“Sometimes parents teach us what not to do.”

We were alone, my mother and I; my father was never present, and clearly, I idolized her, placed her high atop the throne I’d built just for her. But unfortunately, I did not bring her down to wonderful but flawed human being as I grew to and through adolescence. For me, she thundered down, crashing and burning. I watched helplessly as my mother turned her life, my definition of her, over to a man who was far from worthy of her. Forty had come, and I was growing up, and in her view, away. Insecurity trapped her into thinking she had reached the end of possibility. She gained too much weight, chain smoked, stopped caring for herself. She had alienated everyone, including me, for him. I listened one night, devastated, as he yelled at her, calling her dumb, calling this goddess “bitch.” The devastating part was the tearful, sobbing apology that served as her reply. This man brought out the very worst in her, and she turned her anguish inward and fell into herself.

At the end of seven years, he walked out on her, leaving her shell lying nearly catatonic on the sofa for weeks on end. The longest she left the sofa during that period was the week she spent in the hospital for an angina attack. Her first day in the hospital, she missed my final dance recital, something we’d celebrated every year with her present of a large bouquet of roses and a trip to City Island, where we visited The Crab Shanty for my favorite seafood.

Sometimes parents teach us what not to do. It’s been twenty six years since he left her, and my mother was never again the woman I thought she was. Only weeks away from my own fortieth birthday, I can’t help but wonder at the “not” lessons I teach my own children. From my mother, I have learned the danger of not owning myself. Of not loving myself, of giving up. I struggle with it daily, but for this woman of forty, my mother’s daughter, autonomy is paramount not only to soul survival, but to living and being.

Tricia Amiel: After ten years of teaching English, I’ve finally begun to live my dream of being a working writer.  Lucky me.  I have three children 19, 19, and 9…a little poetic.  Life is good. I’m also a freelance writer, editor, and proofreader available for work.  For additional information or to contact Tricia, email us at info@womenatforty.com.

Editor’s Note:

40 Things I’m Grateful For by Anjanette

1. my mother, my sister for being my 2^nd mother and her children for loving their aunt anjie
2. my mother’s genes, talents, strength and her unwavering faith in me
3. my family
4. my granny-her soft hands, kindness, patience and her complete love for my sister and I
5. my sister’s guidance and endless support
6. my brother-in-law for his kindness and sense of humor
7. the love of a child
8. the trust of a teenager
9. james’ humor
10. my creativity
11. my friends and their loyalty
12. my life
13. my health
14. freedom-of speech, expression, the rights of women and SO much more…
15. being a woman-ditto on that one grace!!
16. poetry
17. witnessing the birth of my niece
18. LOVE-all of the loves of my life and the lessons that I learned from each and every one of them
19. ART in all forms
20. my career-and every tear shed at the injustices that came with it, that in turn gave me the knowledge to realize it’s not brain surgery.
21. my faith
22. nature-the colors, the textures and all it’s beauty
23. felines-ALL animals really, but I am a cat lover and have lived with one more cats every day of my life
24. the sun
25. the beach-the smell of salt in the air, the waves at my feet and sand in between my toes
26. music
27. compassion
28. passion-and anyone’s passion for all things good, creative and real
29. the kindness of strangers
30. showers-yes running water from a faucet or the sky
31. the sound of rain on a Sunday morning and then you realize you can sleep in…
32. my art teacher-Mr. Manning who believed in me and encouraged me to believe in myself
33. every summer family trip we took around the US that I didn’t appreciate at the time
34. every spring break filled with friends, sun and WAY TOO MUCH FUN!!
35. my childhood growing up in Virginia and Florida
36. The knowledge I receive from spending time with my friends and loved ones
37. The few creative directors I worked under that were kind, fun and inspired me to be a better, faster and stronger designer
38. My MAC
39. Pedicures
40. Tweezerman tweezers-I don’t leave home with ‘em!

Can you think of 40 things you’re grateful for? Share your 40 at 40 with us – email your list to contribute@womenatforty.com.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Liza Figueroa Kravinsky last week. I’ll be posting her interview sometime in July as part of a series I’m doing on women entrepreneurs who are living and thinking outside the box. Liza’s the award winning creator of the documentary Beauty in the Eyes of The Beheld. She’s also an actress and a composer who’s collaborated with artists like Prince. I wanted to interview Liza because of the great things she’s doing with her gifts and because on the Facebook fan page, she said she’d been fired a couple times in her life, and both times it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to her.

