Editor’s Note: She’s wonderfully, happily, blissfully  (did I mention that she’s happy?) married now, but at one time guest blogger and fellow WAF Rachel, tried her hand at dating in the digital age. In this repost from 2009, Rachel shares her experiences, ever present humor and a couple of very important tips about navigating the dating scene in the digital age…

Technology is an amazing thing. It is common these days to log on and pay bills, complete research and even shop online. Shopping is especially popular and many websites allow you to custom order goods to your own exact specifications, contributing to our society’s demand for instant gratification. The internet is becoming an increasingly popular method for people to meet socially as well. From MySpace to Facebook and Match.com to Yahoo Personals, people are logging on and surfing in record numbers to find like-minded people with whom to connect and hopefully forge some sort of relationship.

It was with those same hopes that I joined eHarmony and answered a litany of questions surrounding myriad obscure scenarios in the quest to “meet my match.” After all, computers can search through thousands of flights and hotels in mere seconds when I am searching for travel options. While I haven’t actually studied this, I do believe that it is safe to say that despite being a single woman in the New York metropolitan area, I must be less complicated and complex than airline flight patterns, so how hard could it be for software to find my perfect match, n’est ce pas? So I took the plunge and began to excitedly await my “matches” each evening. I marveled at the mere thought of the cutting edge technology that would deliver to my mailbox dozens of suitable suitors who would be compatible with me on twenty-eight different levels! I quickly made a few key observations:

• People who do not post photos usually fail to do so for a reason. Sure, we would all like to say that we would prefer to remain anonymous “for professional reasons.” In my experience, gentlemen (term used very loosely) who do not share their photos usually refuse to do so because they are either extremely insecure about their looks, married or have outstanding warrants—sometimes it is a mélange rather than just one.
• Approach any posted photos as you would a “Where’s Waldo” puzzle, pay attention to detail. If you notice a “New Edition” poster in the background or lime green shag carpet on the floor (despite the person’s attempt to obscure the background), you can safely assume that it is an older photo and is not representative of your potential mate’s current appearance.

Another key observation is regarding the introductory information provided. This information is provided directly by your “match” and can be very telling. If the introductory information contains graphic verbiage regarding sex, understand that sex is a main objective and is of some importance to that person. This one is particularly amusing to me because I took the position that eHarmony would appeal more to people who were concerned most with emotional and intellectual compatibility. I’m not sure, but I believe that Adult Friend Finder would likely be less expensive than eHarmony, so I’m not terribly clear on the overtly sexual folks on the latter.

One more tidbit of a tip for the lovelorn, it seems that many people begin the eHarmony profile process but do not follow through and finish it. Commercials mentioning a “free online profile” came to mind when I would click on a person’s information to find such gems as “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” or “xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx” as hobbies, interests and occupations. Methinks that eHarmony is well aware of this though; one of their choices for why you decided to close a match is “This match never responded to my request to communicate.” eHarmony makes no effort to tell you when last this person was active on his profile or that it is in fact still active.

The entire process can also become a bit daunting as it can sometimes seem like a part-time job. You have to make the time to peruse your matches and delete the definite dead weight regularly or you will find yourself with hundreds of matches and after clicking on the first several less-than-stellar candidates wanting to just delete the entire lot of them. Sadly, there is no easy way to do this (Lord knows I have tried) so you have to click on each match individually and choose a reason for closing the match. I also wish that they would update the choices to reflect reasons that would better capture my feelings such as “A neck is not optional” or “Because I am simply not that desperate.”

In the end, after hours and hours of sifting through profiles in my online manhunt, I gave up. More than a year of membership had yielded over 2700 potential matches and of those 2700, I actually spoke with seven people via telephone and met four men in person. It turned out that I had a few common acquaintances with one of them, so we have remained in touch from time to time, but other than that, I would have to say that I was less than pleased with the entire experience.

