Lesson 2: I’m not one to strike up conversations with strangers, but I find that (particularly at a writers conference) people will talk if you will listen. I didn’t want to take the easy way out and hide behind my phone or tablet so I took the opportunity to sit with people I didn’t know.  Every time I did, I was inspired by their stories of tenacity and perseverance. In the span of two days, I had conversations with:

The post 2 and a Half Lessons I Learned From Attending a Writers Conference appeared first on Women at Forty™.

I also wrote a post, about love, fear and everything in between, which received several emotionally raw comments from women who, at 40, had never experienced real love or relationships. I turned one comment, from a woman who was turning 40 and had never been in a relationship, into a post and that post hit a nerve, becoming one of the most commented on posts on the site.

Today a member of the WAF community, Tricia, is presenting an alternative view to the theory that every woman, and certainly every woman in her 40s, wants to be in a relationship. She’s alone and thrives in it. That’s not so unusual, as I have many single female friends in their 40s and older who enjoy their single status. Where I think she’s different is, well, read for yourself…

On Being Alone - by Tricia Amiel

I come from a large family of women.  At some point in my life, around the age of 40, I realized that all of them are alone.  There are no marriages that worked out, no long term relationships.  I don’t know what it is about us as a family, and I wonder what it is about me.

I’ve been alone a long time, after a failed marriage and a long string of short affairs.  It wasn’t a decision I made at first, but I’ve grown into aloneness and am finding comfort in it.  It’s now a solid decision that I’m making every day.  I recognize that I’ve made poor choices in the past, and that this has probably influenced my decision to be alone.  But it’s more than that. I really just don’t need or want to be with anybody.  I feel alone in that too.  It seems to me that everybody wants to find the right person to be with, and I’ve wondered what it is about me that finds me in this place in my life, and what it means.

Maybe this is just a stage in my life that will change, but I can’t even imagine that.  I can imagine doing the rest of my journey through this life without a partner.  In fact, I’m comforted by the thought.  There’s a certain joy in it for me.  It’s not that I never get lonely, because I certainly do.  But not often enough to make a difference in how I feel, and it’s easily resolved by spending time with my friends, my children, even the students I am compelled to connect with a couple of times a week.  I’m filled up by working, by writing, by achieving my goals.  It’s enough for me somehow, and more satisfying than any relationship I’ve ever been in.

Although I’ve been accused of deluding myself, of being bitter,  I like to think that maybe I’ve finally learned to love myself and my life enough, that I’ve come into a state of grace after years of struggling with life and with love.  There’s nothing bitter about this…this is a kind of deep, meaningful peace, something I’ve never found in romantic relationships.  It’s about me, and having the space to come into my own way of living and being.  That way simply doesn’t require the presence of another being.  There’s just enough of me now to give myself the joy, the comfort, the love that I need.

A very important person in my life once told me that the only way I was ever going to feel complete was to be with the right person.  I can honestly say to her that I’ve found that right person, after 42 years of searching, that she is my one and only, hopefully for a lifetime.  That she is me.

What are your thoughts on being single at 40? Are you like this reader who not only enjoys it, but plans on staying that way? Share your thoughts here or on The Women at Forty Facebook page.

The post On Being Alone appeared first on Women at Forty™.

I’m not a member of the anti-aging brigade, with its endless wrinkle cream demonstrations and elusive fountains of youth. I find aging, and almost everything that comes along with it, far superior to the alternative. I also don’t buy into society’s narrowly defined standard of beauty or the notion that we can, or should try to, “buy” our way to happiness. If I’d accepted every botox, lipo, and plastic surgery business that wanted to advertise on this site, I’d be writing this post from somewhere in Bali. But I’ve made a conscious decision not to because we deserve better.

So, what’s a woman at 40 to do?

I think it’s good to always want to look and feel our best.  Our best. Untarnished by the expectations and definitions of others, and unsullied by comparing ourselves to others or even to our former selves. It’s quite a balancing act – the desire to push against societal pressure to look 21 all our lives versus the fact that we do want to look our best selves for as long as we can. One of the ways we can do it is by making smart, conscious decisions about the products and ingredients we put on our skin.  We can buy more responsibly, and we can find solutions in our own home.

So whether it’s a remedy for dry skin, age spots, or a good moisturizer you seek, here are 5 simple, natural solutions you can probably find in your pantry…

1. Banana Skin for Adult Acne – You thought your days of acne were over. Not so much? This acne remedy is as easy as it gets. You know that banana peel you’re about to throw away? Don’t. Take the bottom half, cut one segment off and rub the inside of the peel against your acne spots until the inside of the peel browns. Leave the residue on your face for anywhere from 30 minutes to overnight and then rinse. Continue daily until the acne subsides.

