Editor’s Note:

Technical difficulties (a malfunctioning laptop adapter) forced me off the computer for much of last week. So instead of spending mindless hours on the internet, I spent mindless hours watching movies. Sex and the City was one of them. I’d like to make a confession. I wasn’t one of the thousands of women who loved Sex and the City while it was on TV. I thought it was, at times, smart, interesting and funny and I thought the portrayal of women, friendships and relationships was (again, at times) spot on, but it wasn’t must see TV for me. So when the movie came out, I didn’t rush out to see it that first weekend. Or the second. In fact, I just saw it for the first time earlier this year on DVD. And once again, the portrayals were great and the relationships realistic.

That is until Mr. Big and Carrie got married.

I can hear some of you booing me already. And I’m going to make you hate me even more by admitting that I was rooting for Carrie’s and Mr. Big’s relationship to end. Not by him leaving her at the altar, but by her deciding that she’d had enough of waiting for him to come around.

One thing forty years, several boyfriends and watching friends with their boyfriends has taught me is that whoever that man is three months into the relationship is who he’s likely to be three years in. This is a generalization of course, but many male friends have confirmed this for me. Men know what they want and who they want to be with pretty early on in a relationship.  So, if he was non-committal when you met him, he’ll be non-committal 10 years later.  If he’s ghost on the weekend a month into the relationship, don’t be all “OMG!!” when you can’t find him on a Saturday night five years in.  And finally, if he was with someone else when he met you, he’ll be with someone else while he’s with you.

Sex and the City was just a movie, but the reality is, the reason the show and movie resonated with so many women is that we imagined ourselves as one of those women, living that life, being involved in those relationships – buying those shoes. So, when Mr. Big finally, finally, finally realizes he wants to be with Carrie we’re elated because if Mr. Big can finally come around, so can the guy we’ve been with for 10 years.

But in real life, it often doesn’t work out that way. And in real life, drama doesn’t make a relationship any stronger or more valuable – it just makes it more…dramatic.

Someone once told me, “a fool at forty is a fool for life.” Ironically he was a fool himself, but I take my wisdom where I can get it. For my own sake, I hope it isn’t true.  I hope that at forty and beyond I’ll still be able to learn from the foolish things I’ve done for love, and change course when necessary.

I suppose the Carrie Bradshaw-Big ending, as unlikely as it seems to me, does happen. I’m sure there are many instances where after years of not being sure about who he wants and how much he wants her, a man finally realizes that he just can’t live without her. I know it happens. But in my case, I hope it happens faster and with a whole lot less drama. Is that too much to ask?

Are we still waiting for the Mr. Big in our lives to come around? Is he worth waiting for? Are we? Share your thoughts in the comment section on Twitter or on our Facebook page.

Image source: Access Hollywood

Editor’s Note:  I get book pitches and media inquiries on a daily basis. I usually just skim through them, not necessarily finding them relevant for this audience, but this headline right here, got me…

8 Reasons NOT to Contact His Mistress.

I’ve never been married but know the pain that being cheated on can cause. And while I have had my doubts about a few of the men in my past, I’ve never been the tire slashing, car keying, email/cell phone checking type. Ever.

But some women are. Even women in their 40s and beyond.

And then there are women who, some may argue justifiably, want closure and who feel the best way to get that is by reaching out to “the other woman.”

This guest post from Rick Reynolds, founder of AffairRecovery.com, is speaking directly to them.Read it, mull it over, then sound off. Do you agree, disagree? Have you ever confronted “The Other Woman?” Share your thoughts (anonymously if you prefer) in the comment section, on the Facebook page, or email your story to contribute (@) womenatforty (dot) com.

8 Reasons NOT to Contact His Mistress – Part 1

By Rick Reynolds, LCSW
President and Founder of AffairRecovery.com   

When cheated on, the devastation of betrayal can make you react in ways uncharacteristic of yourself. Obsessive behaviors take over and you can end up behaving in a way you never believed possible. This isn’t only for women either; this applies to men who have been cheated on as well. If you do happen to find out who the mistress or other person is, the open wound can cause you to act out via confrontation. So what’s the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the other person? Typically it’s to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain. We think somehow that course of action provides more benefits than the alternative. Rarely have I seen much benefit, and I’ve certainly witnessed a great deal of harm. Here are 8 reasons NOT to confront them.

