Spa Etiquette Tips

• Arrive at least 20 minutes before your appointment to check-in, change, and relax.
• Turn off your cell phone, and speak quietly to be considerate of the spa atmosphere.
• Remove all jewelry – they’ll get in the way, and can be damaged by the oils used.
• If you’re uncomfortable with nudity, leave your underwear on. A sheet is covering you at all times, and only the parts that are being massaged are exposed.

• It’s best to get your massage before your facial or mani/pedi.
• It’s OK to let talk to your therapist and let them know if the pressure isn’t good or if the music is too loud, etc. It’s also OK to talk during your session or say nothing at all – the therapist will take your lead.
• When getting a spa treatment in another country, research their etiquette before you go.
• If you’re paying with a gift certificate, don’t forget to tip your therapist.
• Don’t plan anything strenuous after your massage – going to lunch with a girlfriend is good, but something like shopping should be done before the massage.
• Remember to drink lots of water afterward to help release any toxins in your body.

A spa day can be a special treat for your 40^th birthday – by yourself, with the girls, or with your sweety. And of course, it’s always great when you can get a deal – like during Spa Week. To find participating spas in your area, visit http://www.spaweek.com. And remember: “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness” – Mark Twain.

That hair indoctrination transcends race, ethnicity and culture, but as you can imagine, the message can be an especially difficult one for little girls whose hair grow naturally from their heads in crowns of tightly woven corkscrews. Within the African American community, women are dealing with hair issues including going “natural” or not, straightening, weaving, and yes, “the long hair” phenomenon as well.  I’ve learned that some Asian and Caucasian women use Thermal Conditioning to remove even a hint of curl or wave from their hair. And it wasn’t until Chris Rock’s visit to Oprah last year that I started paying attention to blonds with roots, and realized that an awful lot of blonds weren’t born that way.  But we’ll tackle those issues in a future post, today’s hair issue is about long hair and older women.  (Image credit: George Eastman House)

This past week I came across a New York Times article about long hair on older women. Here’s an excerpt from Why Can’t Middle Age Women Have Long Hair?:

I have long hair. I’m not talking about long enough to brush gently on my shoulder — when I tilt my head. I’m not talking about being a couple of weeks late to the hairdresser. I’m talking long. Long enough for a ponytail with swing to it. Long enough to sit against when I’m in a chair. Long enough to have to lift it up out of the sweater I’m pulling over my head. Long enough to braid.

No one seems to have any problems when a woman of a certain age cuts her hair off. It is considered the appropriate thing to do, as if being shorn is a way of releasing oneself from the locks of the past. I can see the appeal, and have, at times in my life, gone that route. Some women want to wash the men (or jobs) right out of their hair. Others of us have to have at them with scissors. Again, I do not judge. Go right ahead, be a 60-year-old pixie.

So why do people judge middle-aged long hair so harshly?

Is long hair on older women viewed negatively in today’s society? At 40(ish) how are you wearing your hair and why?  Share your “hair thoughts” in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

In my pre-twelve little girl eyes, my mother was everything I wanted to be. My memory paints pictures of my mother in swimming watercolor, like the paintings she’d made when she was a girl. Paintings that had been hung in Jamaica’s Devon House, a prominent government building where she had worked in the gift shop long before I entered her imagination. When I picture her in the early days of my childhood, I see a hard-working, determined student and superb mathematician studying by the singular circle of light thrown on the dining table from the lamp above. (Photo: my mother the Jamaican Beauty)

Tendrils of cigarette smoke clambering, full of motion, moved about her face and lovely dark hair. Beads of sweat clung to her upper lip, the tip of her tongue poked out of the corner of her closed mouth the way it does when she is concentrating, a trait both of my sons carry.

Beyond a student, my mother was a self-reliant grease monkey who banged away under the hood of her car, fixing things her mechanic father had taught her to fix. She would stand fearlessly on a ladder changing light bulbs, changing fuses, putting together bookshelves, installing appliances. Too, she could be an elegant, stately hostess in flowing pink silk, her hair carefully curled and in its proper place. On those occasions, she stood before extravagant meals, hosting dinner parties. She had a raucous, shameless laugh, irrepressible and contagious for her guests.

