Editor’s Note:

Tomorrow I am leaving my fortieth year. It seemed like just yesterday I was writing about turning forty in a blog entry (Turning Forty) and how significant that event was to me. It was a great birthday accompanied by a super fantastic surprise party with my family and friends. My impending birthday tomorrow has left me reflecting on the past year. One of the things I wrote about in the Turning Forty essay was about how birthdays are a way to celebrate our lives and how they are also a chance to say “Yes, I have gotten here.”

In many ways, I have not quite ended up where I thought I would be by the time I turned forty-one. I had anticipated that the past year would lead to a significant improvement in my health as well as a return to the work force as a registered nurse. I had plans for having one of my essays published in print. I wanted to lose a ton of weight. Like I stated in the previous essay: Ahh, the best laid plans. Maybe that is why we shouldn’t make so many of them, right?

My autoimmune illness got worse rather than better. I was diagnosed with two life threatening illnesses within a span of ten days earlier this year, both of which I have recovered fully from. At least physically. The threat of what “could have happened” still lingers in my memory. I know, I really need to get over that. Although both illnesses were not lifestyle related, I hit rock bottom with the exhaustion of dealing with illness and being sick all the time. I found a way to cope with that. I took more control over my body and health by changing several aspects of my lifestyle including changing my diet, getting exercise, and reducing stress. I made a big commitment to being a healthier person.

I lost a lot of connections with some friends over this past year for a variety of reasons. I made a few new ones. In the process of both, I learned the value of quality over quantity and the importance of selecting my friends with care. As I continue to get older, I become more astutely aware of the significance that these relationships have for me and that sometimes these relationships are ever changing, just like the rest of the world is so much of the time.

In my fortieth year, I took a few risks. One of those was committing to marry the love of my life, A bold move for me because it has meant placing my complete trust in a partner. And finding out that when you are with the right partner, that trust will not be broken. I have learned over my past year with him about what it takes for a relationship to survive the darkest of hours in order to be able to travel the same path together for a lifetime.

Although when I turned forty, I felt like I had already learned the importance of living each day like it was a privilege, this past year has taught me the importance of prioritizing each of those days:

That cleaning the bathroom is not as important as spending time on the phone with a loved one.

That washing the dishes in the sink is not as important as hanging out with my fiance.

That returning emails is not as important as getting my work out done.

Although my birthday tomorrow will be much more low key than when I turned the big 4-0, I am looking forward to it. I have much to celebrate and be thankful for. The most important thing I have to celebrate and be thankful for is the fact that I get to keep going on this crazy journey which is otherwise known as my life. I am still alive. I get to experience more joy, more hugs, more tears, and more laughs. Tomorrow I get to sit back and say once again, “Yes, I have gotten here.” And like last year, I once again have the opportunity to realize even more of my hopes and dreams in the next year of my life.

I really could not ask for more.

Christine Molloy is a writer and registered nurse who lives in Western Massachusetts. She is the author of the blog Thoughts and ramblings on life, love, and health.You can find the original blog post here.

I’ve been journaling since I can remember. I have years worth of cute little journals dating back from when all I longed for was for so-and-so to do such-and-such or my heart would shatter. As I got older the heartfelt pining  evolved into writing about my faith, the world around me, gratitude – you name it. The one constant? Writing about my weight – how much I weighed. How much I didn’t weigh. How much weight I would lose this week and the week after that. When I got computer savvy I even started including charts and graphs detailing goal weight vs. actual weight, calories, carbs, proteins… I may have even included some algorithms and theorems. No.

All of this plotting, planning and predicting served to place the emphasis on the numbers on the scale and not what I was putting into my body. Ironically (or not) the time in my life when I was at my healthiest – when I was taking Karate classes (yes, I am, in fact, a yellow belt), playing tennis a couple of times a week, going out bowling with friends and eating a mainly vegetarian diet, I didn’t own a scale. I had no idea how much I weighed, and I couldn’t have cared less.  I also couldn’t have been happier. I miss being in that place. My mind misses that place, and so does my body.