1. How much information do you really want? If you think you might be able to get more information from the affair partner, you’re right, but it might not be what you want. If you have been with your partner a long time, then you’ve probably already realized that you and your mate have different subjective realities. You can have vastly different recollections of any event. For that reason alone you can certainly gain a different perspective, or details about a specific event. But you’re not gaining anything worth-while, it’s hard enough to process the information from the perspective of your mate, why add to that?
2. Affair partners can lie. It is interesting how often a hurting mate believes the affair partner will tell them the truth and sorrowfully see the error of their ways after they realize the pain they have caused. It is not uncommon for the affair partner to tell lies and manipulate the situation to get the upper hand.
3. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. One of the most difficult pieces of an affair to discern is motive. Frequently, there is a compulsion to discover why this has happened. Don’t be mistaken and think the answer lies with the affair partner. In reality, the affair partner has created an illusion of what your mate’s reason for cheating is. So please don’t think the causes and motives thought by the affair partner match those of your mate.
4. Vengeance doesn’t work.When you’re really hurting, it’s really tempting to think about making the other party experience the same pain that you’re going through. The only problem is this course of action only results in self-inflicted injuries. Don’t compromise your personal integrity by acting in ways you normally would never approve of. Injuring another will never bring the peace you seek and it will only lengthen the amount of time it’s going to take to recover.

Editor’s Note: She’s wonderfully, happily, blissfully  (did I mention that she’s happy?) married now, but at one time guest blogger and fellow WAF Rachel, tried her hand at dating in the digital age. In this repost from 2009, Rachel shares her experiences, ever present humor and a couple of very important tips about navigating the dating scene in the digital age…

Technology is an amazing thing. It is common these days to log on and pay bills, complete research and even shop online. Shopping is especially popular and many websites allow you to custom order goods to your own exact specifications, contributing to our society’s demand for instant gratification. The internet is becoming an increasingly popular method for people to meet socially as well. From MySpace to Facebook and Match.com to Yahoo Personals, people are logging on and surfing in record numbers to find like-minded people with whom to connect and hopefully forge some sort of relationship.

It was with those same hopes that I joined eHarmony and answered a litany of questions surrounding myriad obscure scenarios in the quest to “meet my match.” After all, computers can search through thousands of flights and hotels in mere seconds when I am searching for travel options. While I haven’t actually studied this, I do believe that it is safe to say that despite being a single woman in the New York metropolitan area, I must be less complicated and complex than airline flight patterns, so how hard could it be for software to find my perfect match, n’est ce pas? So I took the plunge and began to excitedly await my “matches” each evening. I marveled at the mere thought of the cutting edge technology that would deliver to my mailbox dozens of suitable suitors who would be compatible with me on twenty-eight different levels! I quickly made a few key observations:

• People who do not post photos usually fail to do so for a reason. Sure, we would all like to say that we would prefer to remain anonymous “for professional reasons.” In my experience, gentlemen (term used very loosely) who do not share their photos usually refuse to do so because they are either extremely insecure about their looks, married or have outstanding warrants—sometimes it is a mélange rather than just one.
• Approach any posted photos as you would a “Where’s Waldo” puzzle, pay attention to detail. If you notice a “New Edition” poster in the background or lime green shag carpet on the floor (despite the person’s attempt to obscure the background), you can safely assume that it is an older photo and is not representative of your potential mate’s current appearance.

Another key observation is regarding the introductory information provided. This information is provided directly by your “match” and can be very telling. If the introductory information contains graphic verbiage regarding sex, understand that sex is a main objective and is of some importance to that person. This one is particularly amusing to me because I took the position that eHarmony would appeal more to people who were concerned most with emotional and intellectual compatibility. I’m not sure, but I believe that Adult Friend Finder would likely be less expensive than eHarmony, so I’m not terribly clear on the overtly sexual folks on the latter.

