And there’s more where that came from.  Statements like “I turned 40 this year. It was a major bummer because…I’m still alone for another birthday” and “I am a 48 yr old female, to this day never been on a real date,” remind me that for some women, 40 is not the joyous, liberating experience it is for others.

I never quite know how to respond to these comments. I’m certainly no psychologist or relationship expert and I don’t claim to be. My first instinct is to send a virtual hug to somehow let these women know they are not alone.  I want to tell them to talk to somebody – a trusted friend, a family member and certainly a professional who can help them discover the ultimate source of their feelings.

But I don’t have to be a relationship expert to relate.  As someone who has spent birthdays alone, who has yet to find “Mr. Right” and often questions his very existence, I understand the sadness and hopelessness behind their words.  That said, and keeping in mind I’m no card carrying member of “The Power of Intention” group, I truly believe this with all my heart — if you believe you’re destined never to find love in your life then you are absolutely right.  Am I saying that opening your eyes and mind to the mere possibility of love in your life means that a man – a great man – will come into your life by next Tuesday? Nope. But keeping your eyes and mind closed will almost guarantee that he won’t.

I believe in romantic love. I believe in its strength and power. I believe that if and when you find it, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences in your lifetime. And I also believe that we have the capacity to thrive and grow in a love that isn’t only defined by who we are or are not dating/married to. If we are open to it, our lives can be big enough to receive and give love in all the shapes and forms in which we’re blessed to receive it.

So how would you respond to “Alone for life”? Are you a woman at 40 who feels destined to be alone? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

As someone who’s known plenty of black men who look and act nothing like the men portrayed in this piece, I’ve been able to take it for what it is, an oversimplified swipe at a targeted group of men who aren’t handling their business, at the benefit of another group of men who aren’t always (as the article would suggest) handling theirs either. Who’s left out in the missive are the drones of women who continue to allow the men in their lives to mistreat them, perpetuating a kind of “if she won’t, I’ll find another who will” mentality, leaving those of us who refuse to put up with bulls**t single for the long-haul.

Side note to the article’s writer: I’ve had the pleasure of working with and befriending women of all nationalities, ethnic groups, and races, believe me, I’ve heard the same sweeping generalizations made about men of all races and nationalities.So let’s all agree that the article is full of broad stereotypes and that women are ultimately responsible for the men they choose in their lives, and get down to the subject that really interests me – why some women seem to be so wary of dating outside of their race/ethnic group. While interracial marriage represents only about 7% of the marriages in the U.S., men don’t seem to have quite as many issues when it comes to “crossing the divide.” In fact, 73% of all African American/White interracial marriages are between black men and white women and in Asian/White marriages, it’s three times more likely that the husband is white.

Familiarity, cultural similarities and physical attraction are at the root of why many women decide not to date or marry outside of their race, but as we enter our 40s and 50s desiring to be in fulfilling relationships, should race and ethnicity continue to play such an important role? Why do men seem to find it easier to date outside of their race? And, would you ever consider dating someone of another race?

Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page. If you’d like to remain anonymous, email your views to contribute@womenatforty.com.

Interracial dating stats from: Love to Know

Looking back over my numerous lists I can’t help but laugh at some of the qualities I thought were essential when I was younger. One particularly embarrassing desire I held was to have a man who could sing and play football. Not necessarily at the professional level (because that would be ridiculous) but I imagine I must have thought that the combination of singing and football would somehow get me out of a major life jam sometime in the future. I even found an entry about my dream man having long eyelashes – because you know, that’s the telltale sign of a good man.

When I was going through my Maxwell phase I needed a man with big, wild, out-of-this-world hair. And after a waiter sent shivers down my spine at a restaurant in New York, I was determined to find someone who made me feel the same way every single day of my life. I’ve yet to find either. Then there was the 6’2” or taller height requirement, the great dresser requirement and let’s not forget the “corporate type” requirement. That was until I realized that most men who were always in a suit and tie were always working and/or were not necessarily that handy around the house.

Thank God for growing up. As I grew up I also grew out of some of the things I once thought were so important. But what’s been as interesting as what’s dropped off my list is what’s remained. I’ve always wanted someone who shared the same core spiritual beliefs as I do and I’ve also always wanted someone who was kind and giving, gentle and understanding. But I also now understand that a man who listens, really listens, is essential to any strong relationship.