Ironically, I did meet a wonderful man, but not online. An older but more accurate technology is to be credited with that. An acquaintance who happens to be a pastor had told me on more than one occasion that she had a nice gentleman she wanted me to meet. After declining the offer more than once, I finally decided that I had nothing to lose and if nothing else I might make a new friend or gain new material for a blog entry. Instead, I met him for lunch (which lasted almost three hours) and then promptly said to one of my girlfriends, “I just met my husband.” Thankfully, he felt the same way and we are both ecstatically happy. It would seem that all of the technology in the world is no match for a caring person who takes the time and initiative to introduce two people she considers to be compatible and equally yoked. It also helps when that person is a pastor and has put in a good word for you with the man upstairs.

Rachel Dachel is a freelance writer and editor, and the creator and author of the blog Rachel-y Motivated Incidents.

Editor’s Note: One of my favorite past posts – your comments on dating, sexiness and motherhood…

We’ve rounded up a few of the comments from the website and Facebook, and here’s what women at forty are saying, and asking, about dating, sexiness and motherhood…

On dating:

OK, so is there a thin line between just friends and dating line at 40? Did it move from when we were in our 20s or 30s? There is this older guy who I enjoy spending time with – dinner, movies, chatting on the phone, etc. He insists that we’re not dating, but he won’t let 24 hours go by without “checking” in. Before you even ask, yes he’s the only guy that I’m spending time with (other guy friends don’t get 10% face time – mostly chat/email or cell buddies) and he says that he could never handle more than one female friend at a time. So back to what started this – just what crosses the line between just friends and dating?

On what’s sexy:

Sexy is knowing what to wear that compliments your best features – the tailoring of the suit/swagger of the sport attire, the style of the shoe, the line of the haircut, the moisturizer to use on the skin and the scent to top it off. All this speaks to knowing yourself and what you have to offer…. without spending more time in the mirror than me!

On motherhood – Does the bell toll for me:

I am nearing forty..within a few years. I’m one week away from divorcing my husband.. and we never had kids. For the 8 years we were married I wanted kids only about 10% of the time. I think it was the person I was married to. Something was just not right. After I separated from my husband I met a wonderful older man who was already a father to two grown boys and wow, he not only set off my biological clock, it went off like a TIME BOMB. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last and I am alone again. The decision to have children or not has not been an easy one for me. In my very early twenties before I was married I became pregnant out of wedlock and had an abortion. I think about that a lot now, to be truthful. There is a lot of sadness that comes to me at times when I see a pregnant woman – I often wonder what it is like. Then I hear the stories of the midnight feedings, diaper changes gone wrong, exploding poo, and spitup and I think, hmm. I am not sure I can do that. I believe that the path of my life is slowly being revealed to me page by page. Hopefully one day I will be able to face the uncertainty and make a decision. Until then I am enjoying being able to do what I want, when I want. My hope is that a wonderful man will enter my life, we will fall in love, and perhaps, have a family.

Share your thoughts on motherhood, what is and isn’t sexy, and dating in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

As someone who’s known plenty of black men who look and act nothing like the men portrayed in this piece, I’ve been able to take it for what it is, an oversimplified swipe at a targeted group of men who aren’t handling their business, at the benefit of another group of men who aren’t always (as the article would suggest) handling theirs either. Who’s left out in the missive are the drones of women who continue to allow the men in their lives to mistreat them, perpetuating a kind of “if she won’t, I’ll find another who will” mentality, leaving those of us who refuse to put up with bulls**t single for the long-haul.

Side note to the article’s writer: I’ve had the pleasure of working with and befriending women of all nationalities, ethnic groups, and races, believe me, I’ve heard the same sweeping generalizations made about men of all races and nationalities.So let’s all agree that the article is full of broad stereotypes and that women are ultimately responsible for the men they choose in their lives, and get down to the subject that really interests me – why some women seem to be so wary of dating outside of their race/ethnic group. While interracial marriage represents only about 7% of the marriages in the U.S., men don’t seem to have quite as many issues when it comes to “crossing the divide.” In fact, 73% of all African American/White interracial marriages are between black men and white women and in Asian/White marriages, it’s three times more likely that the husband is white.

Familiarity, cultural similarities and physical attraction are at the root of why many women decide not to date or marry outside of their race, but as we enter our 40s and 50s desiring to be in fulfilling relationships, should race and ethnicity continue to play such an important role? Why do men seem to find it easier to date outside of their race? And, would you ever consider dating someone of another race?

Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page. If you’d like to remain anonymous, email your views to contribute@womenatforty.com.

Interracial dating stats from: Love to Know

Looking back over my numerous lists I can’t help but laugh at some of the qualities I thought were essential when I was younger. One particularly embarrassing desire I held was to have a man who could sing and play football. Not necessarily at the professional level (because that would be ridiculous) but I imagine I must have thought that the combination of singing and football would somehow get me out of a major life jam sometime in the future. I even found an entry about my dream man having long eyelashes – because you know, that’s the telltale sign of a good man.

When I was going through my Maxwell phase I needed a man with big, wild, out-of-this-world hair. And after a waiter sent shivers down my spine at a restaurant in New York, I was determined to find someone who made me feel the same way every single day of my life. I’ve yet to find either. Then there was the 6’2” or taller height requirement, the great dresser requirement and let’s not forget the “corporate type” requirement. That was until I realized that most men who were always in a suit and tie were always working and/or were not necessarily that handy around the house.

Thank God for growing up. As I grew up I also grew out of some of the things I once thought were so important. But what’s been as interesting as what’s dropped off my list is what’s remained. I’ve always wanted someone who shared the same core spiritual beliefs as I do and I’ve also always wanted someone who was kind and giving, gentle and understanding. But I also now understand that a man who listens, really listens, is essential to any strong relationship.

What matters today and what’s always mattered most is character. The body that character is housed in doesn’t have to be a 6’2”, singing football player with unbelievably long eyelashes. In fact, I’d be nervous if it was. What’s important is that we see eye to eye on the things that matter the most in life. Well, that and he’s got to have a neck. I’ve come a long way, and so has my list, but I’m not willing to compromise on the neck thing.

What’s on your list? Share yours in our comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

So what makes the elusive one so elusive – is it a numbers game? There’s no shortage of statistics that tell us the ratio of single women to men – remember the line from the now infamous Newsweek article – a  ‘40-year-old single woman was “more likely to be killed by a terrorist” than to ever marry (Newsweek later apologized for the ridiculous line.) Are we being unrealistic – do we want something, someone who just doesn’t exist? Or have we limited our own chances of meeting someone great because we’re firmly entrenched in our comfort zones and nothing short of a miracle is going to budge us.

20 years after that Newsweek article we live in a society where many single women are perfectly happy – maybe even happier – being confirmed bachelorettes. For many, being unmarried and/or single at 40 doesn’t carry the stigma it once did. And so now, the search for Mr. Right is about finding a soul companion and not about feeling the need to be married because they’re a certain age. For these women, whether the search is like the hunt for red October, or whether it takes a more laid back approach, the desire still exists to find “the one” – which brings us back to those darn lists.

At 20, the list was easy. He was gorgeous, tall, rich – but humble about it, nice – but not a pushover, sweet, kissed babies, loved his mama, had no kids, remembered birthdays, etc…and was gorgeous. And did I mention he was gorgeous? But as we get older, and hopefully wiser, the list changes a bit. We still want someone we’re physically attracted to, but what we find attractive at 40 is probably a little different than at 20 (remember high top fades?) For some of us, gone are the height requirements, the status symbols and the career requirements. We learn that men who are great fathers make some of the best boyfriends. And we now know for sure that who he is, is far more important than what he does, wears or drives. We still want the things on our list, but the list is shorter, has been tested by time, and the qualities that remain are essential.

On our search for  “the one” some of us have ventured out of our comfort zones by dating men we never imagined we would. But many of us, although wanting companionship, stay “safely” within the boundaries we’ve erected for ourselves. We’ve got a long list of the men we won’t date – men who are younger, older, fall outside of our ethnicity or race, political beliefs, denomination… and the list goes on and on.  No one’s suggesting we compromise our core beliefs for anyone, and certainly not for “the one”, but are our own fears and preconceived notions holding us back? Are we making “the one” even more elusive than he has to be? (Image: sunshinecity)

This week we want to hear your thoughts on “the one” and that infamous list. Have you ever made a list, and how do you feel about the whole list thing anyway? Are you still waiting for the one or have you found him? And are you willing to venture outside of your comfort zone to find him? Join the conversation by sharing your thoughts in the comment section, on our Facebook fan page or emailing us at contribute@womenatforty.com.