So, why do otherwise intelligent women beat themselves up about that number? Why do we abuse ourselves mentally (and sometimes physically) in a manner we wouldn’t allow anyone else to treat us? Is it about health? For many of us yes, but it goes beyond a quest for health for many others and borders on the edge of self-acceptance and self-worth.

As I was reviewing the draft of this post I came across this post from a blogger I follow. It talks about the vicious cycle of daily weighing and why we shouldn’t do it. I couldn’t agree more. Yet, I still find myself wanting to check the scale more mornings than not.

What’s your relationship with your scale? Is it different now than it was when you were younger? Please share your thoughts in the comment section or on the Facebook page.

Back when kids still played in the street, my sisters, cousins and I spent hours racing down to the end of that dead-end. In my memory, I was fast. Really fast. I would also say I won all the races. And while my memory of my win/loss record is sure to be called into question, (see I’d forgotten about that for more on my awful memory), one thing I do know for sure is that I loved the way I felt when I was running.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t confident enough at the time to transform that love into joining the track team or even taking running up as a hobby.

Fast forward 25 plus years and I still love the feeling of running.

When I imagine doing it.

In my mind.

Because when I’ve actually tried to do it, the feeling I get is not the same as the one I got years ago.

Running down that dead end street as a kid I felt fast, carefree and like I could run like that forever.

Now when I run I feel…my right hip, my left knee and the chafing of my construction grade sports bra against my back. *Sighs*

A younger cousin ran for a while and wrote about the hip pain she felt that led her to give up running. I now understand. And the truth is, no matter how much I want to run, me, on all fours (crying) on the corner of “bless her heart” and “she just wouldn’t listen” is not a good look. And not good to look at.  And hollering at the local hotties while sweating in the fetal position on the sidewalk is no way to meet a man.  Not one with teeth anyway. Trust me.

This is not to say that women runners in their 40s and beyond aren’t tearing it up on the side streets of America. I know they are – the bright light of their fitness glory blinds me each and every time they whiz by me on my WALKS. Kudos to them and those aerodynamic baby pusher things that have them navigating through the streets of Oakhurst like they’re training for decathlons.

As for me, I’ll keep watching the runners enviably from the sidelines. In the meantime I’ve got my walking and I’ve found a new workout muse – Michael Jackson The Experience. Michael Jackson and I have been tearing it up on my Wii.  If enough of you ask I’ll even video a session so you can get a good ab workout from laughing with me while you watch. No, not really.  Image: Not me running – Source:Flickr: Emanuel Leanza “Eleanza”

What’s your fit-at-forty story? Share in the comment section or on our Facebook page.

For weeks now I’ve been seriously rethinking this obsession I have with food and my weight. Specifically it’s occurred to me that for almost all of the past decade, my obsession with controlling (unsuccessfully I might add) what I eat and don’t eat has centered primarily on weight loss. This focus on weight and not on health has caused me to become unhealthier. Yo-yo dieting, pre-packaged diet meals, low carb, low fat, sugarless…you get the idea. My quest to lose weight devolved into me eating man made substitutes for food and came at the expense of eating food the way it was intended to be eaten.

It’s time for a change, a real change – an “I’m about to turn forty so I’ve got to start taking this seriously” change. I’ve been heading in this direction for years now, but eating for health was far down on the list, somewhere behind carb and calorie counting and fat monitoring. And while I’ve never been a lover of junk food and have always preferred fresh fruits and vegetables over sugary desserts – when it comes to food, the choices I make every day are made unconsciously, out of habit, and with very little regard to health and where my food is coming from.

