindle daily deals and free books. What?! (said in my best Guster from Pysch voice) A Godsend for the cheap frugal shopper in me.

5.) Being uncomfortable. Let me explain. When it comes to the things we really want in life – health, peace of mind, using our gifts and talents – if we operate at a level that’s less than what we’re meant to, it’s uncomfortable. The job we just tolerate is ALWAYS frustrating, the relationship we know we deserve better than is ALWAYS disappointing, and if we’re not at optimal health, we just don’t feel “right”. And when things aren’t comfortable we move, make changes, do something – anything, to improve our situation. That’s where I’ve been for a while and I am grateful for it.

6.) This platform and the women at Women at Forty who continue to share their stories.

7.) This recipe for a Pastelitos de Guayaba, a Cuban pastry I fell in love with, and Anthony Bourdaine’s method for roasting fish from his book Kitchen Confidential.

8.) Two things with the word “Happy” in the title. ABC’s Happy Endings which makes me laugh out loud EVERY time I watch it (and reminds me how old I am because I remember when Damon Wayans looked just like Damon Wayans Jr. looks now.) Some of my favorite lines from Happy Endings; “I’m 30, and I’m Catholic and I’mma die alone in a light-up Christmas sweater talking to a menagerie of parrots”, “This cleanse is brutal. I lost 11 pounds… today.” -Brad, “I have two work husbands, three work ex-boyfriends, one work stalker and one work dog.” –Penny. The website Happy Place is my other happy. It’s a sarcastic, cyncial view of work life, school life and life in general brought to you by the people who actually said/did/saw/videoed the things we’re reading about.

9.) Sesame Street. I will be 90 and Sesame Street will still be on this list.

10.) The best, most eclectic Bible study group ever where on an average day the conversation runs from The Book of Acts, to the merits of The Matrix, to Idris Elba. And let’s not forget the enduring question of why no one will tell Shemar Moore that it’s 2011 and no one thinks using the expression “Baby Girl” when talking to a woman is sexy. Ever. Except maybe Shannon.

11.) No gratitude list is complete without me mentioning my sisters, parents and friends and family who always have my back.  Blessed much?

What made your 2011 gratitude list? Share your list in the comment section, on our Facebook page or email contribute (@) womenatforty (dot) com.  Wishing everyone in The Women at Forty community a Happy Thanksgiving!

Editor’s Note:

I’ve decided against plastic surgery. I like how I look even as I get older. Yes, I see my little fat cheeks dropping a little, and I notice more lines under my eyes…but I remember that they are there because I laugh a lot and that’s a good thing, right? -E

For me, aging gracefully means accepting myself and loving myself as I am. I am fortunate that my only telltale aging sign is gray hair, which I’ve had since my early 20s. While I do color my gray, I highly doubt that I would or will ever have plastic surgery/Botox/Restalayne/etc.. -R

I would consider having plastic surgery, in fact I admit that I started doing fillers and botox about 1 year ago. What does aging “gracefully” mean anyway? Does it mean we have to accept the fact that we just don’t look like 20 anymore? I get that! I don’t want to look like 20 because I feel different now than I did 20 years ago. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to look my best, does it? – S

I had procedures done as well, Botox, Sculptra, Chemical peels and I might consider more “drastic” measures in the future if I feel I have to. I will turn 40 this year and although I know I am now considered to be a “middle aged woman” now, I will not let myself go. – Sun

Is there more pressure now to greet your 40s gracefully, without ever considering plastic surgery, or does society still want women at 40 to look young forever? Share your thoughts in the comment section and sound off on our Facebook page.

But, this inspires me, encourages me, reminds me that I don’t have to try to be that woman. I already am.

So today be that kind of woman. And tomorrow, get up and be her again. And soon you’ll find that you’ve lived your life being that kind of woman.

(Image: Pinterest)