2. Aloe Vera Gel  for “Age Spots” -  Because we begin noticing these darker pigmented spots on our skin in our 40s, they’ve been dubbed aged spots. But age spots can happen at any age, because they’re (for the most part) caused by sun exposure over many years.  Age spots aren’t dangerous, but if you’d like to lighten them, applying aloe vera gel is said to do the trick.

3. Coffee Grounds Exfoliant  – When you’re done with your morning cup of Joe, don’t dump those coffee grounds, use them to exfoliate. Mix 1/4 cup used coffee grounds and one egg white.  An alternate recipe calls for mixing 1 Tbsp coffee grounds with 1 Tbsp of water or olive oil. Massage onto face, let it dry and then rinse with warm water. When used as a body scrub, caffeinated coffee grounds are also said to help relieve cellulite.

4. Vitamin E Moisturizer – I know several women with flawless skin who swear by this easy, inexpensive facial moisturizer. Simply break open vitamin E capsules and gently massage into your skin. I find that in the winter especially, Vitamin E does a great job at keeping the dryness away.

5. Dry Brush Scrub – Our bodies detoxify in a number of ways, including through our kidneys, lungs and skin. Our skin is responsible for a quarter of our body’s daily detoxification. Dry brushing stimulates the lymphatic system, improving circulation and detoxification. Dry brushing also helps remove dead skin cells, softens skin, and helps reduce cellulite. Always brush skin when it’s dry,  moving from your feet upwards, and before a shower or bath. If you don’t already own a body brush, Fantasea Natural Bristle Body Brushis an affordable and highly rated option.

 Do you have any natural beauty solutions that work wonders for you? Share them here, or on the Women at Forty Facebook page.

Note: If you have allergies, or are sensitive to any of the above ingredients, do not apply them to your skin.

The post Five for Friday: Five Natural Beauty Solutions for Women at 40 appeared first on Women at Forty™.

Don’t worry, you don’t have to be a granola-eating tree-hugger to appreciate Earth Day, and this isn’t a preachy stop-doing-that-or-small-furry-creatures-suffer post. It’s a reminder that everything, from the food we eat to the beauty products we purchase, impacts us on a local and global level.

For me, Earth Day reminds me to step back from the constant barrage of media messages telling me to consume more.  It prompts me to make more mindful choices that allow me to live more simply. Choices that allow others in this world to simply live.

From purchasing locally grown food, when available, to making your own beauty and skin care products, living more naturally has its benefits.

On Friday, I’m dusting off my old Five-For-Friday format to share five natural beauty solutions that women at forty (or any age for that matter) can probably find right in their pantry. The solutions are simple, inexpensive, and most importantly, all natural. The post is actually a sneak-peak at an eBook I’m working on about natural beauty solutions for women at 40. The eBook, the first in my new 40 for 40 series, is tentatively titled, Radiance: The natural guide to radiant, healthy skin at 40 and beyond. It will include 40 tried and tested simple alternatives (or enhancements) to commercially available beauty products.

Until then, I encourage you to think about ways you can slow down, simplify, and incorporate natural alternatives in your lives.

If you’ve already incorporated natural solutions into your lifestyle, please share them in the comment section or on the Women at Forty Facebook page.

The post On Earth Day, Living Simply, and Going Natural appeared first on Women at Forty™.

No, the frog that Andrew Mountcastle captured in this video. This frog (I’ll call him Isaac to distinguish him from the frog named Hannibal that attacked me this weekend) fails epically (and humorously) at doing what he does best, and I learned a few things from watching him fail:

1. There was a moment there when Isaac knew he’d failed – I imagine it was when he pulled back his tongue and it didn’t taste like dragonfly.  Notice he followed through with the arm-gab move anyway. When you really want something you keep at it until you’ve done everything in your power to get it.
2. Even when you’re really good at something – maybe even born to do it – there are times you’ll fail.
3. Some people, sitting comfortably in their chairs at home (doing absolutely nothing else) will watch you fail and get a kick out of it. They’ll even derive pleasure from watching you fail. That’s none of your business.  Do what you’re supposed to do anyway.
4. Dragonflies are disgusting, why would Isaac work so hard to try and get one? Because Isaac knows what he wants.  You decide what motivates you. You determine what’s worth working hard for.  No one has to love what you want to do/have/be, but  you.
5. Even if you’ve done something and done it well for 40 years, sometimes you just fail. Cut yourself some slack and try again tomorrow. It happens to the best of us. And Isaac.

