You know how growing up you had friends who were so close you called them play cousins? He’s sort of like my play British boyfriend.  If play means he has no idea I exist.

This post actually started out as a Facebook status update in response to Idris Elba singing in his new(?) video (check out the video at the end of this post. Wait! Will you at least read the post first?)

Side note – Idris is an awesome actor, a VERY good looking man, and from what I understand a great DJ and entertainer.

And a VERY good looking man.

Singer? Not so much.

But, a few of us remarked on Facebook about how it really didn’t matter, especially since the lyrics and the tone of the video are so…delicious. The funniest response I saw went something like this, ” He could juggle bottles of pink oil moisturizer while tap-dancing to the macaerena. I’d still buy that ish on DVD…”  So there you go. Emotions run high when it comes to my man Eed (that’s what I call him on our play dates together.)

Anyway, all this Idris talk reminded me of the time I almost met him.

You see at one point Eed lived in Atlanta (maybe still does) in the townhome complex of the girl who did my hair, and I was over there once getting my wig busted and she went out to her mailbox while I was under the dryer and came back and told me Idris was just at the mailbox and I almost snatched the plastic cap off my head to go stare (stare because like, what would I say?) at him, but then I thought “Grace, the first time you meet Idris Elba you shouldn’t have deep conditioner dripping from your head. You probably shouldn’t anytime you meet Idris Elba, but certainly not the first time,” she said, in the run-on sentence from hell.

Some of my friends, being who they are, chimed in.  One very supportive and equally misguided friend suggested “Nonsense! He meets thousands of women. It is important to make a memorable impression.”  A friend more grounded in reality countered, “I agree it is important to make a memorable first impression. But I must add POSITIVE memorable impression.”

Long story short, I did NOT snatch the plastic cap off my head and go running out to stare at Eed. So, I may have missed my once in a lifetime opportunity to meet the man who today is asking me in this song to share a few secrets with him.

The moral of the story? The next time Idris Elba is picking up his mail, I will, plastic cap, deep conditioner and all, RUN to go meet him. And that, is no secret. Check out this video to see why…

Editor’s Note: In today’s post Esther Kane talks about finding closure in relationships. In it she shares the story of a woman who finds herself repeating the negative messages she’d received from her father in her current relationship. In these situations Esther suggests using letter writing as a tool for finding closure.  I’m definitely going to give the exercise a try. My hope is that doing so will put an end to some of the gnawing conversations I still have with myself over mistakes I’ve made in past relationships. Maybe it will do the same for you…

In my therapy practice, the work lately seems to be about helping clients release and let go of ‘unfinished business’ from the past; whether it’s an old romance that still niggles away at their psyche, healing from a past trauma, or coming to terms with one’s family-of-origin and learning to reposition oneself in our families as the adult women we are now, rather than reacting like the child we used to be.

For example, one client came to me because she was having trouble trusting the new partner in her life, even though they were getting along and he treated her very well. She couldn’t shake the belief that he would one day discover that she ‘wasn’t worthy’ of him and trade her in for a prettier, younger version.

I hear this story a lot for some reason- as an unbiased observer, it always strikes me as ludicrous because the woman sitting before me is inevitably bright, beautiful, and lovely with everything going for her. But hey, I’ve been there myself so no judgment on my end.

Once we examined her family-of-origin and recent relationship history, it became extremely understandable why she was having this particular reaction to her new mate. As a child, her father didn’t ‘get’ her because she was shy and sensitive and needed emotional connection from him and he was the exact opposite temperament. This set up a devastating dynamic for the little girl who always felt that her daddy was rejecting her and came to the conclusion that because he was uncomfortable around her and couldn’t meet her emotional needs that there was something horribly defective about her-that she was basically unlovable.

Fast-forward twenty years when she’s in a long-term relationship and chooses a partner just like daddy- who doesn’t ‘get’ her and is emotionally unavailable- and you have a formula for lifelong pain and suffering. In fact, the boyfriend before her latest love went even further than her father had- he kept leaving her, and thus, she was always on edge when they’d reunite, wondering when the other shoe would drop once again and she’d be without him.