What matters today and what’s always mattered most is character. The body that character is housed in doesn’t have to be a 6’2”, singing football player with unbelievably long eyelashes. In fact, I’d be nervous if it was. What’s important is that we see eye to eye on the things that matter the most in life. Well, that and he’s got to have a neck. I’ve come a long way, and so has my list, but I’m not willing to compromise on the neck thing.

What’s on your list? Share yours in our comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

So what makes the elusive one so elusive – is it a numbers game? There’s no shortage of statistics that tell us the ratio of single women to men – remember the line from the now infamous Newsweek article – a  ‘40-year-old single woman was “more likely to be killed by a terrorist” than to ever marry (Newsweek later apologized for the ridiculous line.) Are we being unrealistic – do we want something, someone who just doesn’t exist? Or have we limited our own chances of meeting someone great because we’re firmly entrenched in our comfort zones and nothing short of a miracle is going to budge us.

20 years after that Newsweek article we live in a society where many single women are perfectly happy – maybe even happier – being confirmed bachelorettes. For many, being unmarried and/or single at 40 doesn’t carry the stigma it once did. And so now, the search for Mr. Right is about finding a soul companion and not about feeling the need to be married because they’re a certain age. For these women, whether the search is like the hunt for red October, or whether it takes a more laid back approach, the desire still exists to find “the one” – which brings us back to those darn lists.

At 20, the list was easy. He was gorgeous, tall, rich – but humble about it, nice – but not a pushover, sweet, kissed babies, loved his mama, had no kids, remembered birthdays, etc…and was gorgeous. And did I mention he was gorgeous? But as we get older, and hopefully wiser, the list changes a bit. We still want someone we’re physically attracted to, but what we find attractive at 40 is probably a little different than at 20 (remember high top fades?) For some of us, gone are the height requirements, the status symbols and the career requirements. We learn that men who are great fathers make some of the best boyfriends. And we now know for sure that who he is, is far more important than what he does, wears or drives. We still want the things on our list, but the list is shorter, has been tested by time, and the qualities that remain are essential.

On our search for  “the one” some of us have ventured out of our comfort zones by dating men we never imagined we would. But many of us, although wanting companionship, stay “safely” within the boundaries we’ve erected for ourselves. We’ve got a long list of the men we won’t date – men who are younger, older, fall outside of our ethnicity or race, political beliefs, denomination… and the list goes on and on.  No one’s suggesting we compromise our core beliefs for anyone, and certainly not for “the one”, but are our own fears and preconceived notions holding us back? Are we making “the one” even more elusive than he has to be? (Image: sunshinecity)

This week we want to hear your thoughts on “the one” and that infamous list. Have you ever made a list, and how do you feel about the whole list thing anyway? Are you still waiting for the one or have you found him? And are you willing to venture outside of your comfort zone to find him? Join the conversation by sharing your thoughts in the comment section, on our Facebook fan page or emailing us at contribute@womenatforty.com.

It’s a safe bet The Back-up Plan will never win an Oscar, but it was chock full of interesting topics just waiting for great women at forty conversations, including:

• Adopting plan-B for life when plan A doesn’t happen – We touched on that in yesterday’s post, A new take on the old back-up plan.
• How our biological clock shapes our views of children and family – Upon hearing that Zoe wants to have children, her best friend asks her incredulously, “do you want to see my vagina? I’ll show you my vagina!” Err…no thanks. And just last week Jillian Michaels set off alarms when she talked about not wanting to deal with the physical changes of motherhood. Many of you sounded off on her comments and we’ll share your thoughts.
• Single moms and the movie’s treatment of them – The single moms in the group seemed to resent Zoe finding a partner, and was it just me, or did they all seem a bit odd? And we’ll join the ongoing, and sometimes heated conversation about raising kids today without fathers.
• A world without penis partners – The movie’s term not ours – yes, well…we’ll tread lightly on that one, but the term was kind of catchy.
• The “elusive one” – aka a penis partner, but so much more…

You don’t have to wait until the posts air to express your views – we want to hear what you’ve got to say, so share your thoughts anytime in the comment section, email them to contribute@womenatforty.com or post them on our Facebook Fan Page.

