Editor’s Note: One of my favorite past posts – your comments on dating, sexiness and motherhood…

We’ve rounded up a few of the comments from the website and Facebook, and here’s what women at forty are saying, and asking, about dating, sexiness and motherhood…

On dating:

OK, so is there a thin line between just friends and dating line at 40? Did it move from when we were in our 20s or 30s? There is this older guy who I enjoy spending time with – dinner, movies, chatting on the phone, etc. He insists that we’re not dating, but he won’t let 24 hours go by without “checking” in. Before you even ask, yes he’s the only guy that I’m spending time with (other guy friends don’t get 10% face time – mostly chat/email or cell buddies) and he says that he could never handle more than one female friend at a time. So back to what started this – just what crosses the line between just friends and dating?

On what’s sexy:

Sexy is knowing what to wear that compliments your best features – the tailoring of the suit/swagger of the sport attire, the style of the shoe, the line of the haircut, the moisturizer to use on the skin and the scent to top it off. All this speaks to knowing yourself and what you have to offer…. without spending more time in the mirror than me!

On motherhood – Does the bell toll for me:

I am nearing forty..within a few years. I’m one week away from divorcing my husband.. and we never had kids. For the 8 years we were married I wanted kids only about 10% of the time. I think it was the person I was married to. Something was just not right. After I separated from my husband I met a wonderful older man who was already a father to two grown boys and wow, he not only set off my biological clock, it went off like a TIME BOMB. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last and I am alone again. The decision to have children or not has not been an easy one for me. In my very early twenties before I was married I became pregnant out of wedlock and had an abortion. I think about that a lot now, to be truthful. There is a lot of sadness that comes to me at times when I see a pregnant woman – I often wonder what it is like. Then I hear the stories of the midnight feedings, diaper changes gone wrong, exploding poo, and spitup and I think, hmm. I am not sure I can do that. I believe that the path of my life is slowly being revealed to me page by page. Hopefully one day I will be able to face the uncertainty and make a decision. Until then I am enjoying being able to do what I want, when I want. My hope is that a wonderful man will enter my life, we will fall in love, and perhaps, have a family.

Share your thoughts on motherhood, what is and isn’t sexy, and dating in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

Editor’s Note: I love receiving reader comments, especially when they come from fellow bloggers. It’s a great way to meet fellow women at forty and learn about their life experiences. That’s exactly the case with Claire. Claire is a 40 something from Ireland who, in her early 40’s became a first time mom – or mam as the Irish call it. She shares her experiences on her website FortySomething First Time Mum. In this post, Claire shares with us her journey from not wanting to have kids and detesting the entire process to loving it and being very grateful for being a mum.

A Mum At Last

As you can guess from the title of this blog, I am a forty something first time mum. Or as we say here in Ireland ‘Mam’ or ‘Mammy’.

It can be a lonely business being a forty something first time mum. Many people of my age have older and even fully grown children. This was brought home to me at a mother and toddler group that I attended for a short while. The leader asked me if I was my two year old son’s ‘nana’ (grandmother)! I was horrified as I think I actually look pretty ok for my age (44). Maybe I have what is recently termed as ‘fatorexia’ and ‘age orexia’ because when I look in the mirror I see a fairly slim young one looking back at me!! I enjoyed the group but I left after a few weeks as it reminded me that I am indeed a bit of an oldie. Most of the other mothers and fathers were at least ten years younger than me!

Maybe you are wondering, if I am so worried about being an older mum, why I left it so late? The answer I will give now is I really do not know! The answer I would have given in my twenties and thirties about not having children would have been that I did not want to be poor, trapped and miserable. After all, that’s what had happened to my mother for part of her life, not to mention some of my peers who had children at a young age. And so, I spent my twenties and thirties in a partying haze, pushing kids to the bottom of my list. In fact, they really were not on my list at all!

Even when I married at age 34, I wasn’t that enamored of the idea. Luckily, my other half did not pressure me or seem to mind too much. In fact, he once said he thought I was too immature to have kids! The pot and the kettle come to mind in that regard! We both had good full time jobs and enjoyed going away, drinking and going out for meals. I didn’t believe in the biological clock either or that it would ever tick for me. What a shock I was in for!

