8 Reasons NOT to Contact His Mistress – Part 1

Editor’s Note:  I get book pitches and media inquiries on a daily basis. I usually just skim through them, not necessarily finding them relevant for this audience, but this headline right here, got me…

8 Reasons NOT to Contact His Mistress.

I’ve never been married but know the pain that being cheated on can cause. And while I have had my doubts about a few of the men in my past, I’ve never been the tire slashing, car keying, email/cell phone checking type. Ever.

But some women are. Even women in their 40s and beyond.

And then there are women who, some may argue justifiably, want closure and who feel the best way to get that is by reaching out to “the other woman.”

This guest post from Rick Reynolds, founder of AffairRecovery.com, is speaking directly to them.Read it, mull it over, then sound off. Do you agree, disagree? Have you ever confronted “The Other Woman?” Share your thoughts (anonymously if you prefer) in the comment section, on the Facebook page, or email your story to contribute (@) womenatforty (dot) com.

8 Reasons NOT to Contact His Mistress – Part 1

By Rick Reynolds, LCSW
President and Founder of AffairRecovery.com   

When cheated on, the devastation of betrayal can make you react in ways uncharacteristic of yourself. Obsessive behaviors take over and you can end up behaving in a way you never believed possible. This isn’t only for women either; this applies to men who have been cheated on as well. If you do happen to find out who the mistress or other person is, the open wound can cause you to act out via confrontation. So what’s the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the other person? Typically it’s to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain. We think somehow that course of action provides more benefits than the alternative. Rarely have I seen much benefit, and I’ve certainly witnessed a great deal of harm. Here are 8 reasons NOT to confront them.

  1. How much information do you really want? If you think you might be able to get more information from the affair partner, you’re right, but it might not be what you want. If you have been with your partner a long time, then you’ve probably already realized that you and your mate have different subjective realities. You can have vastly different recollections of any event. For that reason alone you can certainly gain a different perspective, or details about a specific event. But you’re not gaining anything worth-while, it’s hard enough to process the information from the perspective of your mate, why add to that?
  2. Affair partners can lie. It is interesting how often a hurting mate believes the affair partner will tell them the truth and sorrowfully see the error of their ways after they realize the pain they have caused. It is not uncommon for the affair partner to tell lies and manipulate the situation to get the upper hand.
  3. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. One of the most difficult pieces of an affair to discern is motive. Frequently, there is a compulsion to discover why this has happened. Don’t be mistaken and think the answer lies with the affair partner. In reality, the affair partner has created an illusion of what your mate’s reason for cheating is. So please don’t think the causes and motives thought by the affair partner match those of your mate.
  4. Vengeance doesn’t work.When you’re really hurting, it’s really tempting to think about making the other party experience the same pain that you’re going through. The only problem is this course of action only results in self-inflicted injuries. Don’t compromise your personal integrity by acting in ways you normally would never approve of. Injuring another will never bring the peace you seek and it will only lengthen the amount of time it’s going to take to recover.
Next Week, Part 2: 4 More Reasons Not to Contact The Mistress
Affair Recovery specializes in helping people heal after infidelity. After recovering from his own affair 25 years ago and helping 2,000+ other couples do the same, founder Rick Reynolds and his team have developed research-validated, groundbreaking online and in-person programs for redeeming the losses created by infidelity, betrayal, and sexual addiction. Take the free Affair Analyzeronline assessment, to learn more, visit www.AffairRecovery.com.
Editor’s Note: Inclusion of author’s links and website is not an endorsement of his products and/or services, nor necessarily reflects the views of womenatforty.com.