A few days ago I was having a conversation with a couple of the people on WAF’s virtual panel. We were talking about having our own businesses and planning for success, but having to adopt alternatives, or back-up plans, for those times when business was slow. One of the women in the group suggested that instead of viewing alternatives as back-up plans to be instituted as last ditch efforts in the face of impending failure, we should view them as one of multiple streams of income. That is, we should see freelancing, taking on contract work etc. as alternate streams of income that should be just as valued and respected as any other. I thought that was sound advice and as I was watching “The Back-up Plan” the movie, I thought that Zoe and many of us could use a re-imagining of our own real life back-up plans.

You know the old saying “we make our plans and God laughs”? If you’ve been around for 40 years you know there’s truth in that old saying. Sometimes even the best laid plans work out very differently than we imagined.  Since that’s the case, maybe it might be a good idea to approach our lives with the same multiple stream philosophy my friend suggested.  What if we didn’t insist that there was one outcome that would result in ultimate happiness and everything else would be a distant second, third, fourth and so on? What if instead we embraced the idea of multiple streams of happiness? Maybe we wanted the marriage, kids and picket fence, but it hasn’t happened. Instead of looking at the alternative as a step down, or a life less desired, what if we really valued and respected “alternative” streams of happiness regardless of the source?

There are pros and cons to every choice we make and for every outcome of  our life’s plan. The bottom line is, if we approach our “back-up plan” as though it’s less than – then in our minds that’s what it will always be.  One of my favorite  quotes is by Joseph Campbell and it says, “we must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” The life that’s waiting for us doesn’t always fit neatly into our plans and our timing, and maybe it’s a good thing it doesn’t.

Join the conversation this week as we discuss back-up plans, single motherhood, the elusive “one” and more.

What are your thoughts on back-up plans? Do/did you have one, and have you had to use it? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

A couple of weeks ago I had the pleasure of interviewing Jo. Jo lives in England and is a woman in her late 30’s married to a younger man, and she does NOT want to be labeled a cougar. Throughout her life Jo had always been drawn to younger men, and in 2005 she met a man – 10 years her junior – and within a year, they were married.  Here’s what she has to say about marriage, marriage to a younger man, and why she hates the term ‘Cougar’.

On why she decided to marry, and why this man:

“I met him in my mid thirties, long after the majority of my friends had settled down with their same-age partners. Before that, I hadn’t been prepared to settle down. In some ways, I felt that doing so would compromise my own identity. When I met my husband-to-be, he was a breath of fresh air. There were no expectations on me to behave and act a particular way, and no notions of what a ‘wife’ should be, which I suspect an older man may have had. We both wanted a committed relationship, but we both also wanted fun in our life together, and our life has been just that.”

On finding compatibility in marriage:

“Finding the right man to spend your life with is a matter of compatibility. Some women are going to be more compatible with guys their own age or older, while others are going to have a lifestyle and outlook that is more compatible with a younger guy. At this age, we surely know ourselves well enough to make that decision and go find the right guy based on that self-knowledge.”

The ups and downs of being with a younger man:

“Well, he looks fantastic, and his energy and enthusiasm are contagious. But of course, dating a younger guy isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s very difficult not to step in when we see them making a mistake we made ourselves when we were their age. But just because they are younger doesn’t mean they are not an equal partner in the relationship – and as such, they need to grow and learn for themselves, and sometimes that means making their own mistakes. It’s important to not lose sight of that. They chose us as a partner, not as a mother – and it’s important for any relationship to respect our partner on equal terms. Also, younger men tend not to be as further along in their careers. That can result in a financial inequity that, as it would in other marriages, cause a certain degree of conflict.”

On the term ‘Cougar’:

“Regarding the ‘cougar’ term, I really dislike it. Who wants to be defined by the age of the man she dates? Aren’t we all grown up enough to be beyond that? It’s predatory and insinuates that women are out to merely play around with these guys, when the reality is that more and more of us are actually choosing a younger guy as a life partner. I hate the assumption that just because my husband is younger than I am that I somehow coerced him into being with me, or that I finance his lifestyle, when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.”