Saw the movie

autism, ADD http://www.newsweek.com/id/237178/page/2

On dating:

OK, so is there a thin line between just friends and dating line at 40? Did it move from when we were in our 20s or 30s? There is this older guy who I enjoy spending time with – dinner, movies, chatting on the phone, etc. He insists that we’re not dating, but he won’t let 24 hours go by without “checking” in. Before you even ask, yes he’s the only guy that I’m spending time with (other guy friends don’t get 10% face time – mostly chat/email or cell buddies) and he says that he could never handle more than one female friend at a time. So back to what started this – just what crosses the line between just friends and dating?

On what’s sexy:

Sexy is knowing what to wear that compliments your best features – the tailoring of the suit/swagger of the sport attire, the style of the shoe, the line of the haircut, the moisturizer to use on the skin and the scent to top it off. All this speaks to knowing yourself and what you have to offer…. without spending more time in the mirror than me!

On motherhood – Does the bell toll for me:

I am nearing forty..within a few years. I’m one week away from divorcing my husband.. and we never had kids. For the 8 years we were married I wanted kids only about 10% of the time. I think it was the person I was married to. Something was just not right. After I separated from my husband I met a wonderful older man who was already a father to two grown boys and wow, he not only set off my biological clock, it went off like a TIME BOMB. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last and I am alone again. The decision to have children or not has not been an easy one for me. In my very early twenties before I was married I became pregnant out of wedlock and had an abortion. I think about that a lot now, to be truthful. There is a lot of sadness that comes to me at times when I see a pregnant woman – I often wonder what it is like. Then I hear the stories of the midnight feedings, diaper changes gone wrong, exploding poo, and spitup and I think, hmm. I am not sure I can do that. I believe that the path of my life is slowly being revealed to me page by page. Hopefully one day I will be able to face the uncertainty and make a decision. Until then I am enjoying being able to do what I want, when I want. My hope is that a wonderful man will enter my life, we will fall in love, and perhaps, have a family.

Share your thoughts on motherhood, what is and isn’t sexy, and dating in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

We’re assuming here that by being alone, most were talking about being single – as in without husbands, mates or significant others.  And if that’s the case, the question then becomes, if we fear being alone, are we doing everything in our power to make sure that’s not how we end up?

It’s interesting that while many of us fear being alone, finding companionship is one of the areas of our lives where we’re the most passive. In almost every other area of our lives, we intentionally go about getting the things we need and want.

When we’re out of work, we pound the pavement looking for a job or return to school to get a degree. We take out loans and go into debt for our homes, cars and businesses. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for our children, and don’t let us see a pair of shoes we just have to have – we’ll move heaven and earth to get them. But when it comes to love and relationships, we’re often afraid to put anything, much less everything, on the line.  It’s companionship we seek, and being without it is what we fear, but we won’t go out and find it. We won’t try Eharmony or Match.com, we won’t go out on blind dates and we won’t ask him out.

It’s ironic that we’re afraid to take the risks we sometimes have to take to end up in the kind of relationships we long for. It’s no coincidence that fear of rejection was a close third to fear of being alone. In fact, for some, fear of rejection is the number one contributing factor to being alone. And no one is suggesting that you approach every guy you find mildly attractive and sign up for every internet dating service in existence, but if being alone is what you fear, there’s got to be a happy medium. Somewhere between selling yourself out to the lowest bidder and hiding within the walls of your own home, lies a place that will bring you closer to the kind of relationship you desire. Between love and fear is life. And if you want things to start happening, you’ve got to start living yours.

What’s the scariest part of being alone? And if you’re afraid of being alone, what are you doing – or not doing – about it? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

In the article How to ask a guy out, Cosmo’s got a few suggestions on how to do just that. So now that you’ve read the article, gathered your nerve, asked him out, and he said yes, now what?

Five great date night suggestions  for when you’re doing the asking – and even when you’re not. (Image Source: Fernbank Museum  Photograph by Michelle Lapid)

1. Martinis at the Museum – Atlanta’s Fernbank Museum hosts Martinis & IMAX nights every Friday evening from January through November. Events feature cool cocktails, films, live music, great food, and oh yeah, there are the dinosaurs. Visit Museumspot.com to search for museums in your city and discover the great date night events they’ve got going on.

2. The couple that cooks together, stays together – Ok, so that maybe a stretch, but cooking a meal together can be a great date. Epicurious.com has recipes, cooking features, and video how-tos to help make planning and preparing your first meal together a real treat.