At around age 38 , I suddenly started to take a big interest in my nieces and nephews. Although I loved them, I really couldn’t be bothered before. My brothers never asked me to babysit much and everyone said I preferred animals to kids! I guess, in hindsight, it would have seemed that way, but deep down I think I was just trying to avoid the whole issue. And issues about childbirth and parenthood I truly had. I couldn’t even bear to hear about childbirth or watch a scene on TV involving it. I felt it was a humiliating and degrading experience for the woman and that as usual the man got off scot free. It really scared me when I started to ogle babies in their prams, and wonder what it would be like to have a child of my own! What was happening to me? Had I been wrong about the biological clock because it sure seemed to have started ticking for me, however late!

I really started to feel I wanted a child and my husband felt the same. We tried, but unfortunately nothing happened except a miscarriage. I didn’t even realize that was what it was at the time so ignorant of all things of that ilk was I! As time went on and I hit the age of forty, I decided to forget about the whole idea. By that stage I felt that it was probably my own fault that I could not conceive. I had spent the best part of 38 years saying I did not want children. Now it seemed as if my body was responding in kind. I felt as if I had willed it into not wanting them either. I remember someone saying to me at that time, that since I was forty, I might as well face the fact I would never have kids. I was sad but decided to get on with life and not think about it. Parenthood is not the path for everyone and it is not in everyone’s life journey. I thought that was probably the case with me. I went part time in my day job and set up my own dog walking and pet sitting business and felt for the most part content with my life.

Then, out of the blue, at the age of 41, it happened! I was pregnant! And what’s more I was over three months gone before I even realized. I had lost track of my cycle because I had put it out of my mind. I was not sick and had no other symptoms. In fact, I felt great and had loads of energy. It was only when his nibs asked me if I had been keeping tabs on my cycle because he hadn’t heard me complaining about it for yonks, that it even crossed my mind. I was soooooooooo happy when the test came up positive. In fact, two tests and the one at the doctors came up positive, positive, positive!!

Other people were shocked and urged me to have all manner of tests done because of my age. I went for some private counseling just to be sure it was something we could handle. We then decided that we would forego the tests and just accept whatever and whoever was sent to us. I just knew then, that even if those tests had showed up any abnormalities we were ready for it. Thankfully, all was perfect and in November 2007 our beautiful son was born. It really was the best day of my life! Now I knew what people meant.

If I had known before what I found out that day and what I know now, I would have tried to have children a lot earlier. I realize now that even if it did cause me to be trapped, that having a child is a wonderful, beautiful blessing. In fact, parenthood has not trapped or frightened me in any way. So far, it is a bonus and an enhancement to my life and I think I can speak for my husband there too.

Since then, I have wanted another child really badly. I have a strong longing for that but I also wanted it for my little son. I would like him to have a sibling so that having older parents won’t be a burden to him in later life. Sadly, I had a miscarriage last year age 43 and it was devastating. We are so so so thankful for the child we have and I am so grateful my body clock ticked loudly and woke me up before it really was too late!

In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would become a forty something first time mum but here I am!!! Yippee!!

Claire Hegarty, lives in Dublin, Ireland with son, husband and 8 garden cats. She is on a career break from her job in Tourism and her petsitting business.  She is using the time to concentrate on parenting, blogging and following her dreams.

You never know what you’ll find on Facebook, and although we were holdouts for a long time, we’ve found quite a few fab finds through the web’s #1 social networking site. Here are five of our faves, and you don’t even have to be on Facebook to enjoy them, you can check them all out by visiting their websites.

1. Dove Self Esteem Fund – You may have seen the commercials on TV, but fanning them on Facebook let’s you see what other women are saying about raising their daughters in a society that often marginalizes them. The fund creates programs to help girls build positive self-esteem and a healthy body image. Their goal is to reach 5 million girls globally by 2010. Fan them here, and learn more about the fund on their website. (Image: Dove Girls – Campaign for Real Beauty

2. Revolution of Real Women – is a global movement advocating the empowerment of females in reclaiming their freedom of individuality, self-esteem and unique beauty. Why do we love RORW? This was a recent Facebook status “Skinny isn’t out. Curves aren’t in. One type of body isn’t more REAL than another. The ‘in’ body is the one YOU were born with.” Who can argue with that? You can follow RORW on Facebook or check out images of real women on Flickr.

3. Single Choice: Many Lives – We featured this documentary on WAF this week. It follows 38 year old filmmaker Anne Catherine Hundhausen as she documents women who’ve gone the invitro route, while she contemplates having the procedure herself. Fan Single Choice: Many Lives on Facebook, and check out the website here.