In a nutshell (pun intended), clean eating is consuming food in its most natural state or as close to it as possible. It means eliminating as much processed foods from your diet as possible, and it means being conscious of the source of your food and the impact its production has on the environment. Militaristic clean eaters might have an issue with my definition, but that’s the definition that sums it up for me.  The Gracious Pantry has a great resource page about clean eating that you can access here. The turning point for me came when I watched the documentary Food, Inc. I’d absolutely recommend it to anyone curious about the source of their food – you will not be the same after watching it.

A year after test-driving my clean eating experiment I can say that I’ve adopted clean eating as a way of life.  A way of life differs from a diet in that it’s not something you ever “get off of.” So, on the (now increasingly rare) occasions that I don’t eat clean I, 1) enjoy it a lot less and 2) don’t belittle myself or consider it a diet catastrophe.  It’s not just a healthier way to eat, it’s a healthier way to think. Really, it’s a return to to the way my parents and grandparents used to cook and eat, before advertising and big business began convincing people that they had it all wrong.

Although I haven’t stuck to the $25 budget, I have been more conscientious about how much I purchase and what I’m paying for things, and in the long run that’s helped my overall budget.

So, what’s left is the weight loss. The good news is, the number on the scale is lower. The bad news is, not by much. As a child and teen I struggled with compulsive and emotional eating, and as a 41 year old woman I still do.  Like any habit/compulsion/addiction, it’s been a hard one to shake. But Rome wasn’t built in a day, nor apparently 41 years. Thankfully, I am a work in progress, not regress, and as long as I’m able, I’ll approach each day with the determination to become a healthier version of the person I was the day before. Anyone care to join me?

Grace

What would you be doing? If you know anything about me you know that I love reading and writing just about anything I can get my hands on. I can spend days doing (almost) just those two things. If I could read and write for a living that’s exactly what I’d be doing right now. The truth is, reading and writing is what I spend most of my time doing, it’s just that I’m not always reading and writing the kinds of things I want to, and the making a living part has been hard to come by. In my dream world I’d be editing or writing an article/post/book while (and this is where the ‘Where would you be doing it?’ question comes into play) sitting in a cafe somewhere in Italy. Or I’d be writing about my experiences while visiting South Africa or France or *closes eyes and picks a place on a map*, on the plane ride home. But here’s the thing, at the core of all of these dreams is a vision of myself walking for hours through the streets of a town I’m visiting for the first time, running through airports catching last minute flights and curled up sleeping blissfully (or fitfully) during a 14-hour flight. It’s a vision of a version of myself that doesn’t exist today. I have got to become a healthier me to even begin to wrap my mind around doing many of the things I want to do, the way I want to do them.

In response to those of you who say, “you don’t have to be a certain weight, size, (fill in the blank) to do (fill in the blank)” I say you’re right – for the most part. Being a smaller, healthier version of myself won’t make all my dreams reality, but it will facilitate some of them coming true. Does it mean that I won’t pursue these things until/unless I hit some magic number on the scale or size in a pair of jeans? No. The truth is, there is no magic number or pair of jeans. There is just the dream of walking and exploring for hours without feeling like I’m melting like butter on a hot pan. It’s the dream of me sitting comfortably on a plane without feeling like I’ve got to baste myself to slide into the seat. I get winded just thinking about it.

If I’m being honest with myself, being comfortable in my own skin is my biggest dream, and also the first step in making any of my other big dreams a reality. I’m viewing 40 as an opportunity to embrace change and make the changes that need to be made to get to the place and person I want to be. With a lot of hard work and determination, maybe one day I’ll be writing my book, or my next post, somewhere outside a little cafe in Italy.

What would you be doing in your dream life, and where would you be doing it? What are your thoughts on waiting to be (fill in the blank) to go after a particular dream? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on the Facebook fan page.

Editor’s Note: On Monday I shared with you the fork in the road of my ongoing health/exercise/weight loss/fitness battles. Sadly, I’m no stranger to fad and starvation diets. But today I’m sharing a great post from Esther Kane on a better path to weight loss. As a social worker, counselor and “ardent anti-dieter” Esther’s take on dealing with unwanted weight gain in our 40s is enlightening, and she offers a softer, gentler way to achieving weight loss.