One more tidbit of a tip for the lovelorn, it seems that many people begin the eHarmony profile process but do not follow through and finish it. Commercials mentioning a “free online profile” came to mind when I would click on a person’s information to find such gems as “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” or “xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx” as hobbies, interests and occupations. Methinks that eHarmony is well aware of this though; one of their choices for why you decided to close a match is “This match never responded to my request to communicate.” eHarmony makes no effort to tell you when last this person was active on his profile or that it is in fact still active.

The entire process can also become a bit daunting as it can sometimes seem like a part-time job. You have to make the time to peruse your matches and delete the definite dead weight regularly or you will find yourself with hundreds of matches and after clicking on the first several less-than-stellar candidates wanting to just delete the entire lot of them. Sadly, there is no easy way to do this (Lord knows I have tried) so you have to click on each match individually and choose a reason for closing the match. I also wish that they would update the choices to reflect reasons that would better capture my feelings such as “A neck is not optional” or “Because I am simply not that desperate.”

In the end, after hours and hours of sifting through profiles in my online manhunt, I gave up. More than a year of membership had yielded over 2700 potential matches and of those 2700, I actually spoke with seven people via telephone and met four men in person. It turned out that I had a few common acquaintances with one of them, so we have remained in touch from time to time, but other than that, I would have to say that I was less than pleased with the entire experience.

Ironically, I did meet a wonderful man, but not online. An older but more accurate technology is to be credited with that. An acquaintance who happens to be a pastor had told me on more than one occasion that she had a nice gentleman she wanted me to meet. After declining the offer more than once, I finally decided that I had nothing to lose and if nothing else I might make a new friend or gain new material for a blog entry. Instead, I met him for lunch (which lasted almost three hours) and then promptly said to one of my girlfriends, “I just met my husband.” Thankfully, he felt the same way and we are both ecstatically happy. It would seem that all of the technology in the world is no match for a caring person who takes the time and initiative to introduce two people she considers to be compatible and equally yoked. It also helps when that person is a pastor and has put in a good word for you with the man upstairs.

Rachel Dachel is a freelance writer and editor, and the creator and author of the blog Rachel-y Motivated Incidents.

And there’s more where that came from.  Statements like “I turned 40 this year. It was a major bummer because…I’m still alone for another birthday” and “I am a 48 yr old female, to this day never been on a real date,” remind me that for some women, 40 is not the joyous, liberating experience it is for others.

I never quite know how to respond to these comments. I’m certainly no psychologist or relationship expert and I don’t claim to be. My first instinct is to send a virtual hug to somehow let these women know they are not alone.  I want to tell them to talk to somebody – a trusted friend, a family member and certainly a professional who can help them discover the ultimate source of their feelings.

But I don’t have to be a relationship expert to relate.  As someone who has spent birthdays alone, who has yet to find “Mr. Right” and often questions his very existence, I understand the sadness and hopelessness behind their words.  That said, and keeping in mind I’m no card carrying member of “The Power of Intention” group, I truly believe this with all my heart — if you believe you’re destined never to find love in your life then you are absolutely right.  Am I saying that opening your eyes and mind to the mere possibility of love in your life means that a man – a great man – will come into your life by next Tuesday? Nope. But keeping your eyes and mind closed will almost guarantee that he won’t.

I believe in romantic love. I believe in its strength and power. I believe that if and when you find it, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences in your lifetime. And I also believe that we have the capacity to thrive and grow in a love that isn’t only defined by who we are or are not dating/married to. If we are open to it, our lives can be big enough to receive and give love in all the shapes and forms in which we’re blessed to receive it.

So how would you respond to “Alone for life”? Are you a woman at 40 who feels destined to be alone? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

No, that’s not the new me. The new (just new, not improved) Rachel Dachel still looks and sounds the same as she always has. It’s funny; I still have the same laugh, the same walk, the same cadence to my speech. My clothes fit the same, my hair still loops, twirls and swirls in its same crazy curls. Every freckle on my face is exactly where I remember it being yesterday, last week, last month and for eternity.

