Editor’s Note: Esther’s back reflecting on the blessings of her 30’s and choosing to feel positive, excited, and empowered about growing older.

Alas, these changes which tend to bum me out all too often are also paired with some wonderful blessings and gifts which totally eluded me in my 20’s:

• Material comfort- finally earning a decent living, owning a house and an office, being able to fix up our home and buy nice things, traveling regularly, and treating myself to the spa regularly. For the first time in my adult life, I don’t need to worry about money and paying the bills. This has been a dream come true after so many years of struggling to get by.
• A 12-year relationship with the man of my dreams- feeling totally committed, cozy, loved, lovable, and sharing my life with someone who totally gets me and who is truly my best friend.
• The stability to finally have pets! I have two loving and adorable Siberian cats that add so much joy and comfort to my daily round. (Photo credit: suvodeb)
  

• A fantastic career as a therapist- I run my own private practice in person and via phone and Skype all across Canada and have no one to answer to but myself. I set my own hours, fees, and manage to find balance between work, play, and rest.
• Coming into my own and feeling comfortable in my own skin- I’ve learned to settle into who I am and to befriend myself in a way I never could have dreamed of in my 20’s. I actually like and appreciate who I am and have stopped apologizing for perceived flaws (either in myself or through the eyes of others).

Even with all of these blessings, I am completely bewildered at how I could possibly be turning 40 on my next birthday and don’t exactly relish the thought. Ideally, I’d love to be able to magically mix my 20’s looks with my 30’s wisdom and stability and stay 30 forever, but as we all know, this is an impossibility (maybe not for long due to how advanced science is these days…)

So I guess my only choice is to proverbially ‘like it or lump it’…I choose liking it-okay, maybe I don’t exactly LIKE it, but I am choosing to feel positive, excited, and empowered about growing older. I guess it beats the alternative- being fearful, resentful, and living in regret or staying stuck by denying the entire aging process altogether. I definitely don’t want to become one of those women who do anything and everything in her power to stay youthful looking as long as is humanly possible. I definitely don’t find that empowering.

The fact is, we are all going to get older (that’s if we live long enough and are lucky enough), so we might as well have a positive attitude about it. To end, I’ll leave you with a list of some things I hope to enjoy in my 40’s- the next decade life will soon hand me:

• Continuing the amazingly rewarding and successful career I have and trying some new things like doing more video/television work, seeing more and more clients via Skype and telephone, speaking at conferences and doing more tours with my books.
• Enjoying more of the good life with my darling hubby- taking fun trips, more dance lessons, more barbecues on our back deck, and enjoying our dear friends.
• Richer and more satisfying friendships with other women- I have started to build these in my 30’s and look forward to nurturing and enriching these amazing bonds with my peers.
• More time with my family- traveling to exotic places together and enjoying family vacations/family time.
• Letting go of painful things, which happened in my past in other words-more therapy!
• Enjoying my hard-earned wisdom and passing it onto future generations of girls and women.
• Accepting my looks and body, as they are no matter what age I am.
• Enjoying more hobbies I love but don’t spend enough time doing like reading, knitting, mosaic-making, dancing, and doing hot yoga. Doing more writing and publishing.

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counselor, is the author of the book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies” (www.endyoureatingdisorder.com) and “Dump That Chump”(www.dumpthatchump.com), and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You”(www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counselor, to uplift and inspire women at: http://www.estherkane.com.

Editor’s Note: Esther Kane’s a counselor, published author and a friend of Women at Forty. She’s also a woman on the verge of turning 40 herself. In her piece, Dangling Over the Precipice of 40, Esther candidly shares her emotions about approaching 40. In part 1 she talks about not realizing the beauty of her 20’s, until her body began to change in her 30’s. I can relate to a lot of what Esther writes about as she dangles over the precipice of 40…