Strength, character, tenacity – they’re all built in the battle, not in the winning. The things you fight hardest for are the things you value the most. One of the things Liza said that stuck with me was “It’s not comfortable, but it’s worth it.” Nothing hard earned is ever really comfortable. We get our reward from it, not because it was easy, but precisely because it was hard earned.

The goals I have for myself at 40 are like that. Getting to the place I want to be with my health, spiritual and creative growth will not be comfortable. Frequent contributor Tricia Amiel, says “it cuts, it bleeds.” But if at the end of 40, God willing, I can honestly say, that “I did what I came here to do” then all the growing pains will have been worth while. See you on the other side of 40!

Editor’s Note: This week we’ve spent a little time talking about regrets. And while many of us say we don’t have many and that the mistakes we’ve made make us the women we are today, I’m guessing there are a few of us who’ve said at least once, “If only I’d have listened to what my gut was telling me!” In her article Trust your gut, Esther reminds us of the importance of minding those reg flags – all of them – and listening to that voice inside of each of us when it warns us that we’re about to do something we might regret later… (photo credit: vindoe40’s)

Recently, I had the incredible opportunity to be interviewed for a Canadian women’s magazine for an article on “Women’s Intuition”. I was honored and delighted to share my thoughts on this timely and important topic and I thought I’d share with you gals what I came up with in this September e-zine.

The whole concept of “women’s intuition” may seem somewhat medieval and goofy to some of us; but I believe there’s a good reason that this concept has stuck around for so long without being discarded like so many frivolous ideas of the past. And after working with so many women and hearing countless stories of “gut feelings” or an “inner knowing” usually not listened to or taken seriously, often with disastrous consequences, I think we may be able to gain something by revisiting the topic.

As I am apt to say over and over again:
WOMEN OFTEN DON’T LISTEN TO THEMSELVES AND TO THEIR OWN INTERNAL WISDOM.

This, my dear sisters, is a real shame as we are wise beyond belief! If only we could learn to trust our own thoughts and feelings about things! Can you imagine for a minute what it would be like if all the women in the world completely trusted themselves and their ‘gut feelings’ about things? A world wherein women never second-guessed themselves because they had complete faith that they knew what they were doing? I have a feeling that there would be a lot less of the “B.S. Factor” running the world; that’s for darn sure.

How many times have you been dating someone and as you sit there with them; there are RED FLAGS screaming for your attention like, “He’s not listening to me” or “She isn’t asking me anything about myself”, etc. and you consciously choose to ignore them because you really want “this one to work out, dammit.”

Red flags, by the way, are a sure sign that our intuition is in fine form and is trying to tell us something; if only we would listen to it! Red flags in the relationship department are those internal “watch out” or “I don’t like this” or “that didn’t feel good” messages we receive when we’re getting to know someone new that are warning us that something is amiss and that we’d be smart to take the warning(s).

Goddess knows, I’ve deliberately made myself totally oblivious to many a red flag because I thought I knew what I wanted and I was going to get it, come hell or high water. Guess what? I got the hell AND the high water! I’ve since wizened up and do my best to sincerely listen to what my intuitive voice is telling me before making any big decision. I’m not entirely sure how the two are related, but since I started listening to my intuition, I’ve managed to start an RRSP fund – go figure! I think it may have something to do with so few “impulse buys” when compared to my old self.

My intuition is telling me that I need to end this e-zine and have a cup of tea. What is your intuition telling you?

Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counseling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can learn more about Esther on her website www.estherkane.com.

This article was originally posted on www.estherkane.com. It is reposted with the author’s permission.

Editor’s Note: Last Thursday I shared part I of Tricia Amiel’s post ‘Nearing the Shore.’ Her submission came at a perfect time. For one, last week the topic was about baggage, and as Tricia put it, about women at 40 cleaning our emotional closets of the people, ideas, and feelings that have kept our “consciousness wrapped in warm wet wool.” But for me, the message went even farther than that. In life, when seemingly out of nowhere, you’re presented with an opportunity that seems larger than the talent, ability or resources you currently posses, there’s a tendency to shrink away from it, to doubt, to be afraid. And I was doing all those things.

But when Tricia sent me an email that read in part, “writing my life has always been like poking and twisting a stick into a sore; it hurts, it bleeds– A LOT.  Women at Forty gave me a safe place to do that, one in which I felt myself being listened to rather than turned away from…” it reminded me that there is a community of women, myself included, for which The Women at Forty Project will answer as many questions as it asks.