I’m still left-handed. Well, yeah, I am pretty much ambidextrous, but just as I always have, I still favor my left hand and enjoy the struggle that is at times a manual can opener. I enjoy the same books, movies and music that I always have and I still drive the same car, go to the same office and have all of the same friends and family that I always have. So in essence, nothing has changed. But simultaneously, EVERYTHING has changed. I don’t know this new woman in my mirror.

While she may look, sound and behave exactly like me, she isn’t me. I know it doesn’t make sense to you because it makes absolutely no sense to me. I never in a million years would’ve thought that I’d wake up to find this stranger inhabiting my body and living my life right before my eyes. I never would’ve thought that it would be so foreign and traumatic. But it is.

You see, I got married at forty years old. I thought that marriage at forty meant that we were mature and more capable of making decisions from a logical and rational point of view. I thought it meant that we were blessed and fortunate to have found one another at a later point in life and that we would be more appreciative than our younger selves and counterparts of the joy and miracle of being in love and getting married.

I thought that after walking down the aisle and saying our vows I would breathe a sigh of relief and that the stress of caterers, florists, musicians and officiants would simply melt away and leave in their place those warm, glowing feelings of love and satisfaction. The knowledge that the government and the world now recognize us as a union, as a united front who will navigate and brave the world together hereafter was supposed to make me feel safe and more connected to my partner. And it does.

But nonetheless, I’m having an identity crisis. You see, before we got married, I agreed to take my husband’s last name. To some it may not seem like a big deal, but for me it was a major compromise; it was the entire reason that we didn’t get married sooner. It took me a long time to consent to take his last name. I attribute that in part to my independence, but largely to the fact that I, as the only female born in the family for three generations, had been quite celebrated when born into the name. And for forty years I have proudly, dutifully and lovingly carried the name that other women could only obtain through marriage. I was special; I was unique, an original.

In recent years, two little girls joined me in that exclusive club. My nieces and I bonded over the special sisterhood we shared that could be summed up in six simple letters. They delighted in the knowledge that I would one day pass down to them my monogrammed handkerchiefs and jewelry. They vowed that they would tell their daughters how I had climbed trees, jumped off of docks, bicycles and big wheels and even wrestled my brother and all of my cousins as the sole dash of sugar and spice in a sea of snakes, snails and puppy dog tails. I showed them every scar I EARNED in keeping up with the boys, and told the harrowing tales that accompanied each one. They laughed at my childhood photos that depicted me in ribbons and curls, soft satin sashes on flowing dresses—with Mercurochrome-soaked bandages on both knees. The perfect portraits of my struggle to fit in while being the only girl.

And somehow, I felt at peace with the fact that upon my death, they would take up the cause and carry on. But now, it feels as though that death is impending. I’ve checked for ravens and crows…thankfully none yet! But it still feels as though a part of me has died. Who knew? Who knew it would have this sort of effect on me? Perhaps if I were a giddy girl in her 20s it would be different? Maybe I’d be excitedly scribbling “Mrs.” followed by my first name and his last name—oh wait, that’s my last name now, huh?

Well there is no time for maybes and what ifs. I knew the job was dangerous when I took it so there is no point in being squeamish now. I’m saying goodbye to the old me and making my best effort to embrace the new me in her stead. It isn’t easy, but I know it is worth it. I’ll wish her well as I send her on her way, in what has turned out to be the bittersweet consequence of being married at forty.

I’ve found that the knee jerk reaction of most people, particular those in relationships, is to proclaim, “Of course there is, you just have to…” What follows is usually a list of suggestions that involve some magical mixture of self-improvement, compromise, and Zen awareness. Sometimes those people are right. But sometimes even the most enlightened, well meaning, nicest people in the world will be single, whether they want to be or not.