Balanced Weight Loss by Esther Kane

Normally, I try to avoid talking about weight loss, being an eating disorders therapist- it can be a touchy subject indeed. But lately, I’ve come to realize that there is what I believe to be, a balanced approach to losing a bit of extra weight if you really need to for health reasons. How did I come to this realization, you ask? Personal experience of course!

Turning 39 recently has brought with it much appreciated wisdom, calmness, material comfort, and settling comfortably into myself- all of which I prayed and longed for in my teens and twenties and for which I am forever grateful. However, the not-so-easy-to-deal-with aspects have included graying hair, wrinkling skin, downward pointing breasts, and alas, weight gain. All of these have come as a major shock as somehow, I guess I had thought I would be immune to all of the side effects of ageing. But no, Mother Nature would have me learn otherwise. And while I am working really hard at growing older without plastic surgery, botox, or other toxic attempts to extend my youthful appearance, the weight gain has been a real doozy.

As it turns out, our metabolism slows down increasingly as we age and thus, our ability to burn off excess fat. I have never been obese and even at my heaviest, would be considered ‘average’ for a woman of my age, shape, and height, but the extra padding was getting in the way of my twisty-turny poses in my three times a week hot yoga class and my clothes weren’t looking as flattering as they used to.

Being an ardent anti-dieter and having had a history of a severe eating disorder in the past, I decided there was no way in hell I was going to starve myself through a rigid food deprivation regimen. Instead, over the past few months, I’ve really worked on the emotional side of things- coming to terms with the fact that I am, indeed, ageing- and that my body will naturally change it’s shape and size over the rest of my life. This is a hard pill to swallow in our shallow thin-is-in society, but a reality to which we must all succumb to someday and which is totally natural and acceptable. Overall, I’ve made a lot more peace with this fact and have come to accept (for the most part) that I have traded a young, lean body for the wise, calm, and successful woman whom I have become which is something to be really proud of and grateful for.

Add to that, keeping up with daily moderate exercise- I love and do Bikram’s hot yoga three times a week religiously- more for the stress-busting and inner peace and calm it gives me than for the calories burned. And I’ve tweaked my already healthy diet a bit more in order to boost my metabolism and achieve overall good health. I am aware that the goal is not to be skinny (my body isn’t made to be skinny no matter how hard I may try), but instead, to try and stay at my set-point weight, where I look and feel my best. This set-point changes over the course of our lives as our bodies change so make sure it’s realistic for your current age and body type.

It’s taken me about four months to lose the excess weight I had put on, and I now fit into my clothes the way I did before I gained that extra weight and it feels really good. Slow and steady like the good ‘ol turtle does the trick. And there has been no obsessing, calorie-counting, or beating myself up along the way. I really feel now that the fact that I truly love myself and mostly accept who I am and the body I have now have made a huge difference. Perhaps there is an easier, softer, and gentler way after all…

____________________________________________

Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counselling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can learn more about Esther on her website www.estherkane.com.

This piece was reposted with the author’s permission.

It’s ironic that just before the TMPRI, I’d decided that since so much of what happens to us in life seem out of our control – jobs, lay-offs, the economy – we should take ownership of the things we actually can control. Eating and exercising was at the top of my “Things I can control” list. Or so I thought. The next day I broke the record for the most embarrassing knee injury story ever. Coincidence? I’m not sure.

Should I be reading anything into the fact that the day after I declare absolute control over something, I lose control over that very thing? Could it be that we’re not in control of as much as we’d like to think we are? Or is the lesson one in learning to go with the flow and making things work no matter how many forks there are in the road? I’m leaning towards the latter. And so I’m starting a new week with the hope of  walking at least two pain-free days and eating healthy all seven.