With this background context, it’s understandable why she was having such trouble trusting her new boyfriend and believing that he was actually there for her and wasn’t going anywhere. What was extremely helpful for this particular woman was to gain an understanding of where all of these anxious thoughts and feelings came from (i.e., past experiences with men), letting go of judging herself for having them, and instead, finding some closure with her father and the previous boyfriend who had helped create this state of high anxiety for her in relationships with men.

One of the best methods I know for obtaining closure with the past is through letter writing. This is what I prescribed to this particular client and it worked wonders. In her case, I suggested she write letters to both her father and the most recent ex that she did not send to them. This part is extremely important! This exercise is for your own therapy and can cause terrible boomerang effects if it’s shared with the people you have unfinished business with. You write such a letter by stating the facts of what happened in the past between the two of you and what they did or said to you specifically that has caused damage. Then you write about how the behavior and/or words affected you and how it’s still affecting you now (especially in your current relationships), and why you want to let it go for good.

If you don’t feel safe leaving this writing to be found by others, simply type it out in a blank Word document and delete it immediately after writing so there is no trace of it for others to find later on.

Then write a letter to your inner child (the darling little girl you once were and still are inside) stating the opposite of what you were taught that was so damaging. In the case, my client told her little girl that she was totally lovable and deserved a wonderful man who could give her what she needed. She also told her that the big her (i.e., the adult she is now) totally loves and accepts the little girl exactly as she is and that she deserves all that she desires in relationships.

Try it out for yourself and see what happens. And if you have some epiphany, please e-mail me at: esther@estherkane.com with your story and I may write about it in a future e-zine or blog (keeping your name completely anonymous of course).

Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counselling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can learn more about Esther on her website www.estherkane.com.

This article was originally posted on www.estherkane.com. It is reposted with the author’s permission.

In my pre-twelve little girl eyes, my mother was everything I wanted to be. My memory paints pictures of my mother in swimming watercolor, like the paintings she’d made when she was a girl. Paintings that had been hung in Jamaica’s Devon House, a prominent government building where she had worked in the gift shop long before I entered her imagination. When I picture her in the early days of my childhood, I see a hard-working, determined student and superb mathematician studying by the singular circle of light thrown on the dining table from the lamp above. (Photo: my mother the Jamaican Beauty)

Tendrils of cigarette smoke clambering, full of motion, moved about her face and lovely dark hair. Beads of sweat clung to her upper lip, the tip of her tongue poked out of the corner of her closed mouth the way it does when she is concentrating, a trait both of my sons carry.

Beyond a student, my mother was a self-reliant grease monkey who banged away under the hood of her car, fixing things her mechanic father had taught her to fix. She would stand fearlessly on a ladder changing light bulbs, changing fuses, putting together bookshelves, installing appliances. Too, she could be an elegant, stately hostess in flowing pink silk, her hair carefully curled and in its proper place. On those occasions, she stood before extravagant meals, hosting dinner parties. She had a raucous, shameless laugh, irrepressible and contagious for her guests.

When I was about six years old, my grandmother showed me a photograph of my mother that had appeared in a Jamaica Tourist Board’s brochure. “She was eighteen,” was my grandmother’s only remark as she carefully removed the rubber band that held the tattered and faded brochure together. It was a small headshot, a profile of her striking young face. Her huge doe eyes were turned toward the camera, framed by the dark, heavy arcs of her eyebrows. Her flawless cinnamon-colored skin was accented by high wide cheekbones, the gift my grandmother passed on to all of her children. Silken black curls had escaped the upsweep of her hair and hung loosely about her face. From the one visible ear hung a ceramic “bunch of banana” earring the photographer had asked her to model for a catalog. She had agreed, she told me later, only because he’d promised her face would not appear. The photo turned up in the brochure months later, along with the caption “Jamaican Beauty.”

Monday: Sometimes parents teach us what not to do. Part 2 of A Jamaican Beauty

1. For some men, grilling is a religion. The Bodum Fyrkat Portable Grill ($50) turns it into religion with style. Available in colors like orange, green and yellow, it’s not only practical, it’s ultra cute and modern too. Ok, maybe the cute part is more for us…

2. If your man’s got World Cup Fever he’s going to love the Umbro World Champions Collection.  The collection of shirts celebrate the history of the World Cup with jerseys from the seven countries that have won a world Cup including Brazil, England and Italy.