The post Life Lessons at 40: Things I Learned From Watching a Frog’s Epic Fail appeared first on Women at Forty™.

For some time now Facebook has been “suggesting” posts in my news feed. Sometimes the suggestions are food related. Other times they’re of the health and beauty variety. So far so good.

But sometimes Facebook misses the mark.

A few weeks ago, it began “suggesting” I date Cowboys and Native Americans. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – she says in her best Jerry Seinfeld voice.

The fact is, I’m good with dating either Cowboys or Native Americans (or both, caus’ I got it like that), but not if they come by the way of a Facebook suggestion, and definitely not because they’re either one or the other. I’m trying to figure out what it is about my Facebook profile that says I’m ready to saddle up with a caricaturization of a man.

Full disclosure: I have started listening to country music again. I say again because back in the 80s while many of my peers were listening to R&B and Pop, I was twanging and twining with Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers, and Barbara Mandrell and the Manderell Sisters.  And then there’s that thing I kind of have for Blake Shelton…but how does Facebook know that? Has Facebook determined that I’m an unmarried woman in her 40s so therefore I must be looking for love? Is Facebook mocking me? Facebook is mocking me.

The truth is, I got a kick out of the suggested posts. I even clicked over and checked out the sites.

I shouldn’t have.

But you can go see for yourself. If you’re interested in a “Handsome Cowboy”, click here. “Handsome Native American” more your style? Click here.  If you’re looking for unattractive Cowboys or Native Americans, or anyone else for that matter, according to Facebook, you’re just plum out of luck.

The post Facebook Wants Me to Date Cowboys and Native Americans appeared first on Women at Forty™.

Another quote about fear that resonates with me is “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon. 

Here’s the thing about fear – it’s a part of life. Literally. In the right scenarios (like fleeing Zombies, Bond villains and the one armed man) fear helps keep us alive. But being too afraid and being afraid of the wrong things can, and will, steal life away from us, one day at a time.

So, in my best Bill Cosby Jello Pudding voice, I’m suggesting that today, whatever it is you want in your life in a real and meaningful way, decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.  And then go do something that gets you closer to that thing and farther away from the fear.

The post More than you are afraid of it appeared first on Women at Forty™.

Sharon La Cruise is one of my dear friends and former CNN colleagues. After working at CNN, the 1996 Summer Olympics, and Coca-Cola, she left Atlanta for Boston and New York to pursue her dream of becoming a documentary filmmaker.

She has worked on several award-winning films, including:  “Shut Up and Sing” about The Dixie Chicks, and “This Far by Faith” about religion in the African American community.

But at age 49, Sharon reached her goal of writing, producing and directing her own film.  “Daisy Bates:  First Lady of Little Rock” is the product of seven years of hard work.  The film profiles the life of an African American woman who, while in her 40s, fought to integrate Little Rock High School in Arkansas in 1957.

I have the pleasure of traveling as part of Sharon’s “2013 Southern Circuit Tour” to screen the film, and decided to interview her about accomplishing her dream in her 40s.

On Turning 40:

I had reached a point my life where I wanted to live life on my terms without all the BS. I was finally a grown up! And I was on the way to becoming who I wanted to be—a documentary filmmaker.

On why she chose Daisy Bates as the subject of her film:

In 1997, I was 35 years old living in Atlanta. I attended a photo exhibit that would change my life. “I Dream a World” by photographer Brian Lanker included a companion guide of 75 of the most incredible African American women to ever live, including Daisy Bates. I was shocked that I had never learned about her in school.  I started to research more about her and decided to make the film.

On finishing the film after seven years of work:

Producing “Daisy Bates: First Lady of Little Rock” was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. This profession is not for the weak of heart. It takes lots of time researching, writing, editing and fundraising for money.  In the film world, if you get funding from government entities it is mandatory that your film broadcast on PBS or you have to return those funds.  But there are no guarantees that PBS will broadcast your film. I was fortunate to be picked up by “Independent Lens,” which was the culmination of my dreams as a filmmaker. When the film aired on PBS on February 2, 2012–I was 49 years old.

On traveling the country to show the film:

The film has been screened everywhere from Hawaii to New York. Sitting through a screening with an audience has been one of the most rewarding experiences in my life. I love connecting with new people, and it has helped to reaffirm why I made the film in the first place.