I’ve been fighting this weight/health/overeating battle most of my life, and although there are times I get very discouraged – especially when I read about metabolism beating a hasty retreat at 40 – I realize that the only day I’m guaranteed to fail is the day I wake up and say I’m not going to try. So, fork in the road be damned. I’ll walk a little slower, do a bit of weight training as a commenter suggested, and see where this fork takes me.

Have you experienced any unexpected forks in the road? How are you dealing with them, and what’s the lesson you’re learning? Share your thoughts in the comment section, or on our Facebook fan page.

I was doing a story on the tourist attraction for CNN, but little did I know I’d be affected for the rest of my life by this story. As I walked through the grotto, I felt like I was in a land of elves or fairies. But each “neighborhood” was actually a miniature version of a well-known spiritual edifice, or a scene from the Holy Bible. In fact, the monks of St. Bernard Abbey call it “Sermons in Stone.” But the most amazing part was finding out that these miniature monuments were all made by hand by Brother Joseph Zoetl, O.S.B. – a monk in the original group that came over from Germany to found the Benedictine college and monastery of St. Bernard Abbey in 1892.

Brother Joseph started working on Ave Maria Grotto in 1932, and it was opened to the public in 1934. During his regular duties as a monk, Brother Joseph was maimed in a severe accident, while trying to hoist a heavy bell into the belfry. His injuries caused him to develop a hunchback that caused him pain for the rest of his life, but you’d never know it from his beautiful creations. They speak of peace instead of pain. Some of the most impressive scenes were of The Holy Land, Noah’s Ark, The Great Wall of China, Rome’s coliseums and churches, and the World Peace Church in Hiroshima, Japan. And they were all made with whatever materials Brother Joseph had available: clay, twigs, broken glass, plumbing fixtures, broken marble, etc. It got to the point where people who had visited or heard about Ave Maria Grotto started mailing Brother Joseph items to help him continue his work, including: glass beads, marbles, costume jewelry, ash trays, and broken tile. It personified the quote, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.”

Over the course of 40 years, Brother Joseph patiently built 125 scenes until age 80. He died three years later in 1961 – the year I was born. But his spirit lives on through his “Sermons in Stone” or “Jerusalem in Miniature.” You don’t have to consider yourself to be a “religious” person to appreciate this sacred place. In fact, about 90 percent of visitors are non-Catholic, and many are non-Christian. But representatives of the Abbey say every person who visits say it was an “immensely spiritual experience.” That’s what it was for me. There were moments when I sat in front of scenes and wept. It wasn’t because the scenes were biblical but because a quiet man, living with the pain of a hunchback, could still find love in his heart to create such beauty to inspire humanity.

If someone like Brother Joseph could create such a masterpiece with a physical challenge, what’s to stop any of us from using what we have right here and now to bring love and beauty to this world? It’s something to think about when you go through life’s challenges. For more information, visit: www.avemariagrotto.com. I’d love to hear stories of spiritual inspiration from your own travels, so send them in to help inspire others. And remember: “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness” — Mark Twain.

Kalin Thomas is Women at Forty’s Travel & Leisure Editor. She is also Senior Writer/Photographer for SoulOfAmerica. Before starting her own multimedia company, Kalin spent 17 years at CNN where she won several awards for her work as producer/correspondent for CNN’s weekly travel program, CNN TravelNow. She is currently writing a book about her travels. For more information on Kalin, visit www.seetheworldproductions.com.

Editor’s Note:

bittersweet milestone

In an hour, I will be forty.

The celebrating began in early July and I have been very, very spoiled.

Life is good and I have more reason for hope than I have had in a long time.

But I would be lying if I did not admit that this birthday is a bit tinged with sadness.

My life, at forty, does not look the way I thought it would. Cancer has irrevocably changed me and the choices I will make. My expectations and aspirations will never again be what they once were.

So, yes, I’m a little sad.

But I have, thus far, defied medical expectations and I am determined that I will continue to do so.