3. For the guy who’s always carrying his laptop, notebooks and everything else in a raggedy old bag, the Archival Clothing Rucksack ($240) offers a stylish alternative. This rucksack features a taller, leaner design that’s great for laptops, two outer pockets, and long-lasting waxed cotton twill fabric.

4. Imagine heading to the park and while everyone is unfolding their lawn chairs, your guy’s unfolding Strathwood’s Portable Folding Hammock ($80). The powder-coated steel frame is covered in a warm chocolate fabric and even comes with its own pillow. The whole thing folds up neatly and drops into a handy carrying case.

5. When he’s ready to drone out all the noise on the outside and unwind with his favorite music, V-Moda’s Crossfade LP Headphones are an excellent way for him to do just that. It’s got a heavy-duty steel frame, 50mm Dual-Diaphragm High-Definition Drivers (whatever that is), two detachable Kevlar-reinforced fabric cables and a flexible memory headband. The Crossfade comes in white, metallic gray and black.

For lots more great gift ideas, visit Uncrate.com, The Buyer’s Guide for Men.

Looking back over my numerous lists I can’t help but laugh at some of the qualities I thought were essential when I was younger. One particularly embarrassing desire I held was to have a man who could sing and play football. Not necessarily at the professional level (because that would be ridiculous) but I imagine I must have thought that the combination of singing and football would somehow get me out of a major life jam sometime in the future. I even found an entry about my dream man having long eyelashes – because you know, that’s the telltale sign of a good man.

When I was going through my Maxwell phase I needed a man with big, wild, out-of-this-world hair. And after a waiter sent shivers down my spine at a restaurant in New York, I was determined to find someone who made me feel the same way every single day of my life. I’ve yet to find either. Then there was the 6’2” or taller height requirement, the great dresser requirement and let’s not forget the “corporate type” requirement. That was until I realized that most men who were always in a suit and tie were always working and/or were not necessarily that handy around the house.

Thank God for growing up. As I grew up I also grew out of some of the things I once thought were so important. But what’s been as interesting as what’s dropped off my list is what’s remained. I’ve always wanted someone who shared the same core spiritual beliefs as I do and I’ve also always wanted someone who was kind and giving, gentle and understanding. But I also now understand that a man who listens, really listens, is essential to any strong relationship.

What matters today and what’s always mattered most is character. The body that character is housed in doesn’t have to be a 6’2”, singing football player with unbelievably long eyelashes. In fact, I’d be nervous if it was. What’s important is that we see eye to eye on the things that matter the most in life. Well, that and he’s got to have a neck. I’ve come a long way, and so has my list, but I’m not willing to compromise on the neck thing.

What’s on your list? Share yours in our comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

We’re assuming here that by being alone, most were talking about being single – as in without husbands, mates or significant others.  And if that’s the case, the question then becomes, if we fear being alone, are we doing everything in our power to make sure that’s not how we end up?

It’s interesting that while many of us fear being alone, finding companionship is one of the areas of our lives where we’re the most passive. In almost every other area of our lives, we intentionally go about getting the things we need and want.

When we’re out of work, we pound the pavement looking for a job or return to school to get a degree. We take out loans and go into debt for our homes, cars and businesses. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for our children, and don’t let us see a pair of shoes we just have to have – we’ll move heaven and earth to get them. But when it comes to love and relationships, we’re often afraid to put anything, much less everything, on the line.  It’s companionship we seek, and being without it is what we fear, but we won’t go out and find it. We won’t try Eharmony or Match.com, we won’t go out on blind dates and we won’t ask him out.

It’s ironic that we’re afraid to take the risks we sometimes have to take to end up in the kind of relationships we long for. It’s no coincidence that fear of rejection was a close third to fear of being alone. In fact, for some, fear of rejection is the number one contributing factor to being alone. And no one is suggesting that you approach every guy you find mildly attractive and sign up for every internet dating service in existence, but if being alone is what you fear, there’s got to be a happy medium. Somewhere between selling yourself out to the lowest bidder and hiding within the walls of your own home, lies a place that will bring you closer to the kind of relationship you desire. Between love and fear is life. And if you want things to start happening, you’ve got to start living yours.

