Beyond the ‘Cougar’ label: Confessions of a non-cougar

I find it quite ironic that she feels justified in stereotyping men her age (or older), but feels 'beyond' a common stereotype of women her age. I believe that people should date/marry whomever they choose. However, I don't understand why people feel the need to assign generalizations to groups of individuals. The notion that younger men are mostly this… or older men are mostly… feels like a copout. The same as when someone exclusively dates outside of their race, because they claim that 'men/women within their race are all… (fill in the blank)'. When I hear this explanation, it seems that the person is fooling his/herself. For every older man who has a preconceived notion of what a wife should be, there is a younger man who shares it. In my opinion, her choice was more about how she values and perceives youth more than anything else.

I, too, cringe at the word “Cougar” and dislike how the media always wants to make the younger man/older woman relationship about sex and money. As a human behavior research specialist with a Ph.D. in Psychology, I have studied the cross generational dating dynamics between younger men and older women for over 20 years and determine is is more than a fad, trend, passing fancy. Historical accounts dating back beyond 41 A.D. show powerful men who married older women. http://cougarinternational.ning.com/profiles/bl…

There is a positive imprinting that takes place in a man when he is a child or adolescent that keeps him coming back to older women as partners throughout his life. I once interviewed a man who married an older woman when he was 82 years old. He told me older women were always better. It is something he never “outgrew.” I despise the stereotyping that cougars are desperate, horny, stiletto wearing, booze guzzling predators. Women at 40 who behave this way were behaving this way when they were 20. It has more to do with their personality disorder than their age or being a cougar.

The thousands of younger men, older women I have interviewed in 20+ years are regular, every day people in relationships. They are not movie stars. They do not have Madonna's money or celebrity. They don't look like Demi Moore. 90% of these women are looking for long term relationship or marriage. 35% of women in the UK are either in a relationship or married to younger men. The percentage is growing.

The women who cruise bars looking to get laid and dump a man are, frankly, pathetic and probably have emotional or mental issues concomitant with drug and alcohol problems. This is acting out behavior and not in keeping with an emotionally or mentally healthy woman with self respect. These are the types of women who give any woman seeking to date a younger man a bad name. And since the media thrives on sensationalizing and sex and money sell, they capitalize on this very small demographic.

Those most threatened by this dynamic are older men and younger women who are seeing their available pool from which to choose, shrinking. These are the people who utilize the media most to vilify and ridicule the older woman dating the younger man. Note that seldom if ever is the younger man ever vilified or ridiculed. It is the woman who gets painted with the scarlet letter. The younger men are portrayed as “prey”, vulnerable and unsuspecting “meat” for the “predator” cougar to “pounce” upon and “devour.” Headlines such as,”Mothers, Lock up Your Sons. The Cougars are In Town” further paint a demographic of women with a broad stroke of vilification.

I work very hard as an advocate for this community. Women have come a long way from being chattel who could not vote, own property, get credit in their own names. It appalls me to see neurotic women who think they are empowering themselves by acting out sexually, like the very men who repulsed them. Since when did becoming like a man make a woman better? Yet many women think that in order to live up to the stereotype, they must go to bars, drink, party and drag home a young man. At the end of the day, this is very unfulfilling for them. They are trying to live “up” to the adolescent male stereotypical fantasy of the older woman; instead of defining for themselves who they are or want to be as women.

If you see it on tv, it must be reality, right? Wrong. The show Cougar Town has done much to damage the image of the Cougar woman. Courteney Cox plays a neurotic, immature “girl” who has the mentality of a junior high school kid. She frequents bars with her friends, brings home men for sex, has no boundaries with her son and her ex husband (also a junior high mentality character) and her leopard print, stiletto wearing girlfriends who are as neurotic and ill defined as women as she is are there to give her advice. Could we make women over 40 look any more ridiculous?

The vast majority of women who are proud to call themselves Cougar do so as a rite of passage. They have suffered the slings and arrows of life and made it through. They are mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, daughters, secretaries, dentists, hair stylists, accountants, sales people, doctors, attorneys, soccer moms, PTA presidents. They are more than a label. They are women. But because society needs to label, categorize and put things into boxes in order to make sense of the world, they are called “Cougars.” Men came up with the name. Men came up with the associated vernacular, and of course, since younger men are driven by testosterone and a need to conquer, they had to sexualize it and wrap it into a package of objectification along with pointy ears, a long tail, big boobs and wads of money.

Younger women are seeing their young men flock to older women, so many of them are now calling themselves “Cougars.” I am an expert for Hercampus.com, an online collegiate newspaper started by Harvard graduates. I have written articles for them and others about the younger women who are trying to jump on the older women's bandwagon. The truth is, regardless of what they call themselves, they do not have the longevity, sophistication, life experience or the maturity to warrant the name.

The media hype about this dating demographic may fade away, but the dating dynamic will not. If anything, it will increase its numbers due in fact to women being more financially independent and seeking out younger men as mates, as they do not have to marry for money or security. Any time there is change in society, there is always conflict: women's suffrage, civil rights, gay rights. Sooner or later, this too shall pass and conflict and criticism will give way to tolerance and acceptance. In the meantime, vilification and ridicule will be predominate. Hopefully, the mature voice of the Cougar woman will prevail.

Dr Fayr,

You make some great points. I already wrote on my blog about how some women who are badging themselves as cougars are fooling themselves if thing think that doing so is somehow empowering. I'm also seeing a marked increase in men who think that cougar = sugar momma. A lot of it is undoubtedly to do with how the media is presently portraying those of us who date/marry younger men. And of course, the ultimate losers are women.

Truth be told, the age gap between my husband and I doesn't often figure in our day-to-day life together. Sure, there are some times when it becomes apparent – when my husband is leaning a lesson I learnt myself at his age, or when I'm experiencing something that is outside of his realm of life experience – those are the things that give us cause to reflect on the fact that those differences exist.

Other than those times, it's only when we're subject to comments from friends, family and colleagues, or askance looks strangers in the street that we remember that there is an age difference. And we shrug our shoulders and smile – if there are issues, they are usually other people's, not our own.

Thanks again for the comment – fascinating reading!

Jo

LOL Anamika – I agree, they are wonderful animals, and I don't like the branding either!

Jo’hates’ the term cougar … But she owns a blog which is called ‘Beyond Cougar’ …