When I was about six years old, my grandmother showed me a photograph of my mother that had appeared in a Jamaica Tourist Board’s brochure. “She was eighteen,” was my grandmother’s only remark as she carefully removed the rubber band that held the tattered and faded brochure together. It was a small headshot, a profile of her striking young face. Her huge doe eyes were turned toward the camera, framed by the dark, heavy arcs of her eyebrows. Her flawless cinnamon-colored skin was accented by high wide cheekbones, the gift my grandmother passed on to all of her children. Silken black curls had escaped the upsweep of her hair and hung loosely about her face. From the one visible ear hung a ceramic “bunch of banana” earring the photographer had asked her to model for a catalog. She had agreed, she told me later, only because he’d promised her face would not appear. The photo turned up in the brochure months later, along with the caption “Jamaican Beauty.”

Monday: Sometimes parents teach us what not to do. Part 2 of A Jamaican Beauty

You never know what you’ll find on Facebook, and although we were holdouts for a long time, we’ve found quite a few fab finds through the web’s #1 social networking site. Here are five of our faves, and you don’t even have to be on Facebook to enjoy them, you can check them all out by visiting their websites.

1. Dove Self Esteem Fund – You may have seen the commercials on TV, but fanning them on Facebook let’s you see what other women are saying about raising their daughters in a society that often marginalizes them. The fund creates programs to help girls build positive self-esteem and a healthy body image. Their goal is to reach 5 million girls globally by 2010. Fan them here, and learn more about the fund on their website. (Image: Dove Girls – Campaign for Real Beauty

2. Revolution of Real Women – is a global movement advocating the empowerment of females in reclaiming their freedom of individuality, self-esteem and unique beauty. Why do we love RORW? This was a recent Facebook status “Skinny isn’t out. Curves aren’t in. One type of body isn’t more REAL than another. The ‘in’ body is the one YOU were born with.” Who can argue with that? You can follow RORW on Facebook or check out images of real women on Flickr.

3. Single Choice: Many Lives – We featured this documentary on WAF this week. It follows 38 year old filmmaker Anne Catherine Hundhausen as she documents women who’ve gone the invitro route, while she contemplates having the procedure herself. Fan Single Choice: Many Lives on Facebook, and check out the website here.

4. Beauty In the Eyes of the Beheld – This award winning documentary explores the blessings and curses of being beautiful from the point of view of women considered “beautiful.” The film follows eight women labeled as beautiful – two pageant winners, an exotic dancer, a former pop musician, a college student, an assistant paralegal, a physician, and an entrepreneur – and shares their stories of how concepts and realities of physical beauty have molded their lives for both better and worse. Check out the Facebook page here.

5. Wisebread – is a personal finance and frugal living forum providing tips on how to live large on a small budget. When you fan them on Facebook, you’ll get great tips on reducing spending, going green at the office and their Best Deals Daily Roundup that’ll turn you on to great online deals and freebies. Fan Wisebread on Facebook, or visit them at Wisebread.com.

When it comes to going under the knife, according to our latest poll, 40% of you say that you’ll never do it. But most of you fell somewhere in between wanting a little lipo and a tummy tuck, to asking us to check in with you in a few more years. Some women even said that they’d already had work done. Fillers, botox and minor “body work” seemed to be ok for many. But most drew the line at face lifts or the types of extreme surgical procedures we’ve seen in the media of late.

After we posted our interview with Jo, from Beyond Cougar, we received several comments about the whole cougar craze. While one reader felt that in her quest not to be stereotyped by her choice of mate, Jo was in fact stereotyping older men. Others wrote in to say that the term cougar incorrectly assumes that older female/male relationships are based solely on sex and money. We’ll be covering more on the subject in a future post when we talk to a woman who suggests that sex – at least for her – is exactly what these relationships are based on.