On being productive in your 40’s:

Daisy Bates helped to shake the foundation of America in her 40s.  I spent most of my 40s working on the film about her life.  It was both wonderful and stressful.  But I am really proud of all the things I was able to accomplish during that decade of my life.

Advice for women turning 40:

Don’t live your life in fear–take chances–and don’t settle for less than an extraordinary life.  While I was working on the film I had signs up all over my office to encourage me — my favorite was from the film “Million Dollar Baby.” It said “Winners win because they dare to do what losers won’t.”

I hope Sharon’s experiences inspired you.  Your 40s is the time to make no apologies for what you want in life.  So get started now, and never give up on your dreams!  For more information on Sharon and Daisy Bates, visit http://daisybatesfilm.com/.

Editor’s Update: I’ve added this clip from the documentary on PBS’ Independent Lens website.

Watch A Feminist Before the Term Was Invented on PBS. See more from Independent Lens.

 Kalin Thomas is Women at Forty’s Travel & Leisure Editor. She is also Senior Writer/Photographer for SoulOfAmerica. Before starting her own multimedia company, Kalin spent 17 years at CNN where she won several awards for her work as producer/correspondent for CNN’s weekly travel program, CNN TravelNow. She is currently writing a book about her travels. For more information on Kalin, visit www.seetheworldproductions.com.

The post Kalin’s Chronicles: Filmmaker Accomplishes Dream in Her 40s appeared first on Women at Forty™.

Life is too short to finish something you wish you’d never started at the expense of starting something you wish you had. It’s too short to miss out on something worth fighting for because you’re too exhausted from fighting for something that isn’t. And it’s way too short not to know the difference.

I’ve been reading and DNFing (don’t worry, I’m not cursing – at least not here on the blog) a lot of books lately. DNF means “Did Not Finish.”

It’s a term that’s used in sports. And apparently a DNF is the kiss of death.  Athletes try hard to avoid getting a DNF. Most people, athletes or otherwise, don’t like DNFing.

We want to finish whatever we started because it’s been ingrained in us since childhood that winners never quit. We never, ever, ever give up.

But what if we did. What if we gave up on certain things to make room for the right things.

I now have over 500 titles on my Kindle. 500. How that happened is a story in itself, but I’ll never be able to get through all 500. Years ago when I spent more time reading physical in-my-hands books, I always finished them, no matter how awful they were. Because that’s what you did.  Because you always finish what you start, and I felt bad for the author if I DNF (as if she’d know.) These days, I still kind of feel bad for the author, but I stop reading if I don’t like it. Why finish a book I’m lukewarm about at the expense of finding one I’ll adore?

Outside of the book analogy, why spend time with people or activities just because you think you’re supposed to, at the expense of meeting people and engaging in activities you’d really enjoy.

Why stay in that relationship, on that career path, in that organization just because you think you’re supposed to. Think about what you’re not starting because you’re so busy finishing something you really didn’t want in the first place.

I think it was Abe Lincoln who first said, “DNF that sucker and move on.” Although I’m not sure because I never quite finished reading his biography. I DNF that sucker and moved on. What are you DNFing today?

The post DNF that sucker and move on appeared first on Women at Forty™.

Beginnings are exciting.

Endings can be triumphant.

The middle though…sometimes the middle is the mess.

It’s far enough from the excitement of the beginning that you sometimes forget why you started. And so far away from the end that you wonder why you started in the first place.

But the ugly middle is where you get things done.

If you’re changing old, dysfunctional patterns, the ugly middle is where your mind catches up to your heart.

If you’re moving toward a physical transformation, the ugly middle is that space where your body is strengthening itself on the inside but the changes aren’t yet visible on the outside.

If you’re a creative, the ugly middle is where your character finds its voice, it’s where your art takes on personality and it’s where you separate yourself from the hobbyists.

And if it’s your life, the ugly middle is where you live it. It’s the day-to-day stuff that feels mundane and repetitive, but it’s the stuff you do that results in your children being loving and compassionate. The ugly middle is where life-long friends are made, where faith is tested (and passes), and where you understand that your life is blessed – regardless of your current circumstance. And it’s the way you love the people you love. Day to day. Right there in the ugly middle.

In our 40s we’re, literally and figuratively, in the middle. Some days it feels really ugly. Some days it’s the most beautiful life we could have imagined.

Whatever day it is for you, don’t give up. There’s a wide open road in front of us leading us to a triumphant ending if we can just make it through the ugly middle.

The post The Ugly Middle appeared first on Women at Forty™.