Editor’s note: Tricia’s approaching 40 and she’s on a roll. Literally. No really, literally. She’s recently decided to follow her life long passion for writing and literature wherever it leads her. This week it’s taking her to a place of letting go of anger and a failed marriage and replacing it with forgiveness and love. All this as she approaches the age of reason…

As I count down the six weeks to my fortieth birthday, it occurs to me how my thinking has changed this year. I’ve let go of many ideas that were holding me back, keeping me cocooned in immaturity, and am approaching the rise to many others.

I’ve let go of anger toward my parents for not protecting me enough, for not being there for me when I needed guidance; instead, I now see those days when I battled it out on the streets, in the schools, and in my relationships in the Bronx as fertile ground for the strength I needed to overcome emotional, mental, and physical difficulties. I appreciate now the tools my mother gave me to survive when she was unable to teach me herself: books, and my love of the written word.

I am finally coming to that long dreamed of place in my life in which my passion for literature and writing are coming to the fore of my existence, earning me peace and contentment. To my father, I am grateful for the lesson that men are, as my mother has said, “a luxury, not a necessity,” and that I’d always had enough love. Early and consistent abuse from a relative taught me that I now have the ability to protect myself and others. It taught me, too, to look closely at my family’s dynamics, wherein I have gained revelations that feed my being.

In the past month of my journey to forty, I have let go, finally, of my failed marriage. I no longer lay blame at my ex-husband and his wife’s feet. Like so many other women in that realm, I have, over the years, gone through every phase of the healing process, only to find myself angry and bitter, tearing my soul out of its skin in the end. Now I know that really, there is nothing left to be angry about; I needed a life without that man in it, but the years I spent with him taught me some very valuable lessons about what is important to me in this life. It’s been so hard to get there, but I learned that I am an entity of and unto myself, that autonomy is the best of all worlds for me, and the freedom to be who I am is worth its weight in what I didn’t or couldn’t earn inside that marriage. I am grateful that his wife took him out of my way, lightening my emotional space so that I could exist there as I am—good AND bad.

Perhaps because I’d always idealized the age of forty, I am discovering what it truly means to grow into my elder consciousness as well as my aging spirit. No, I don’t look like I did twenty years ago, but that’s cool—beauty is different at this age. Beauty is how I feel, what I think, and how I put my thoughts into words that sustain me. My laughter is a song to me now, rather than a long, loud façade over my pain.

Forty is everything I imagined it to be, and many things I did not. Most of all, forty is the me I always wanted to be, with room to grow. Hello, forty. I’ve been waiting for you like a long lost love. We are me, and I am almost exactly who I want to be.

Is/was 40 your age of reason? Share your reflections on 40 in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

Tricia Amiel on Tricia: After ten years of teaching English, I’ve finally begun to live my dream of being a working writer.  Lucky me.  I have three children 19, 19, and 9…a little poetic.  Life is good. I’m also a freelance writer, editor, and proofreader available for work.  For additional information or to contact Tricia, email us at info@womenatforty.com.

On dating:

OK, so is there a thin line between just friends and dating line at 40? Did it move from when we were in our 20s or 30s? There is this older guy who I enjoy spending time with – dinner, movies, chatting on the phone, etc. He insists that we’re not dating, but he won’t let 24 hours go by without “checking” in. Before you even ask, yes he’s the only guy that I’m spending time with (other guy friends don’t get 10% face time – mostly chat/email or cell buddies) and he says that he could never handle more than one female friend at a time. So back to what started this – just what crosses the line between just friends and dating?

On what’s sexy:

Sexy is knowing what to wear that compliments your best features – the tailoring of the suit/swagger of the sport attire, the style of the shoe, the line of the haircut, the moisturizer to use on the skin and the scent to top it off. All this speaks to knowing yourself and what you have to offer…. without spending more time in the mirror than me!

On motherhood – Does the bell toll for me:

I am nearing forty..within a few years. I’m one week away from divorcing my husband.. and we never had kids. For the 8 years we were married I wanted kids only about 10% of the time. I think it was the person I was married to. Something was just not right. After I separated from my husband I met a wonderful older man who was already a father to two grown boys and wow, he not only set off my biological clock, it went off like a TIME BOMB. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last and I am alone again. The decision to have children or not has not been an easy one for me. In my very early twenties before I was married I became pregnant out of wedlock and had an abortion. I think about that a lot now, to be truthful. There is a lot of sadness that comes to me at times when I see a pregnant woman – I often wonder what it is like. Then I hear the stories of the midnight feedings, diaper changes gone wrong, exploding poo, and spitup and I think, hmm. I am not sure I can do that. I believe that the path of my life is slowly being revealed to me page by page. Hopefully one day I will be able to face the uncertainty and make a decision. Until then I am enjoying being able to do what I want, when I want. My hope is that a wonderful man will enter my life, we will fall in love, and perhaps, have a family.