Finally, when ABC and Fox refused to air the now infamous Lane Bryant ad, it sparked a wave of controversy and a media backlash. Were ABC and Fox objecting to the nature of the ad or the size of its subject? After all, Victoria’s Secret ads run all the time on the major networks. One reader, playing devil’s advocate, suggested that the objections to the ad might actually be based on the fact that the woman featured was actually going to meet someone for lunch in her underwear. While we’d like to give the networks the benefit of the doubt, when one of the objections comes from the same network that airs Desperate (half naked) Housewives and Dancing With The Stars featuring scantily clad “celebrities” we tend to think otherwise.

Bottom line – definitions of beauty evolve as we mature, unless of course you’re ABC or CBS. But for the rest of us, as we get older what we find beautiful, thankfully expands to include scars, wrinkles and signs that we’ve been there, done that and lived a little while we were doing it. After all, “Pretty is something you’re born with. But beautiful, that’s an equal opportunity adjective.”

Over on Facebook a lively discussion started on dying gray hair, growing old gracefully and good genes.  On the site a few of you even commented that you’d already had some work done – and saw no problem with that. Here’s a little of what you had to say on dying gray hair, aging gracefully and cosmetic surgery…

I’ve decided against plastic surgery. I like how I look even as I get older. Yes, I see my little fat cheeks dropping a little, and I notice more lines under my eyes…but I remember that they are there because I laugh a lot and that’s a good thing, right? -E

For me, aging gracefully means accepting myself and loving myself as I am. I am fortunate that my only telltale aging sign is gray hair, which I’ve had since my early 20s. While I do color my gray, I highly doubt that I would or will ever have plastic surgery/Botox/Restalayne/etc.. -R

I would consider having plastic surgery, in fact I admit that I started doing fillers and botox about 1 year ago. What does aging “gracefully” mean anyway? Does it mean we have to accept the fact that we just don’t look like 20 anymore? I get that! I don’t want to look like 20 because I feel different now than I did 20 years ago. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to look my best, does it? – S

I had procedures done as well, Botox, Sculptra, Chemical peels and I might consider more “drastic” measures in the future if I feel I have to. I will turn 40 this year and although I know I am now considered to be a “middle aged woman” now, I will not let myself go. – Sun

Join the conversation – Take our “plastic surgery” poll, share your thoughts in the comment section and sound off on our Facebook page. We want to know what all of you have to say about aging and beauty in today’s culture.

At one point, a lifetime ago now it seems, I thought about re-closing it and my grandmother said simply, “Why close it? If it came back, that means it’s meant to be there. It makes you different.” She said it so confidently and with such assurance, as though she’d heard it from God himself, that I knew immediately she was right. And that validation from her was all I needed to never question the existence of my gap again. Even when some adults have asked if I’ve ever thought about getting it “fixed” and children have pointed to their missing front teeth

and asked me if the tooth fairy left me money too (yes, that really happened once), even then I’ve never once considered changing my gap-toothed smile. More important than the fact that I’ve gotten more compliments over the years than comments, is the fact that I genuinely like my smile.

If only we could pull sweet grandmother wisdom out of our pockets whenever we had doubts about our perceived imperfections. We’d spend a lot less time being unhappy and a lot more time focusing on the things that really matter. What others thought about our perceived imperfections would be meaningless, because what we knew to be true about ourselves would be shaped by someone who’d heard it directly from God himself. Wouldn’t that be a great way to start thinking about ourselves – all of it, cellulite, wrinkles and all?

So what’s your “imperfection”, and how did you learn to love it? Have you learned to love it? Share your thoughts in the comment section, or on our Facebook fan page. And, don’t forget to take this week’s poll – Would you ever consider plastic surgery?

Image: Lauren Hutton’s gap-tooth smile

Last week we were all a bit at a loss for words when a reader who called herself “Too ashamed to use her real name” wrote in about the hurt and pain she felt at never having been in a real relationship. Several things she said struck a chord with us, but these words in particular are relevant to the topic of beauty and aging in our society…

And now that I’m getting old it just crushes me inside…I’ve never been very attractive–I’m not hideous, I’m just not someone that would make a man sit up and take notice when she walks in a room. And now that I’m getting old I’ll be less and less attractive…I look in the mirror and see the fine lines and the hair that’s just starting to turn gray.