I have a beautiful family and a community of friends who have, in turn, exceeded my expectations of love and friendship.

I am feeling more creative, inspired and confident than I have since childhood.

And it feels like more good things are just around the corner.

I need to indulge this sadness, to give it voice, and as I write, it dissipates.

Tomorrow, we head to one of my favourite places in the world, where I will be reunited with my nine-year old, who I have not seen in almost two weeks (he has been hanging out with his cousins).

I have missed him more than he has missed me (which is as it should be) but I can’t wait to hug him.

I think I am going to have a very good birthday.

I’ll be off line for the next week or so. I have so much to share when I get back, half written posts inspired by my time at the BlogHer conference.

It’s going to be a good year. I can feel it.

Laurie Kingston (pictured right) blogs at Not Just About Cancer. She lives, writes, plays and parents in Ottawa, Canada. Diagnosed with breast cancer that had spread to her liver in 2006, Laurie has been officially NED (“no evidence of disease) since June 30, 2007. She will likely remain in treatment for the rest of her life but finds that life to be busy and fulfilling. Laurie is now 43 and hopes to have many, many more birthdays to write about. Her book, Not Done Yet: Living Through Breast Cancer was published in March 2009 by Women’s Press.

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  A few stats about breast cancer – Besides skin cancer, breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer among U.S. women and about 70-80% of breast cancers occur in women who have no family history. Now the promising news – regular self exams can save your life, and a new study shows that breast self exams can lower the death risk for women in their 40s. Today 76% of women with breast cancer have a survival rate of 10 or more years. But we still have a long way to go. Here are 6 ways you can help yourself and others in the fight against breast cancer.

1. Cancer knows no geographic boundaries – Pink Ribbon International helps create worldwide awareness for breast cancer and provides information, resources and support for patients, caregivers, family and providers. In an effort to spread the word, The Pink Ribbon blog encourages entries from those impacted by breast cancer. As a welcome present to new blog participants, they’re randomly giving away Pink Ribbon International Mugs to blog participants. But you don’t have to be a blog entrant to get one. Visit their online store to purchase Pink Ribbon International products and donate to a worthy cause. (Image: The Pink Ribbon International Mug)

2. Visit The Susan G. Kolman Breast Self Awareness Card (BSE) link to download a free breast self exam reminder card. This handy card includes a checklist and step-by-step instructions on how to perform a breast self-examination. Click here for non-English downloads and for downloads which contain expanded information for various ethnic groups.

3. Click to give free mammograms – While the healthcare debate rages on, thousands of women – and men – around the country don’t have access to potentially life-saving mammograms. The Breast Cancer Site helps you help them. When you visit their site and click the pink “Click Here” button, the site’s sponsors pay for women to get free mammograms. 100% of sponsor money goes to charity. So click, click, click away!

4. 2 days, 39 miles, thousands of lives – The Avon Walk for Breast Cancer raises money “to provide women and men the breast cancer screening, support and treatment they need regardless of their ability to pay.”  This year’s remaining walk cities include New York and Charlotte. Walks in 2011 include Houston, Chicago and San Francisco. Visit this link to receive additional information and a free brochure.

5. Beyond the Shock – Whether you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer, have a loved one who has or just want to know more, The National Breast Cancer Foundation’s Beyond the Shock® is an informative 3-D video presentation created by physicians. Watch Beyond the Shock® here.

6. Too important to skip – Although this is Five for Friday, this information was too important to save for another day. For those without health insurace, the CDC’s National Breast and Cervical Cancer Early Detection Program (NBCCEDP) provides access to breast and cervical cancer screening services to underserved women in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, 5 U.S. territories, and 12 tribes. Click here to find your local program.

If you’ve been personally impacted by breast cancer, or have a loved one who has, and would like to share your story, email Women at Forty at contribute@womenatforty.com.  And help spread awareness during National Breast Cancer Awareness Month  by clicking any one of the “share and enjoy” buttons below this post.