Part II - The answers are coming toward me by Tricia Amiel

As my physical pain subsided, I slowly came to understand something I thought I already knew—that change, in whatever form it comes, is opportunity. I found myself praying on a daily basis, something I had never deigned to do before. The world reached my eyes and my thoughts differently, with a softer hue. I wrapped myself in blankets and sat outside on my terrace on the coldest nights Florida has seen in decades, feeling myself at peace with something larger than everything, my hopes and dreams included. I listened as my friend reported to me what was happening in my workplace and determined that I would not return. I made progress with my thesis, cooked elaborate meals for my children, and spent hours talking with and attending to them. I enjoyed the quiet days and the time I had to allow myself to unfurl, retreat, and unfurl again like a butterfly newly out of its cocoon, contemplating what to do next.

The answers are coming toward me. I hear them in the limn between sleep and waking. I’ve asked for—and received in most cases—forgiveness, from others and from myself. I am carefully putting aside those things from my past that have no place in my future. I am culling a different understanding of what it means to me to be forty. Here again, I am a bit frenzied with new dreams, but mindful now of what change really is and that control is an illusion I must maintain to some degree. But I am mindful too of the limits of control in the face of reality. Things come, they go. A back turns against you or yours against another, and suddenly there is more space to be who you are. A desired change fails to take shape to your specifications, and a different opportunity, one you never expected, comes through your door. It holds your hand and leads you to a better way to get to a place you never even knew you needed to be.

I am set adrift again, my face to the sun; I look upward—not behind, not ahead—and watch nascent butterflies dip and loop above, quickly becoming mature. Though my eyes are turned away from it, I am somehow certain of my nearness to the shore, and of forty’s harbor there.

Read Part I of Tricia Amiel’s Post “Nearing the Shore,” here.

Editor’s Note:

Four or five years ago I started down the path to a different sort of life. I had a nice house, a good job, lots of friends and an active social life. In spite of all that, I realized I was just coasting along, no longer leading the life I wanted. I started reading, watching, listening and being open to change and the conscious lifestyle movement resonated with me.

After thirty-one years in my small west Texas town I found myself beginning to mentally and emotionally detach from what had ceased to be a fulfilling life. This shift left me feeling like I was waiting for something, I just didn’t know what.

The famous quote by Gandhi, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world”, began to have a whole new meaning for me. I realized that if I wanted to lead a more basic, thoughtful life, I was going to have to stop waiting and take action. I started volunteering locally and making contributions globally. I turned some of my flower beds into vegetable gardens and got some backyard chickens. That helped but I was still leading pretty much the same life.

I began to think about where I would choose to be if I could be anywhere. What I came up with was a little cabin, a few chickens and a garden; in other words, a much simpler lifestyle. I put that out there and things started to get a little weird!

I stumbled across an article on a blog I’d never seen before. The article was about a small farm in southwestern Virginia, which the author had purchased but was not ready to occupy. He was looking for a caretaker. On a whim I sent him an email. He received dozens of applications but, after discovering and reading my blog and realizing we were on the same path, offered me the position.

“In for a penny, in for a pound”, I thought so I put my house on the market and made arrangements to sell the bulk of my possessions. In spite of the soft market I sold my house in three days for above my asking price. Within a month of having read that blog post, I was on the farm, leading a very different lifestyle!

I’ve been on the farm for six months now, with three more months to go before the owner arrives and I am in the wind. Although my income and my social circle has greatly decreased, thanks to technology I have been able to keep working and keep in touch with those of my friends who mean the most to me.

I’m learning a lot about myself since moving to the farm. I am confident that I will be fine wherever I go; that I will be up to the challenges that face me. I miss having people I can call to meet for lunch or catch a move or go for a drink but there are nice, friendly people everywhere and I’m learning to reach out a little more. I’ve learned that I value free time more than money. I used to dream of a windfall solving my problems. Now my needs are few and all I really care about is being able to pay my basic bills and hopefully put a little away. The main thing I’ve learned is to stop pushing and allow life to happen.

How does anything get done if you stop pushing? It’s not about doing nothing, it’s about deciding where to put your energies. I’m no longer striving for a better job, bigger house, newer car or a bigger bank account. I’m striving to be a better person. That’s hard work. I figure if I can get that one down, the rest will take care of itself!