Share your thoughts on motherhood, what is and isn’t sexy, and dating in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

In a 1967 poll, two-thirds of women said that they’d consider marrying a man they didn’t love if the men had good earnings potential. Today, 87% of women say that it’s more important to have a man who communicates well, can be intimate and will share the housework.

And maybe there’s something to that – the notion that communication and partnership are greater determinants of the success and happiness in a marriage than earnings potential. Contrary to the popular notion that half of all marriages end in divorce and that divorce is on the rise, the divorce rate has actually been declining for the last 30 years, and is at its lowest level since 1970. The rate of divorce among Baby Boomers is lower than that of their parents and their children’s divorce rate is even lower.

Despite the growing numbers of marriages in which women earn more than men, the issue can still cause significant strain in a marriage. Some men still report feeling “guilty” and less like equal partners when they are not the breadwinners. While others say they feel as though they have less rights in the relationship than their wives do.

Experts caution against getting too excited about women’s greater economic power in marriage though, citing the fact that women still make 77 cents to a man’s dollar, and that cutting back during periods of pregnancy and childcare cause a lag in women’s pay over time.

Critics have long argued that the shift away from traditional marriage has been largely responsible for the rise in divorce rates. What’s your take on traditional marriage vs. the “new” marriage 2010 style? Share your thoughts in the comment section, or on our Facebook fan page.

Source: NPR

Finally got to see It’s Complicated and I loved it! The movie stars Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin as divorced parents of three adult kids who “reconnect” during an out of town trip. To complicate matters, Baldwin is currently married to his former mistress and Streep is being courted by her architect, played by Steve Martin.

I loved It’s Complicated because at 60 Streep is beautiful, because of her droopy eyelids not in spite of them (one of the funniest scenes in the movie.) I loved it because even in their late 50’s, adults do stupid things, are tempted to repeat the mistakes of the past and are still vulnerable when it comes to matters of the heart. I loved it because there’s a little part of me that (I’m ashamed to admit) was happy that the new, much younger wife go a taste of her own medicine.

Women all over the country looked forward to the movie’s release because it was the first time in a long time we’ve seen men in their 50’s dating and being attracted to women their own age on the big screen.  But the movie’s about much more than that. It’s about relationships ending and us wondering whether they should have. And it’s about dealing with the fallout of divorce and the reality that adult children of divorce are affected by it, even years later.

It’s also about how we sometimes re-imagine past relationships, romanticizing them and their consequences and in doing so, miss out on something fabulous that’s waiting for us in the present. It can be easy, especially when you’re single or unhappy in your current relationship, to wonder about the “one that got away” and reminisce about the good times, completely forgetting whatever valid reasons you had to end the relationship in the first place. The opposite can also be true – settling for, and into, a relationship that makes you completely miserable for fear that this is as good as it gets.

Whether you’re in something and trying to get out or watching from the sidelines and trying to get in, you’ll take your mindset with you wherever you go. Whatever your current station in life, if you’re waiting on something or someone to make you happy – whether that’s waiting to be married or waiting to be single – you might find yourself waiting a lifetime. Remember the old saying “wherever you go, that’s where you are?” It’s trite but true. Changing your status in life, doesn’t change who you are at your core, only you can do that.   The fact is, it all can be very complicated – relationships, love, happiness -  if it were easy, finding it wouldn’t be our life’s work. But at the end of the day as complicated as it all is, it is worth it.

Anyone else see the movie? How did you feel about it? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

My parents divorced when I was seven years old. I remember the day that my mother, brothers and I moved; it was a cold and wet winter day. I cried as I said goodbye to my swing set and my climbing tree and wondered about the new school I’d attend and whether or not there would be children on my new block. I knew the word “divorce” and I knew from adults’ reactions that it was supposed to be a negative thing, so I decided at that moment that I would never get divorced. I knew that I would one day be married, but divorce was just not option.

My grandparents, parents and just about all of my aunts, uncles and older cousins smoked. I swore I’d never do that either—and happily, I’ve kept that promise. But the divorce thing…Well, like other things, divorce happens. I used to believe that if I loved someone enough to marry him, then I could never possibly hate him enough to divorce him. The love-hate extremes in that theory expose the immaturity and simplicity of it. Hindsight is truly 20/20 vision and knowing what I know now based on my experiences, hatred is often not even part of the equation.

My parents didn’t hate one another. I know this because they were always friendly and cooperative with each other once they were separated. They seemed like friends who met every other weekend and during family functions and holidays. We sometimes enjoyed family outings together and in later years, my parents enjoyed an occasional date. Even to this day, holiday dinners are attended and enjoyed by both of them simultaneously and without drama or weird rules about Mother being in the house for an hour, then Dad and then another rotation.