3. Relationships can be a rollercoaster ride – So you might as well start yours on one. You’re never too old for an amusement park. Beat the heat and crowds of midsummer and go early in the season when it’s cool and kids are still in school. A first date on a rollercoaster can be an intense, eye opening experience. But if you want to improve your chances for a second date, don’t get on any wild rides with a full stomach. Visit Theme Parks Online for a complete list of national theme parks.

4. A round of golf – Even if you’ve never played a round of golf in your life, a few holes could be a great way to get to know your date better. Besides actually playing golf, walking the greens and talking provides some great one on one time. Plus, if he’s any good, you might even get some help with your stroke. Visit Golf.com’s course finder to find a course in your area. If you’re completely freaked out by the thought of playing a real game of golf, visit Golflink.com’s miniature golf directory.

5. Dinner and a murder – Wait, what? Yes it’s campy. And yes it’s cheesy. But it can also be a lot of fun. Murder Mystery Dinner Theatres are a great first date if you like to mix things up a bit. Besides, nothing eases that first date “nothing to talk about” awkwardness like a good murder. Visit Partypop.com for a list of Murder Mystery Dinner Theatres near you.

Got any great date night suggestions? Share them in our comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

Have you ever asked a guy out? Why or why not? We received the most responses to this question – here’s some of what you had to say…

“Yes, but I’m not comfortable with it. Plus I worry about the future with a man who is interested but doesn’t even have the initiative to ask me out himself.”

“Of course!! I didn’t meet my husband until I was 32. Lord knows I wasn’t going to always wait around for the man to ask. Although, I will say it’s nicer when they did. “

“Never asked a guy out, but I have made the first move.  Does that count?  I never asked a guy out because the opportunity never presented itself or if it did, I totally missed it.”

“Reading The Rules has made me too paranoid to do that, even though I know that’s silly. I would always wonder if the guy REALLY wanted to go out with me in the first place, or if I just made myself was too convenient for him to pass up.”

What makes relationships work at 40, and is it different than what works in our 20’s and 30’s

“In my 20’s and even 30’s I was so concerned with “fixing” him, that I wasn’t paying any attention to geting myself straight. Now, I’ve come into the person I am, and find partners that complement me instead of looking for men and trying to make them into something I want.”

“What made my relationships work when I was thirty still applies now that I am 40.  It is probably different for each person since relationships are based on the people involved.  This may be crass but for me its have sex with him and allow him all the time and space he needs for his hobbies.  It also helps that we share the same moral code.”

“Maturity definitely plays more of a role in making relationships work at 40. Gone for me are the overly dramatic arguments and the insecurities, so knowing what I want makes things easier. What’s been harder is finding what I want…”

Should we be offended by the term “Cougar” or should we embrace it

“Personally I hate the word, and I’m not even dating a younger man at the moment. But it’s just the idea that a single woman in her 40’s is some kind of predator hunting down innocent little cub prey – I find the whole thing a little sexist.”

“Regarding the ‘cougar’ term, I really dislike it. Who wants to be defined by the age of the man she dates? Aren’t we all grown up enough to be beyond that? It’s predatory and insinuates that women are out to merely play around with these guys, when the reality is that more and more of us are actually choosing a younger guy as a life partner. I hate the assumption that just because my husband is younger than I am that I somehow coerced him into being with me, or that I finance his lifestyle, when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.”

Next week we’ll share more of your responses to these and other relationship questions, and we’ll feature our interview with Jo, founder of the website Beyond Cougar, who’s married to a man who happens to be 10 years her junior, but who refuses to be defined by that one fact.

Dictionary.com has several definitions for the word passion including:

• any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
• strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
• strong sexual desire; lust.
• an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

So today’s question – well one of them anyway – is, as we get older, do we trade the kind of passion defined above for something else, and if so, what’s the trade-off?

In our 20’s and even 30’s, relationships can be especially emotionally charged with lots of drama and passion. There’s fighting, making up, the sense of needing or wanting to be with someone so strongly that being apart from that person can at times seem physically painful. But as we get older, do we still allow ourselves to feel that intensely about another person or relationship? As we become more mature, more practical, more grounded, do we throw passion out the window for something else?

Is there a way to keep passion as strong as the day you first met your partner and would more relationships stand the test of time if there was? Simply put, in our 40s, whether we’re meeting someone for the first time or we’re in a long term relationship, is passion as important as it used to be?

Share your thoughts on passion in relationships in our comment section, on our Facebook fan page, or email us at contribute@womenatforty.com.