I don’t know what is going to happen next but I know that it will be the right thing and I’m facing it with a feeling of happy anticipation!

We can learn a lot from Mary about stepping out and into something even when you’re not completely sure of the how and the what. What’s something you’ve really wanted to do but haven’t done yet? What’s stopping you? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

___________________________________________________________

Mary (pictured above) is a 48-year old single mother of a college-aged son who is navigating her way through midlife and documenting it at http://www.simplyforties.com, where she writes about personal finance, relationships, grown children, the environment and social responsibility. She is on an adventure caretaking a small farm in southwestern Virginia and looking forward to whatever life has to offer!

Editor’s Note

Hello Fellow Women (Wait a second…aren’t “fellows” men? How do we feminize this word?), Well, hello to all of you anyway until we come up with a better alternative to “fellow”…

In this issue of my e-zine, I want to talk with you gals about that much-touted, not-so-easy to obtain, pop-psychology all-star concept; self-esteem. We all want to know:  What is it? How do I get me some of that?  How do I make it stay?

In this article, I’m going to attempt to begin addressing these questions to get you thinking, questioning, and hopefully, moving forward to answering them for yourself.

In terms of what self-esteem is, I have found a few definitions by doing a web-search for the term. Here they are:

• Feelings of self-worth stemming from the individual’s positive or negative beliefs about being valuable and capable
• a feeling of pride in yourself
• dignity: the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect

I’d say those are pretty good definitions and quite straightforward. If only it were as easy to HAVE self-esteem as it is to define it! I wish I could tell you that I was one of those women who treats low-self-esteem like a ridiculous practical joke and just laughs it away while I constantly feel fabulous, brilliant, beautiful, and at “the top of my game”, but I’d be lying and I am really bad at lying and the guilt obtained from lying would decrease my self-esteem further, which is something I don’t need at the moment.

Yes, I have moments of feeling like I can take on the world and dance around the kitchen singing “W-O-M-A-N” at the top of my lungs along with the CD, only to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror to observe that, “wow- don’t I look fabulous today?” Then I have a great day at work and really get it that I’m helping people to live better lives and I give myself the old pat on the back for a job well done…

Those are the good days…

On the bad days, I have what I call “low self-esteem attacks” wherein I temporarily forget who I am, what I do for the world, and what is good about me. And I know I’m not the only one because every day I hear stories from my clients about the exact same phenomenon. When I have positive self-esteem myself I look at these amazing women in front of my eyes who think they’re “nothing”, “stupid”, and “ugly” and I want to jump up out of my chair and scream, “Who told you these horrible lies about yourself?! None of it is true! You’re brilliant, magnificent, and fabulous and have so much to contribute to the world!”

But, being the ‘good therapist’, I wipe the horror off my face and do my best to appear emotionally neutral and help them come to their own conclusions; in their own time. And I know that as a woman, it’s useless to tell another woman over and over again just how great she is and why I admire her. While it’s great to be reminded in our low times, we also need to work on remembering how fabulous we really are all on our own and not become dependent on hearing it from other people so much of the time.

Why is this so hard for so many of us? I have seen lots of women out there who really are convincing when they say that they don’t care what other people think about them, but I’m not so sure they’re being totally honest. I mean, is there one woman out there who has NEVER given a damn about what someone thought of her? If there is, I want to meet her and get her recipe for high self-esteem!

To end this brief thinking-out-loud session about women and self-esteem, I’d like to leave you with some tips on how to boost your self-esteem when you’re having a “low self-esteem attack”:
· write down all the negative things you’re thinking about yourself on one side of a piece of paper, and on the other side, counter them with evidence to the contrary. For example, if you write, “I can’t present myself professionally in public”, you may counter it with, “Yes I can. I did a great job when I did the _______ presentation at work last week and people commented on how professional and organized I was.”

• Call a woman who is less prone to “low self-esteem attacks” (I always call my mother!) and ask her to remind you who you are because you’ve temporarily forgotten…then have a good laugh and ask her how she’s doing.
• When in the midst of a “L.S.E.A.”, seek upliftment (is that a word?) from strong, you-go-girl women who make you feel like you can do anything and take on the world. For example, you may have a favourite female singer who tells it like it is and makes you feel powerful. I don’t know about you, but every time I listen to Aretha Franklin belting out, “RESPECT” or “THINK”, my self-esteem rises considerably.
• And lastly, if all else fails, PRAY!!!!!!! Pray to who/whatever you believe in that has ‘higher power energy’ to help you let go of ‘playing small’ and to send you some reminders of your real self. Pray in earnest and then wait to be pleasantly surprised!

Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counselling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can learn more about Esther on her website www.estherkane.com.

This article was originally posted on www.estherkane.com. It is reposted with the authors permission.

Now, even in the midst of a world wide economic crisis, national healthcare debates and unspeakable crimes in the news, there’s still something about this season that gives me hope and joy.  The season ushers in a time when we increase our efforts at feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless and bringing a smile on the faces of children all over the world. When I see how millions of people, all over the world, reach deep into pockets that are emptier than they were in years past, it reminds me that at our core, we can be divinely human, and I am eternally thankful for that.

I’m also thankful that I live in a country where I’m free to openly express my faith without persecution. I’m grateful that I live in a country where as a woman I, at least on paper, have as many rights as a man. I’m grateful for a seemingly endless supply of books and knowledge that I have at my fingertips via the Internet or my local Barnes and Noble. I’m thankful that my parents made me read newspapers and do reports in the summer when I was a kid, so that I could consume information about the world around me. I’m grateful for nearly forty years of making mistakes, and being smarter and stronger for having made them.

What are you most thankful for this season? Share your thoughts in the comment section, or on our Facebook fan page. You can also catch updates on Twitter @womenatforty.

I first read Laurie’s story on Blogher after she’d responded to

bittersweet milestone

In an hour, I will be forty.

The celebrating began in early July and I have been very, very spoiled.

Life is good and I have more reason for hope than I have had in a long time.

But I would be lying if I did not admit that this birthday is a bit tinged with sadness.

My life, at forty, does not look the way I thought it would. Cancer has irrevocably changed me and the choices I will make. My expectations and aspirations will never again be what they once were.

So, yes, I’m a little sad.

But I have, thus far, defied medical expectations and I am determined that I will continue to do so.

I have a beautiful family and a community of friends who have, in turn, exceeded my expectations of love and friendship.

I am feeling more creative, inspired and confident than I have since childhood.

And it feels like more good things are just around the corner.

I need to indulge this sadness, to give it voice, and as I write, it dissipates.

Tomorrow, we head to one of my favourite places in the world, where I will be reunited with my nine-year old, who I have not seen in almost two weeks (he has been hanging out with his cousins).

I have missed him more than he has missed me (which is as it should be) but I can’t wait to hug him.

I think I am going to have a very good birthday.

I’ll be off line for the next week or so. I have so much to share when I get back, half written posts inspired by my time at the BlogHer conference.

It’s going to be a good year. I can feel it.

Laurie Kingston (pictured right) blogs at Not Just About Cancer. She lives, writes, plays and parents in Ottawa, Canada. Diagnosed with breast cancer that had spread to her liver in 2006, Laurie has been officially NED (“no evidence of disease) since June 30, 2007. She will likely remain in treatment for the rest of her life but finds that life to be busy and fulfilling. Laurie is now 42 and hopes to have many, many more birthdays to write about. Her book, Not Done Yet: Living Through Breast Cancer was published in March 2009 by Women’s Press.

Charlese

Turning 40 for me was 15 years ago and I was terrified. I was in a good place in life, however I was afraid of getting older. I realized that I still had so much growing to do. I looked at life differently and prayed that I would mature and be a role model for my child. I thought I had it all worked out and would be smarter and clear on objectives in life. Well things have not been all I thought because of mistakes, some I could help and others I could not control.

So I say live life and don’t be afraid to let the wisdom and knowledge flow. Don’t be afraid to take chances and for heavens sake don’t leave this earth with regrets. Turning 40 was a “blessing” turning “50″ was a blessing and “60″ is looking great. Let your spirit be free and your blessings multiply.

Kalin Thomas

See the World Productions

The best things about turning 40: your tolerance for bull goes to zero, and you know what you want and what you don’t want in your life and you’re not afraid to say it.

Anaezi Modu
Founder and CEO, REBRAND™

Blessed with great health, great family, + finally confident enough as a single mom to start and run a biz with global reach on few dollars!

Pat

The best thing about being forty, which for me was 14 years ago, was self-confidence!  My only child, my daughter, was 12-years-old, so the demands of motherhood had eased up somewhat and I had more time to focus on myself.

To share your thoughts with The Women at Forty Project, send your videos, essays, observations, photos…anything that defines forty for you, to contribute@womenatforty.com.