What’s the scariest part of being alone? And if you’re afraid of being alone, what are you doing – or not doing – about it? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

We asked about passion, and you said -  Passion is still alive…even if it doesn’t pop up every day. And you haven’t given up on finding and keeping passion alive in your relationships, it just takes a little more work at 40. There are careers, kids and bills to think about, and sometimes passion takes a back seat. Single women at 40 said chemistry and passion are still really important when dating and starting relationships, but unlike in our 20’s, it’s not the only important factor.

We asked about back-up plans, and you said – Whether it comes to having kids or your marriage, there is no back-up plan. Unlike Jennifer Lopez’ upcoming movie, those of you who are 40 and don’t have kids, seem to be ok with it. When it comes to your marriages and relationships, the master plan seems to be to make it work, i.e., there is no contingency plan for failure. We’ll see how/if that changes as we receive more responses.

We asked about women asking men out, dating in the age of social media and how you felt about the term “cougar” and you said – You’ve tried eharmony, match.com and reconnected with past flames through Facebook. Many of you have had limited success going those routes. What still works? Good old fashion friends hooking friends up. Several of our readers commented that they met their husbands/significant others after asking them out. A lot of us are still working up the nerve to ask men out, so maybe we’ll make that a challenge the next time we talk about tackling our fears. As for “cougar” talk – some of you could take it or leave it, others embraced it, but most women who responded don’t like the term one bit. Next week we’ll be featuring an interview with a woman who’s got a few things to say about being identified solely by the age of the man in her life.

Who said anything about a wedding? – So what happens when you meet Mr. Right and find yourself getting married –again- at 40? Rachel, a guest blogger and frequent contributor, wrote honestly and humorously about the topic last week, and her post resounded with many of you. In keeping with this week’s relationship theme, we thought we’d share it again.

Next week our Relationship 2.0 series continues with more of your thoughts about dating, men and managing relationship minefields at 40. We’d love to hear your thoughts – share them in the comment section, on our Facebook fan page or on Twitter @womenatforty.

Have you ever asked a guy out? Why or why not? We received the most responses to this question – here’s some of what you had to say…

“Yes, but I’m not comfortable with it. Plus I worry about the future with a man who is interested but doesn’t even have the initiative to ask me out himself.”

“Of course!! I didn’t meet my husband until I was 32. Lord knows I wasn’t going to always wait around for the man to ask. Although, I will say it’s nicer when they did. “

“Never asked a guy out, but I have made the first move.  Does that count?  I never asked a guy out because the opportunity never presented itself or if it did, I totally missed it.”

“Reading The Rules has made me too paranoid to do that, even though I know that’s silly. I would always wonder if the guy REALLY wanted to go out with me in the first place, or if I just made myself was too convenient for him to pass up.”

What makes relationships work at 40, and is it different than what works in our 20’s and 30’s

“In my 20’s and even 30’s I was so concerned with “fixing” him, that I wasn’t paying any attention to geting myself straight. Now, I’ve come into the person I am, and find partners that complement me instead of looking for men and trying to make them into something I want.”

“What made my relationships work when I was thirty still applies now that I am 40.  It is probably different for each person since relationships are based on the people involved.  This may be crass but for me its have sex with him and allow him all the time and space he needs for his hobbies.  It also helps that we share the same moral code.”

“Maturity definitely plays more of a role in making relationships work at 40. Gone for me are the overly dramatic arguments and the insecurities, so knowing what I want makes things easier. What’s been harder is finding what I want…”

Should we be offended by the term “Cougar” or should we embrace it

“Personally I hate the word, and I’m not even dating a younger man at the moment. But it’s just the idea that a single woman in her 40’s is some kind of predator hunting down innocent little cub prey – I find the whole thing a little sexist.”