The question got some really great comments over on our Facebook page and I wanted to share some of them with you. To read the comments in their entirety, visit Women at Forty on Facebook.  (Photo credit: Flickr exfordy)

I’m 40 – soon to be 41 – & I have been in love. However, I’m not married, & I don’t know if I ever will be. I’ve had a few relationships, but it’s been a while. Part of me is still hoping, but I’m no longer desperately longing for a man. A …few years ago I arrived at the place where I’m truly content to be on my own, & I’m no longer bothered by wanting to be with a man. Yes, there are times when it’d be great to come home to a loving husband & to share my life with him, but, overall, I’m quite happy on my own, & I’ve come to realize that I love myself just as I am & that I’m happy as a single woman.  MK

I guess what I am trying to say is that there is likely someone out there for everyone, but we have to be realistic about it and focus on the things that truly matter more than the things we are conditioned to believe or are told matter. I know several women who are single because the *NEED* a man who is 6’3″, makes over $200k, has never been married, has no children, works for a Fortune 500 company, has perfect credit, speaks fluent Italian and Swahili, was a gourmet chef in a previous life and also a certified masseur… REALLY? RD

I am personally in a long term relationship but I’ve run the whole gamut of feeling on relationships over the years … Friends often think their life is over without a man and that’s so sad to me… DB

I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re a woman who is single who sometimes/often feels like she’d rather not be then you don’t have to follow the script that says you somehow need to compromise more or work harder on yourself, or any other variety of self-help/relationship mantra that’s being repeated. Yes, we should all constantly be in a space of self-development and growth, but sometimes the truth is, it’s not you, it’s them, and we shouldn’t be afraid to say that.

That last bit was all me. Here’s my take on being single. There are many beautiful, content, happy women who are single just because that’s just how it worked out. Yeah there are some with deep seated issues who are materialistic and unkind and only like bad boys. And there are many women in relationships with the very same traits. To suggest that the only “answer” to being single is to work on yourself suggests that 1) Being single is a “problem” that requires a solution, 2) Being in a relationship is always better than being single 3) The goal of working on yourself is to find “the one” and 4) That there’s something fundamentally wrong with you or you’d surely be coupled up by now. These “solutions to singleness” aren’t only offered up by friends, well meaning and otherwise, but it’s a script single women (and some men) repeat to themselves over and over again.

When it comes to being single there should be no guilt about it, no shame associated with it, no rush to find blame or point fingers as to why. Singleness can be a state of being just as any other state of being – as rewarding and fulfilling as you make it.

Thoughts? Share in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

I am a 48 yr old female, actually have 2 kids, but still, to this day never been on a real date. I seem to attract the “bad boys” and never really care in the end. I am a semi attractive woman, great sense of humor, and good Mom, but deeply want the closeness of someone who cares. It now bothers me that I have not been out on a real date, never a Valentine for me, never a gift just for nothing. Is there really someone out there for everyone? I wonder!

I think the question posed by the reader is a legitimate one. Is there really someone out there for everyone? I know we’ve all been raised on the romantic notion that yes, there really is one perfect man for every woman, but what if that’s not the case?

In a “Name it and claim it” culture which embraces the power of intention, are we setting ourselves up for disappointment by insisting that if we just “work on ourselves” true love will find us? And, am I upsetting the Zen apple cart by even suggesting that everyone who wants one won’t necessarily find a “Mr. Right?”

So, is there someone out there for everyone? And if the answer is no, does that have to be seen as a negative thing? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

As someone who’s known plenty of black men who look and act nothing like the men portrayed in this piece, I’ve been able to take it for what it is, an oversimplified swipe at a targeted group of men who aren’t handling their business, at the benefit of another group of men who aren’t always (as the article would suggest) handling theirs either. Who’s left out in the missive are the drones of women who continue to allow the men in their lives to mistreat them, perpetuating a kind of “if she won’t, I’ll find another who will” mentality, leaving those of us who refuse to put up with bulls**t single for the long-haul.

Side note to the article’s writer: I’ve had the pleasure of working with and befriending women of all nationalities, ethnic groups, and races, believe me, I’ve heard the same sweeping generalizations made about men of all races and nationalities.So let’s all agree that the article is full of broad stereotypes and that women are ultimately responsible for the men they choose in their lives, and get down to the subject that really interests me – why some women seem to be so wary of dating outside of their race/ethnic group. While interracial marriage represents only about 7% of the marriages in the U.S., men don’t seem to have quite as many issues when it comes to “crossing the divide.” In fact, 73% of all African American/White interracial marriages are between black men and white women and in Asian/White marriages, it’s three times more likely that the husband is white.