While many of us have not had to deal with the intense negative self image that “Too ashamed” has carried around for years, many of us have hyperventilated over gray hairs, spent entire paychecks on beauty products and plucked a stray chin hair while driving down the highway (why do we think car windows are invisible shields?) It’s all got us wondering, what do women at 40 see when they look in the mirror?

We’re not talking about the conversations you have with the inner you that you’ve (hopefully) come to love by now – the warrior mom, great wife/mate, all around good person who repeats the mantra daily that beauty comes from within. No, we’re talking about what you really see when you look in the mirror, the – was that wrinkle there yesterday – why are those hanging so low and where did that come from?!? – conversations.

This week’s new poll asks the question, “Would you ever consider plastic surgery?”  And while many of us outwardly frown on the horribly bloated lips and frozen, botoxed  faces of celebs, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ve all looked in the mirror and had our moments of doubt. So, in a society obsessed with physical beauty, where do we find the happy medium – How do we balance caring about our physical appearance with nurturing the beauty within? We’ll ask our virtual panel these questions and we’ll hear what you have to say.

On the relationship front, the results of last week’s poll are in. In it we asked, what’s the “right age” to get married. Almost 50% of you said there was no such thing as a right age. 31% of you said that getting married in your 30’s was the right age. But what if the man you married in your 30’s was 10 years younger? This week we’ll be posting an excerpt from our interview with Jo, creator of the website Beyond Cougar.  At 33, Jo married a man 10 years her junior. But before you call her a cougar, listen up, she doesn’t like that label at all and refuses to be defined by the age of the man she married. Now 5 years into her marriage, she shares her thoughts on marriage, younger men and why the term ‘cougar’ offends her.

So, do you like what you see when you look in the mirror, and how has your perception of beauty changed as you’ve gotten older. Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page. And don’t forget to take our poll!

Rachel

Products used: Striking Multi-Vitamin Cleanser, Striking Multi-Peptide Serum, Striking Rejuvenating Eye Crème and Striking Restorative Moisture Crème

Length of time used: 28 days

I really enjoyed using the Striking Skin Care product line! At first, I thought I might not be the best candidate for the products since (thankfully) at 39 years old I’ve yet to develop wrinkles or sagging skin… I am happy to report that these products addressed other issues one might not associate with aging skin and I would definitely recommend them to others. The four-step system is easy to use and all of the products have a subtle, yet fresh scent. I kind of think of it as Pro-Activ for grown-ups.

Step one, Striking Skin Care Multi-Vitamin Cleanser is gentle, yet quite effective. While I am more accustomed to facial cleansers that are sudsier and actually lather, I also know that harsh, drying sulfates are what generally makes that lather and despite not using them on my hair for more than two years, I was still using them on my face (the shame). My rationale was that by the end of the day my skin felt a bit oily so a good scrub was in order. I was also exfoliating with a Buf -Puf type pad in the morning and using an Olay Cleansing Cloth at night (which caused dry spots) and then slathering on moisturizer to replenish.

While using the Striking Skin Care product line, I used only my hands to cleanse my face—nothing more. Within a week I noticed that my skin seemed brighter, smoother and more evenly moisturized. Visibly large and clogged pores on my nose became smaller and within 3 weeks were almost invisible.

Step two, the Striking Multi-Peptide Serum goes on smoothly and absorbs into my skin almost instantly. It reminds me of using a makeup primer, leaving my skin feeling smooth and taught—but not uncomfortably so. I think of it as my skin- perker-upper.

Next up is Striking Rejuvenating Eye Crème. This product particularly impressed me as I am guilty of rarely getting more than three to four hours of sleep nightly. While I use a wonderful under-eye concealer and most people could never imagine the havoc beneath my carefully-concealed eyes, every morning and every evening I was greeted by tired-looking eyes that were taking on a darker hue. The product goes on smoothly and absorbs quickly, and within two weeks I saw a marked improvement—to the point that the concealer is no longer necessary.