Although I’m not quite sure how it happened, I recently turned 39.  This came as a huge shock as I remember my 20’s so vividly- as if they were yesterday. It seems to me that once you hit 20, the process of ageing accelerates exponentially until you’ve barely gotten used to the decade you’re currently in and no sooner-whoosh! – It disappears in a flash of lightening and you’re propelled (or catapulted as it often feels) into the next decade kicking and screaming all the way. (Photo: Esther Kane)

There I was enjoying all the benefits bestowed upon us gals in our 20’s- gorgeous skin, great hair, enviable body, powering my way through the grind we call ‘higher education’, finding my soul mate, marrying him, moving in together, and buying our first home. I excitedly jumped into the workforce to pursue my dreams of becoming a therapist, only to be whacked over the head by a whole lot of grim reality (nasty boss, toxic work environments, little pay, long hours, and vicarious traumatization that many newbie therapists experience until we hit bottom and learn the delicate but life-saving art of self-care).

Did I appreciate how gorgeous and fabulous I was in my 20’s?  Unfortunately, the answer is an emphatic NO. I was never happy with my body, no matter how fit, flexible, or sexy it looked to others. I hadn’t yet realized how fleeting physical beauty really is and didn’t know that the really smart thing to do was to feel incredibly blessed and grateful for my youth and all of the gifts that come with it. I was too busy struggling in poverty while I worked my butt off in university to get the education I needed to live my dream of becoming a therapist. In all, it took 7 years of full-time studies and then a 2-year part time stint in family therapy school while I worked at meaningless, low-paying jobs to pay the rent.

So in retrospect, in my near-40’s wisdom, I realize that I may have had a rocking’ bod, great looks, and mucho sex appeal, but I was dirt poor living in damp, dark, miserable basement suites in Toronto and Vancouver and budgeting like crazy to make ends meet (which they sometimes did not and I had to beg family for money which felt terrible). And the exhaustion-it was sometimes overwhelming. So much studying, working, catching public transit to get all over the city, and crying in my bathtub at night from the stress and loneliness of it all…not fun.

Then 30 just happened to me one day while I was quietly minding my business and my 30’s have been a mix of blessings and disappointments. Among the disappointments, most have been physical signs of ageing which have all been new and somewhat traumatic at first including:

• Grey hairs- a word of advice- tweezing individual hairs eventually becomes a race no one wins- I’ve opted for hair dye
• Boobs drooping substantially- yes gals, it really does happen! Mine now resemble pancakes when viewed from the side.
• Body shape and size constantly changing- this includes new stuff where there didn’t used to be any in the form of extra fat (the biggest shock of all was discovering back fat- horror of horrors!) The term ’let it roll’ has come to have an entirely new meaning for me.
• The inability to lose that extra 5-10 pounds which mysteriously appears on my body as quickly as I used to be able to drop it.
• Looser skin around my eyes and lack of the ‘bounce back’ factor it used to have while applying eye makeup. I liken the skin around my eyes to a snail, which slowly slithers along and eventually reaches it’s destination.
• Lack of sex drive- you know you’re getting older when the idea of flannel PJ’s and a good book is more appealing than seducing the man who sleeps next to you (who is still very attractive BTW.)

But the 30’s weren’t all bad. On Wednesday Esther reflects on the 30’s that have also brought her wonderful blessings…

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Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of the book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies” (www.endyoureatingdisorder.com) and “Dump That Chump”(www.dumpthatchump.com), and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You”(www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counsellor, to uplift and inspire women at: http://www.estherkane.com.

• Weight gain that appears to take place just by LOOKING at fattening foods (I swear it’s true!)

• Gray hairs- at first manageable- all I had to do was use my trusty eyebrow tweezers and problem solved. Now, however, I risk going bald if I were to continue this practice.

• Breasts that have started to mimic the shape of pancakes and have definitely taken a downward turn (you know what I mean)

• Lines around my eyes and the skin surrounding my eyes staying in one place once I apply make-up for longer than I would like. It’s like watching a snail slowly migrate back into its shell once the cover-up is blended in.

• And horror of horrors-chin hairs!  No, I’m not kidding…and not the blond wispy things no one notices-these little buggers are thick and black and have the amazing ability to grow roughly half an inch overnight!