“Regarding the ‘cougar’ term, I really dislike it. Who wants to be defined by the age of the man she dates? Aren’t we all grown up enough to be beyond that? It’s predatory and insinuates that women are out to merely play around with these guys, when the reality is that more and more of us are actually choosing a younger guy as a life partner. I hate the assumption that just because my husband is younger than I am that I somehow coerced him into being with me, or that I finance his lifestyle, when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.”

Next week we’ll share more of your responses to these and other relationship questions, and we’ll feature our interview with Jo, founder of the website Beyond Cougar, who’s married to a man who happens to be 10 years her junior, but who refuses to be defined by that one fact.

Let’s see, there’s Twitter and Facebook,  E-harmony, Match.com and yes folks even… onlinebootycall.com. There’s freezing eggs, frozen sperm and surrogate mothers. In the media there’s Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher and on TV there’s Cougar Town and Accidentally on Purpose. And in the news, there’s a constant stream of stories about infidelity. Many of us were heartbroken when we learned that Jesse James was unfaithful to Sandra Bullock, who just weeks prior had beemed publicly that her husband “had her back.” We even took it a little personally since Sandra waited until she was 40 to get married.

It seems everywhere we turn we’re inundated with images, stories and advice about marriage, single men and women and dating – some good, some bad, and some, just plain old ugly.  So what’s a woman at forty to do? This week we’re exploring relationships 2.0 – relationships in the age of social media, cougar culture and changing mores. And we’re asking some serious – and not so serious – questions, like:

• Do you have a “back-up plan?” What do you think of the whole idea? If you’ve got one, what is it and did you ever think you’d need one?
• What makes a relationship work at 40 and is it different than when you were in your 20’s or 30’s?
• Are “good men” as hard to find as the media portrays, or are we just being too picky?
• Should we be offended by the word “cougar” or should we embrace it?
• Have you ever asked a guy out? Why or why not?

I’ve assembled a virtual panel – panel 2.0  I call it, of 40 year old friends and acquaintances and asked them these questions and more. Some of the answers might surprise you. We’re even talking to an “official un-cougar” this week – a woman who’s married to a younger man, but who refuses to be defined by the age of the man in her life. So, is all the media talk about dating, infidelity, cougars and relationships just hype or is it reality? This week, with your help, we’ll try to find out.

Share your answers to our relationship 2.0 questions in the comment section, on our Facebook fan page or email them to contribute@womenatforty.com. We’ll keep your responses anonymous, so don’t be afraid to tell us what you’re really thinking.

How times have changed and thankfully so have our tastes. What we found sexy at 16, 21 and even 30, probably isn’t what we find sexy at 40. So we asked, what do you find sexy in a man? Just so you know, that hip area, just below the six pack abs and right above the ehem…(modeled perfectly here by The Backup Plan’s Alex O’Loughlin) is what we find sexy. Here’s some of what you had to say…

“Definitely a good sense of humor. And a guy who can spell and has good grammar…as odd as that sounds.”

“A man who behaves as an adult and takes responsibility for himself, his actions and his loved ones.”

“A man who is in touch with his emotions and is not afraid to share them with the woman in his life.”

”A man in the kitchen cooking—doesn’t matter what he is cooking, but there is something sooo sexy about him cooking for me!”

“A man that can sing”

“A man that listens”

“A man has got to have a good voice. And that whole thing when they talk in your ear, or whisper, or um, make um certain noises during the deed, um…”

“Sexy for me…the way he towel dries after a shower and the fit of boxer briefs…”

“Wash dishes, fold laundry, gives you a hug when you are down and you don’t have to say a word!!!”

“Confidence is sexy. doesn’t matter how old or young, handsome or not, if he’s confident within himself, he is sexy. I love a man who knows his own mind and what he’s about. Oh yeah, I also love a man in the kitchen…..a guy who cooks is sooooooooooo sexy.”

It’s interesting how many responses didn’t have anything to do with men’s physical attributes. Were our women being reserved, or are these qualities sexier than the physical? And, I wonder if we asked men the same question, whether the responses would be similar. Got something sexy to add? Share it in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

Image: Alex O’ Loughlin from the upcoming movie “The Backup Plan”