On why she launched her website, Beyond Cougar:

In 2010, seeing the media hype surrounding older women with younger men, Jo decided it was time to put fingers to keyboard, and get writing! There was plenty of ‘cougar-esque’ material out there, aimed at women who were looking to empower themselves and their lives. However, very few women who were actually with younger men were joining in the conversation. So, in January 2010, Jo founded Beyond Cougar, where she shares her thoughts on the realities of relationships with younger men. Beyond Cougar is also focused on breaking down the existing cougar stereotype – after all, what modern woman wishes to be defined, purely on the age of the man they choose to date?

Jo is a marketing professional who also holds an MA in Creative Writing from Kingston University, London. You can read her thoughts on all things “Beyond Cougar” on her website, http://beyondcougar.wordpress.com.

Share your thoughts on the whole Cougar craze, Jo’s interview and whether you find the term Cougar derogatory or not, in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

Editor’s Note: Thus begins one of the most heartfelt comments we’ve ever received on the site. It was made in response to our Relationship 2.0: Love, fear and everything in between post, and it struck a chord with us as I’m sure it will with you. The reader, who signed the comment “Too ashamed to give a name” has been unlucky in love and is now at the point of giving up. Her self esteem is low and rather than looking forward to turning 40, she’s dreading the fine lines and grey hairs that she feels will make her unattractive. I asked her permission to run her comment as a feature story in the hopes that other women who’ve been in her shoes and have felt some of the things she’s feeling can provide some words of wisdom that can help her begin to see herself, turning 40 and relationships in a whole new light…

I will be 40 in a few weeks and I’ve never been in a real relationship. I’ve tried all the things in this post. As soon as I got a real job & moved out of my small town I logged onto all the dating sites (they were free back then) and over a 2-year period met face-to-face with more than 20 men. I only saw 2 of them after that initial first date. I did not become romantically involved with either of them, and I am no longer in contact with either of them. And yes, I have “asked him out”. On multiple occasions. I’ve discovered that asking men out is the quickest way to make them disappear from my life.

No one would go near me in high school because I was a nerd. There was one boy that I liked for a long time. He was nice to my face, then when my back was turned he would tell our classmates that he hated my guts. In college I dated an emotionally abusive jerk for 5 months. 10 years later I hooked up with a co-worker after we’d spent 6 months flirting with each other. We were working late in the office and to make a long story short we ended up kissing. To make another long story short I ended up at his place where we did some X-rated fooling around. After he got off I thought he’d be a gentleman and return the favor. He just shrugged and said that he always needed to sleep after orgasm, then proceeded to kick me out of his apartment. At 3am. He didn’t want very much to do with me after that. A few months later I got another job and moved away and I haven’t heard from him since. This occurred 10 years ago, and there’s been nothing and no one since.

There’s an article on this site that says it’s possible to maintain passion at 40, it’s just harder. I’ve never even had a chance to let it start! And that makes me so profoundly sad. Jodee Blanco says that the hardest part of being an outcast isn’t the love and warmth you don’t receive, it’s the love and warmth you’re not able to give. It just builds up inside you and backs up like sewer rot. She’s dead right. And now that I’m getting old it just crushes me inside to think that no man will ever want me. I’ve never been very attractive–I’m not hideous, I’m just not someone that would make a man sit up and take notice when she walks in a room. And now that I’m getting old I’ll be less and less attractive, and whatever chance I ever had of finding someone is evaporating right in front of my eyes every time I look in the mirror and see the fine lines and the hair that’s just starting to turn gray.

I wish I could just give up and accept the fact that no man is ever going to want me. But love and sex and romance and all that stuff just seems like such an important part of life, and whenever I consider the ever-more-real possibility that I may never experience it, it just makes me cry. Why did God make me so horrible? I used to think that the reason I was alone was because God was saving me for a very special person. But now I’m thinking that it’s just never going to happen. And I feel like I’ve been screwed out of one of the most fundamental reasons for wanting to be alive.