Add to this the countless stories I hear from clients and girlfriends about “getting work done” on their bodies. These range from groups of women, whom upon the dawn of their 50th birthday, get a face-lift, Botox injections in the face to reduce wrinkles, breast implants, to tummy tucks. I sit there trying to wipe the look of horror off of my face as I do my best to impart an attitude of empowerment and acceptance regardless of what choices women make in their lives.

I was at my local library the other day and glanced along the shelves and found a new book out by Joan Rivers, the Queen of plastic surgery, which is a “guidebook” to getting plastic surgery. It was titled, “Men are Stupid and they Like Big Boobs”. She is 75 years old and has had so much plastic surgery that she looks somewhat cartoon-like and anything but natural. She doesn’t even look like a younger version of herself- she looks strange and almost doll-like and scarily unreal.

Anyway, the book was co-written with some top cosmetic surgeons and boasts all of the “wonderful” advances available to women who want to change the way they look through plastic surgery. I particularly loved the part where she’s talking about one procedure and under “risks” she casually writes, “death”. Then without missing a beat, she’s onto describing the next “wonderful” procedure!

I don’t know about you, but I think DEATH is a pretty big risk!  It reminds me of the author who died a few years ago from liposuction – yikes. I don’t want to come off as being all fanatical and judgmental, because I truly believe that women are in charge of their bodies and it’s not my place to tell someone what to do with her body.

However, I do believe that the current obsession we have with looking younger (one writer calls the times we are living in, “age deceleration”- i.e., “forty is the new thirty” and so on) is a recent and ultimately, dangerous focus. Never before in human history have people been so terrified of getting old. It’s also true that we have never had such a long lifespan so perhaps this is a contributing factor as well.

My grandparents never considered plastic surgery and my 86-year-old grandmother is completely perplexed with this newfound obsession younger generations have with looking young for as long as they possibly can. I think that there are many factors at play here; most notably, the fear of death.

I know I’m terrified of dying and getting old. But I’m working through it. I want to be courageous enough to face getting older head-on without going under the knife or injecting poisonous substances in my body to appear younger. Honestly, I’m not looking forward to more gray hair, my body shape changing, and those lovely hairs on my chinny-chin-chin, but I’m going to do my best to ‘go natural’ and grow old gracefully. I am more than my body and so are you. Let’s all remember that this month.

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Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counselling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can learn more about Esther on her website www.estherkane.com.

This article was originally posted on www.estherkane.com. It is reposted with the author’s permission.

We see it the cliquey group of friends who brag about who they’re wearing and what they’re driving in the never ending effort to best their own circle of friends. It’s evident in discussions about relationships that sound like they’re being had by naive 16 year olds, not 40 year olds who’ve been around the block a few times. And it’s hinted at in conversations that center around who likes who and who’s not our friend anymore (insert pouted lip visual here.) Life, relationships and our own insecurities are difficult to navigate for sure, but at some point, it really is ok to grow up.

The idea of it being ok to grow up came up several weeks ago with the start of awards season. It was a comment made on a friend’s Facebook wall in response to Jennifer Lopez’s appearance at some awards show. The comment was something to the effect of “J, it’s ok to grow up,” no doubt in response to a barely there outfit and song lyrics that had many of us scratching our heads. And we were a little taken aback when even our beloved Halle Berry, who if any 40 year old body can do it successfully, she can, appeared on the Tonight Show, looking beautiful as usual, but in something that looked more like a mini-dominatrix outfit than a dress. She apparently was attempting to dispel pregnancy rumors. We believe you Halle.

We’re all for working it at 40. There’s something to be said about a woman confident enough to show her curves and strut her stuff on stage and otherwise. But at what age does it become ok to put our intelligence, wisdom and charm on display more than your …other assets? In a society where sex sells, at 40 aren’t we old enough to stop buying?

When we watch performers (male and female alike) desperately “copying” youthful trends, lyrics and clothing of today’s younger artists, we want to scream “You’ve been there, done that and did your thing in the process! The younger ones should be emulating you, you shouldn’t be clambering after them!” Alas, with a few exceptions, we don’t think they hear us.