Familiarity, cultural similarities and physical attraction are at the root of why many women decide not to date or marry outside of their race, but as we enter our 40s and 50s desiring to be in fulfilling relationships, should race and ethnicity continue to play such an important role? Why do men seem to find it easier to date outside of their race? And, would you ever consider dating someone of another race?

Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page. If you’d like to remain anonymous, email your views to contribute@womenatforty.com.

Interracial dating stats from: Love to Know

The number one relationship mistake women make

One of the most common relationship mistakes Rachel sees women making is getting into relationships or marrying for the wrong reason. Rachel cautions women to enter a relationship and marry for the right reason, “not out of need, not out of desperation, not out of dependence.”  (Image: The Relationship Suite’s Ask the Relationship Expert)

The number one relationship advice she shares with women

Rachel says, “make sure you know yourself. Know what your vision is, your desires, your wants and needs. And really be independent on so many levels before you choose your partner. Not doing this builds resentment. When you’re in that place – the place where you know who you are – you’re more likely to attract someone who is your fit. Some women,” she continues, “are settling, but women must know it’s important to be hopeful and continue to work on themselves so that they can attract their own divine, right relationship.”

The infamous list

I’ve written about “The List” before. You know the list – it’s the one with all the qualities you seek in a mate. I asked Rachel what she thinks about these lists. She believes they can be a helpful tool for identifying what really matters. She says, “It’s important to have negotiables and non-negotiables, but it’s also important to be open.”

Ask The Relationship Expert

Women at Forty is joining forces with Rachel to help get real answers to our most intimate relationship questions. On her site, The Relationship Suite, Rachel has set up a free, confidential and secure environment to find those answers. To submit your relationship question, visit Ask the Relationship Expert and Rachel will reply to you directly.

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Rachel Moheban LCSW, is the creator of The Relationship Suite and The Ultimate Relationship Resolution Program.  For additional information about Rachel and to receive your free Relationship Suite Starter Kit, including a free five minute relationship assessment, visit her website, www.therelationshipsuite.com.

On Turning 40

“For me, 40 was revolutionary.” Rachel explains. “It’s a time when you really come into yourself in an incredible way. In his book, Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill says that between the ages of 40 and 60 we are our most creative, and I’ve found that to be true. At 40 I started developing my program and it’s the time when I learned the most emotionally and professionally.” Rachel also believes that we become more in tune with our spiritual selves in our 40s. She says, “if you can really tune into that, it’s miraculous.”

On The Ultimate Relationship Resolution Program

In practice for 15 years, Rachel notes that the average couple waits 7 years before deciding to go to therapy. By then she says, “the resentment has really grown and it becomes harder and harder for couples to communicate.” She saw that couples needed an additional resource to address the issues that most impacted them. Those issues are money, physical intimacy and anger. The program, which focuses on prevention and intervention, was created “for couples who need support in understanding and learning how to better get along with their partners.”  It’s also valuable for relationships with children, parents, colleagues and friends.  Rachel says the program, or “relationship toolkit” as she refers to it, is like Cliff Notes, “it’s a condensed version of countless books and seminars all rolled into material ready to give a quick start to more intimacy, well-being, a stronger relationship with your partner, and a happier life together.”

On building “The Relationship Suite”

As I’ve been doing with all our Women at Forty Whirly Girls I asked Rachel what advice she’d give to women running their own business. “Have confidence,” she says, “know yourself really well. Know your center, stay connected to your passion and where it takes you. It will be natural and organic if you’re connected.”

Wednesday: Rachel tells us the relationship mistake many women make, gives her opinion on the infamous “list” and shares her number one piece of relationship advice.

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Rachel Moheban, LCSW is the creator of The Relationship Suite and The Ultimate Relationship Resolution Program.  For additional information about Rachel and to receive a  free Relationship Suite Starter Kit, including a free five minute relationship assessment, visit her website, www.therelationshipsuite.com.