I always thought that if I just had one chance to be with someone special I would be the best girlfriend ever, that I would love this man with my heart and soul. I’d be his friend, his lover, his confidant, his partner, whatever he needed, as long as he loved me back. But I now realize that this is a fairy tale. And fairy tales never come true, do they?

I’m sure many of you have felt similar emotions throughout your lives – unloved, unattractive, unwanted, but how did you climb out of that and start rewriting your story? And can fairy tales ever come true? Share your thoughts in the comment section and on our Facebook fan page.

On dating:

OK, so is there a thin line between just friends and dating line at 40? Did it move from when we were in our 20s or 30s? There is this older guy who I enjoy spending time with – dinner, movies, chatting on the phone, etc. He insists that we’re not dating, but he won’t let 24 hours go by without “checking” in. Before you even ask, yes he’s the only guy that I’m spending time with (other guy friends don’t get 10% face time – mostly chat/email or cell buddies) and he says that he could never handle more than one female friend at a time. So back to what started this – just what crosses the line between just friends and dating?

On what’s sexy:

Sexy is knowing what to wear that compliments your best features – the tailoring of the suit/swagger of the sport attire, the style of the shoe, the line of the haircut, the moisturizer to use on the skin and the scent to top it off. All this speaks to knowing yourself and what you have to offer…. without spending more time in the mirror than me!

On motherhood – Does the bell toll for me:

I am nearing forty..within a few years. I’m one week away from divorcing my husband.. and we never had kids. For the 8 years we were married I wanted kids only about 10% of the time. I think it was the person I was married to. Something was just not right. After I separated from my husband I met a wonderful older man who was already a father to two grown boys and wow, he not only set off my biological clock, it went off like a TIME BOMB. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last and I am alone again. The decision to have children or not has not been an easy one for me. In my very early twenties before I was married I became pregnant out of wedlock and had an abortion. I think about that a lot now, to be truthful. There is a lot of sadness that comes to me at times when I see a pregnant woman – I often wonder what it is like. Then I hear the stories of the midnight feedings, diaper changes gone wrong, exploding poo, and spitup and I think, hmm. I am not sure I can do that. I believe that the path of my life is slowly being revealed to me page by page. Hopefully one day I will be able to face the uncertainty and make a decision. Until then I am enjoying being able to do what I want, when I want. My hope is that a wonderful man will enter my life, we will fall in love, and perhaps, have a family.

Share your thoughts on motherhood, what is and isn’t sexy, and dating in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

We’re assuming here that by being alone, most were talking about being single – as in without husbands, mates or significant others.  And if that’s the case, the question then becomes, if we fear being alone, are we doing everything in our power to make sure that’s not how we end up?

It’s interesting that while many of us fear being alone, finding companionship is one of the areas of our lives where we’re the most passive. In almost every other area of our lives, we intentionally go about getting the things we need and want.

When we’re out of work, we pound the pavement looking for a job or return to school to get a degree. We take out loans and go into debt for our homes, cars and businesses. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for our children, and don’t let us see a pair of shoes we just have to have – we’ll move heaven and earth to get them. But when it comes to love and relationships, we’re often afraid to put anything, much less everything, on the line.  It’s companionship we seek, and being without it is what we fear, but we won’t go out and find it. We won’t try Eharmony or Match.com, we won’t go out on blind dates and we won’t ask him out.

It’s ironic that we’re afraid to take the risks we sometimes have to take to end up in the kind of relationships we long for. It’s no coincidence that fear of rejection was a close third to fear of being alone. In fact, for some, fear of rejection is the number one contributing factor to being alone. And no one is suggesting that you approach every guy you find mildly attractive and sign up for every internet dating service in existence, but if being alone is what you fear, there’s got to be a happy medium. Somewhere between selling yourself out to the lowest bidder and hiding within the walls of your own home, lies a place that will bring you closer to the kind of relationship you desire. Between love and fear is life. And if you want things to start happening, you’ve got to start living yours.

What’s the scariest part of being alone? And if you’re afraid of being alone, what are you doing – or not doing – about it? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.