Are we being too hard on them? What’s your take on growing up? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

Editor’s Note

Hello Fellow Women (Wait a second…aren’t “fellows” men? How do we feminize this word?), Well, hello to all of you anyway until we come up with a better alternative to “fellow”…

In this issue of my e-zine, I want to talk with you gals about that much-touted, not-so-easy to obtain, pop-psychology all-star concept; self-esteem. We all want to know:  What is it? How do I get me some of that?  How do I make it stay?

In this article, I’m going to attempt to begin addressing these questions to get you thinking, questioning, and hopefully, moving forward to answering them for yourself.

In terms of what self-esteem is, I have found a few definitions by doing a web-search for the term. Here they are:

• Feelings of self-worth stemming from the individual’s positive or negative beliefs about being valuable and capable
• a feeling of pride in yourself
• dignity: the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect

I’d say those are pretty good definitions and quite straightforward. If only it were as easy to HAVE self-esteem as it is to define it! I wish I could tell you that I was one of those women who treats low-self-esteem like a ridiculous practical joke and just laughs it away while I constantly feel fabulous, brilliant, beautiful, and at “the top of my game”, but I’d be lying and I am really bad at lying and the guilt obtained from lying would decrease my self-esteem further, which is something I don’t need at the moment.

Yes, I have moments of feeling like I can take on the world and dance around the kitchen singing “W-O-M-A-N” at the top of my lungs along with the CD, only to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror to observe that, “wow- don’t I look fabulous today?” Then I have a great day at work and really get it that I’m helping people to live better lives and I give myself the old pat on the back for a job well done…

Those are the good days…

On the bad days, I have what I call “low self-esteem attacks” wherein I temporarily forget who I am, what I do for the world, and what is good about me. And I know I’m not the only one because every day I hear stories from my clients about the exact same phenomenon. When I have positive self-esteem myself I look at these amazing women in front of my eyes who think they’re “nothing”, “stupid”, and “ugly” and I want to jump up out of my chair and scream, “Who told you these horrible lies about yourself?! None of it is true! You’re brilliant, magnificent, and fabulous and have so much to contribute to the world!”

But, being the ‘good therapist’, I wipe the horror off my face and do my best to appear emotionally neutral and help them come to their own conclusions; in their own time. And I know that as a woman, it’s useless to tell another woman over and over again just how great she is and why I admire her. While it’s great to be reminded in our low times, we also need to work on remembering how fabulous we really are all on our own and not become dependent on hearing it from other people so much of the time.

Why is this so hard for so many of us? I have seen lots of women out there who really are convincing when they say that they don’t care what other people think about them, but I’m not so sure they’re being totally honest. I mean, is there one woman out there who has NEVER given a damn about what someone thought of her? If there is, I want to meet her and get her recipe for high self-esteem!

To end this brief thinking-out-loud session about women and self-esteem, I’d like to leave you with some tips on how to boost your self-esteem when you’re having a “low self-esteem attack”:
· write down all the negative things you’re thinking about yourself on one side of a piece of paper, and on the other side, counter them with evidence to the contrary. For example, if you write, “I can’t present myself professionally in public”, you may counter it with, “Yes I can. I did a great job when I did the _______ presentation at work last week and people commented on how professional and organized I was.”

• Call a woman who is less prone to “low self-esteem attacks” (I always call my mother!) and ask her to remind you who you are because you’ve temporarily forgotten…then have a good laugh and ask her how she’s doing.
• When in the midst of a “L.S.E.A.”, seek upliftment (is that a word?) from strong, you-go-girl women who make you feel like you can do anything and take on the world. For example, you may have a favourite female singer who tells it like it is and makes you feel powerful. I don’t know about you, but every time I listen to Aretha Franklin belting out, “RESPECT” or “THINK”, my self-esteem rises considerably.
• And lastly, if all else fails, PRAY!!!!!!! Pray to who/whatever you believe in that has ‘higher power energy’ to help you let go of ‘playing small’ and to send you some reminders of your real self. Pray in earnest and then wait to be pleasantly surprised!

Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counselling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can learn more about Esther on her website www.estherkane.com.

This article was originally posted on www.estherkane.com. It is reposted with the authors permission.

The end of 2009 found me feeling happy and fulfilled in so many areas of my life. Life was good; strong and meaningful faith, great family and friends, wonderful man in my life, good health, steady paycheck…Aside from the recent hair color snafu, no complaints. But as I sipped on my eggnog and nibbled (okay, DEVOURED) that piece of velvet cake I had to rethink and retract one of the aforementioned blessings: good health. Thankfully, I am not currently in need of surgery, cancer treatment, anti-depressants or other daily medicine. But as I look in the mirror and wonder aloud, “WHO is this fat woman and WHY is she trying to squeeze herself into my clothes?” I am experiencing an epiphany—a moment of clarity. How healthy can I be if I’ve gained weight?

Never has it been more evident to me that gone are the days of eating anything I’d like and not seeing it deposited squarely on my thighs or tummy. I lovingly reminisce about the late night suppers with cocktails and dessert followed only a few hours later by breakfasts and brunches with friends over waffles, salmon croquettes, grits and mimosas. Yeah, I know it really is more about the people than the food, but honestly, I can better recall the hors d’oeuvres at most parties than the guests who attended.

I used to be so much more active. Living in a desert climate afforded me an easy opportunity to work out daily in optimal weather conditions. During most of the year I could walk, hike or run on sunny mornings, never giving much consideration to the weather. During the harsh summer months, I either arose before the sun or hit the pool instead. Either way, getting in my workout was easy. Now, Old Man Winter has me trapped inside with all of the cookies, cakes, pies and candy canes from the holidays. Each time I make up my mind to head to the gym or go for a brisk walk, Mr. Winter firmly reminds me exactly who has the upper hand in this relationship and sends me back inside to seek solace in a hot cup of cocoa and something warm and starchy.

It all boils down to mind over matter. I know how to prepare and eat nutritious, healthy and delicious foods; I have a gym membership—heck, I have a treadmill and a Bowflex at home! It is time to put my money where my mouth is, or really, put my willpower where my mouth is and my body where the fitness equipment is. Too many of us make this so much harder and more complicated than it needs to be. We all know how to lose weight, tone and sculpt—I know I do and have done it in the past. The problems are the excuses and the procrastination: “I’ll start after the holidays/Monday/the first.” “I feel a sniffle so I should wait until I’m feeling 100 percent.” “I need to trim the budget so I’ll have to cancel the gym membership.” There are excuses ad infinitum but really, none of them hold any merit.

So here I am, making the transition from fat to fit at almost forty years old. I wasn’t always heavy so I have an advantage—my body remembers being fit and wants to experience it again. The hard part will be countering the excuses, but I’ve planned ahead and am ready. My better half has moved things around so that my treadmill is easily accessible in the living room where I can walk while watching the big t.v. He has also promised not to bring naughty foods into my home and to cut down on the date night dinners out. When I tire of the treadmill, there are the workout videos, yoga ball and the gym for workouts. If I feel discouraged and feel like giving up on workouts, I have a Wii Fit as well as several games to make exercise fun.

There are no more valid excuses; there is no more time to waste. I’ll be turning forty in April and I am determined to look as fabulous as I feel before I say goodbye to my fortieth year! These extra pounds may have crept up on me over several months, but the next several months will be spent shedding the weight and re-embracing the good, healthy habits I’ve known for most of my life. I may be getting older, my metabolism may be slowing, but my will is strong and my mind is focused. Accountability is key, so under the watchful gaze of Grace and the readers of Women at Forty, I know I have to do my best. Everyone’s goals are different and thus all of our journeys will differ as well. Join Grace and me on the road to looking and feeling fit at forty! If you see (or read) us straying off course, leave us a comment and help us get back on track. We’ll do the same for you!