Neither fortunately nor unfortunately, my experience with divorce was quite a bit different. Thankfully, there were no children involved. However, there were threats, harassment and less-than-civil behavior that made that period of my life almost unbearable. Looking back, there still wasn’t hatred (at least not on my part), but there was a distinct lack of love between us. Despite the absence of love, there was still an overwhelming sense of failure and shame for me. I had expected better of myself and my life.

At some point in the middle of depositions and hearings, I realized that I hadn’t failed myself or my soon-to-be ex-husband. I realized that I hadn’t even been in the marriage. The part of Rachel in the marriage had been played by a hollow version of me who was afraid to speak her mind, show her talents or simply be herself—my desolate, depressed and disillusioned doppelganger. That person didn’t know joy, she didn’t know confidence, nor did she know peace. She had gotten married at a time in her life when she didn’t really know herself, let alone what she wanted, needed and deserved in a husband. The marriage was destined to fail.

I now realize that my failed marriage was an important part of my development was a person, a woman and a mate for a future man. At almost forty years old, I know not only what I want, need and deserve in a mate, but what I need to offer a mate. I also know what I don’t want or need and what I am not capable of giving. There are moments when it is tough to face my own reality—my strong points and my shortcomings. However, there is a certain triumph, a feeling of victory in accepting myself and having the courage and tenacity to be that person—warts and all. As the saying goes, “You can’t love another without loving yourself.” I found out the hard way that it helps to know yourself too. Most importantly, I’m confident that I will know and love myself even more at forty.

Rachel Dachel is a freelance writer and editor, and creator and author of the blog Rachel-y Motivated Incidents.

If you’re not familiar with the challenge, it’s where we ask our readers to answer five questions. The challenge is two-fold. The first is getting 100 women to respond. The second, and even more challenging, is getting them to answer each question using three words or less (it’s not as easy as it sounds!) The goal is to see how much alike, and different, forty year old women around the world really are.

As you can imagine, the responses thus far have been really interesting. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that many of us list “finishing school” as the answer to the “Three 6 Mafia” question.  Whether it’s medical school or a bachelor’s degree, at forty, many women have their sites set on going back to school. For many of us, weight – or as Rachel put it, “my ass”  – is the monkey on our back we can’t shake (see “The life I’d Planned”). Relationships have simultaneously been our biggest regret and the thing we’re most proud of.  Whether it was the Greek, that first husband, or the three divorces, even at forty, wading through the relationship waters, for some of us at least, hasn’t gotten any easier. Other women listed their marriages and children as the thing they’re most proud of.

If you haven’t yet participated in our 5 question challenge, click here to include your answers (anonymously if you’d like) on our site. You can also add comments on our Facebook Fan page or follow us on Twitter. If you’ve got something to say and three words just won’t cut it, email us at contribute@womenatforty.com. We’d love to post your Women at Forty story on the site. Finally, if you’re reading Women at Forty from somewhere other than the U.S., here’s a challenge within a challenge for you – be the first Woman at Forty from your country to share your story with the rest of the world. We’d love to hear from you!

Here’s the latest sampling of responses to our “100 women, 5 questions, 3 words or less challenge”…

Tamika

1. Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? buy a vacation home in another country
2. Biggest regret? not going to graduate school
3. The thing(s) you’re most proud of? my children and not giving up on my dreams
4. The monkey on your back you can’t shake? never feeling good enough
5. Finish this sentence (ok, so technically it’s not a question) – If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can… win one too!

“HereandNow”

1. Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? Moving out
2. Biggest regret? Feeling apologetic
3. The thing(s) you’re most proud of? Remaining calm
4. The monkey on your back you can’t shake? White cheddar popcorn
5. If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can… still go to med school

Teresa

1. Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? Got a divorce
2. Biggest regret? 2 marriages!
3. The thing(s) you’re most proud of? New younger boyfriend
4. The monkey on your back you can’t shake? Those 2 divorces!
5. Finish this sentence (ok, so technically it’s not a question) – If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can… be totally happy.

Dorothy

1.Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? Leave everything behind and move to Granton, WI.
2.Biggest regret? Not finishing nursing school.
3.The thing(s) you’re most proud of? My Familia all of them.
4.The monkey on your back you can’t shake?…Smoking
5.Finish this sentence (ok, so technically it’s not a question) – If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can…Finish school

Reese

1. Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? month in europe
2. Biggest regret? not enough sex
3. The thing(s) you’re most proud of? happily single
4. The monkey on your back you can’t shake? a wicked ex
5. If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can too!