The final step in the Striking Skin Care System is the Striking Restorative Moisture Crème. It spreads evenly and leaves my skin feeling moisturized throughout the day. This was particularly impressive for me as someone who is unaccustomed to cold winter weather and the drying effects of perpetual use of radiators and heaters to keep warm. Regardless of sitting on top of space heaters or hovering over radiators, my skin remains soft and well-hydrated from day to night. After using the product again before bed, I awaken to soft skin the next morning and at no point does my skin feel oily or waxy.

All in all I’d say that the Striking Skin Care System is an absolutely wonderful addition to any woman’s skin care arsenal and will likely replace several other products and thus simplify the bathroom cabinet as well as her skin care regimen.

For more information on Striking Skin Care’s line of products, visit them at www.strikingskincare.com.

Note: Neither participants nor ‘Women at Forty’ were paid or reimbursed for their reviews. Reviewers were allowed to keep the products tested.

Editors Note:

To get different points of view, we recruited two of Women at Forty’s contributors, Kim and Rachel, shipped them the Striking Skin Care System and asked them to give us their honest opinion – Love it or leave it?  Today, Kim shares her take on the product line, and on Thursday you’ll read Rachel’s point of view.

Kim’s Review

Crows feet and laugh lines are NOT something a woman looks forward to….so when I was offered the chance to test new skin care products called “Striking”, I jumped at the chance.They are made with the Smartpeptide technology which is supposed to target signs of aging to smooth fines lines and wrinkles while improving skin firmness.

I tested out the skin care line for approximately 15 days, applying once in the morning, and once at night.
Step 1 in the skin care regime is the “Multi-Vitamin Crème Cleanser”. This comes in an 8 fl oz bottle and is a milky white, lotion-like consistency. It is very gentle and does not produce a lather, but seems to clean and rinse away nicely. There is no odor to this product and it did not leave my skin feeling tight afterwards.

Step 2 is the “Multi-Peptide Serum” in a 1.13 oz pump bottle to be used right after cleansing. This is a gel like serum that you smooth over your face before the moisturizing products. I really liked this product…it was my favorite step because….as odd as this sounds, and I know it’s probably all in my head…but just the word ‘serum’ conjures up all kinds of magical potions and makes me think it will boost the effectiveness of the subsequent moisturizers used. Nevertheless…this is a very nice product to use – it is cool going on the skin and absorbs quickly. You are supposed to let it completely dry before applying the eye cream and moisturizer, so I would apply it, and by the time I brushed my teeth I would be ready for the next step.

Step 3 is the “Rejuvenating Eye Cream” in a .5 oz jar. I dabbed a little under and around my eyes as well as on my eyelids. I have to admit my eyes teared the first few times I used it….I’m not sure if I was putting it TOO close to my eyes, or if I just needed to get used to it. The product is of a thick white consistency, odorless, and absorbs quickly into the skin. I did notice that my eyelids seemed to tighten up a bit, which was very nice! I luckily don’t have too many lines or bags around my eyes so I didn’t really see a difference there.

Step 4 is the “Restorative Moisture Cream” in a 1 oz jar. This product is also of a thick white cream like consistency, and is odorless. It absorbs quickly and nicely into the skin without feeling like you slathered Crisco on your face. I don’t have too many facial lines yet (luckily and hopefully because I STAY OUT OF THE SUN!), but I do have fine laugh lines and I did notice I was getting one of those fine forehead lines. So, I made sure to target those areas with the cream, and I really do feel like my laugh lines diminished a bit as well as that pesky horizon line on my forehead, and I did feel an overall increase in the firmness of my skin.

Overall, I really did like the products and would recommend them to other women in their late 30s and up. The fact that all the products are colorless and odorless were a big plus in my book, and the diminishing of my laugh lines will only keep me laughing more!

You can learn more about Striking Skin Care by visiting them at www.strikingskincare.com.

Note: Neither participants nor ‘Women at Forty’ were paid or reimbursed for their reviews. Reviewers were allowed to keep the products tested.