4. Beauty In the Eyes of the Beheld – This award winning documentary explores the blessings and curses of being beautiful from the point of view of women considered “beautiful.” The film follows eight women labeled as beautiful – two pageant winners, an exotic dancer, a former pop musician, a college student, an assistant paralegal, a physician, and an entrepreneur – and shares their stories of how concepts and realities of physical beauty have molded their lives for both better and worse. Check out the Facebook page here.

5. Wisebread – is a personal finance and frugal living forum providing tips on how to live large on a small budget. When you fan them on Facebook, you’ll get great tips on reducing spending, going green at the office and their Best Deals Daily Roundup that’ll turn you on to great online deals and freebies. Fan Wisebread on Facebook, or visit them at Wisebread.com.

For many women approaching 40, the realization of one truth might be particularly hard to bear – If they wait until they meet ‘Mr. Right’ to have kids, they might be too old to have them. And while a chorus of well meaning individuals will offer up the very viable option of adoption, for those women who’ve always yearned for the experience of pregnancy and childbirth, adoption just doesn’t fulfill their desires. So, what’s a woman at or near 40 to do?

In The Back-up Plan,  Jennifer Lopez’ character spends a few minutes, legs in the air just after being inseminated with donor sperm, wondering if she’s made the right decision.  In real life though, the decisions aren’t that simple, and the consequences can  be far reaching. In her film, Single Choice: Many Lives, 38 year old Anne Catherine Hundhausen documents her personal journey into making that very decision. Throughout the film viewers are introduced to single women like Hundhausen, who’ve come face to face with making the choice. And unlike the movie, the questions, the doubts and the insecurities aren’t answered in two hours.

The film raises as many questions as it asks – questions that are relevant to many of us. What happens, for instance, in the case of a woman who becomes pregnant at 40 through artificial insemination only to learn that her son is autistic? And what happens to society as a whole when increasing numbers of children don’t know their fathers?

We want to hear your thoughts on this subject, especially if you’re a woman who finds herself having to make this difficult choice. Please share your thoughts (anonymously or not) in our comment section, or email us at contribute@womenatforty.com.

A few days ago I was having a conversation with a couple of the people on WAF’s virtual panel. We were talking about having our own businesses and planning for success, but having to adopt alternatives, or back-up plans, for those times when business was slow. One of the women in the group suggested that instead of viewing alternatives as back-up plans to be instituted as last ditch efforts in the face of impending failure, we should view them as one of multiple streams of income. That is, we should see freelancing, taking on contract work etc. as alternate streams of income that should be just as valued and respected as any other. I thought that was sound advice and as I was watching “The Back-up Plan” the movie, I thought that Zoe and many of us could use a re-imagining of our own real life back-up plans.

You know the old saying “we make our plans and God laughs”? If you’ve been around for 40 years you know there’s truth in that old saying. Sometimes even the best laid plans work out very differently than we imagined.  Since that’s the case, maybe it might be a good idea to approach our lives with the same multiple stream philosophy my friend suggested.  What if we didn’t insist that there was one outcome that would result in ultimate happiness and everything else would be a distant second, third, fourth and so on? What if instead we embraced the idea of multiple streams of happiness? Maybe we wanted the marriage, kids and picket fence, but it hasn’t happened. Instead of looking at the alternative as a step down, or a life less desired, what if we really valued and respected “alternative” streams of happiness regardless of the source?

There are pros and cons to every choice we make and for every outcome of  our life’s plan. The bottom line is, if we approach our “back-up plan” as though it’s less than – then in our minds that’s what it will always be.  One of my favorite  quotes is by Joseph Campbell and it says, “we must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” The life that’s waiting for us doesn’t always fit neatly into our plans and our timing, and maybe it’s a good thing it doesn’t.

Join the conversation this week as we discuss back-up plans, single motherhood, the elusive “one” and more.

What are your thoughts on back-up plans? Do/did you have one, and have you had to use it? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

On dating:

OK, so is there a thin line between just friends and dating line at 40? Did it move from when we were in our 20s or 30s? There is this older guy who I enjoy spending time with – dinner, movies, chatting on the phone, etc. He insists that we’re not dating, but he won’t let 24 hours go by without “checking” in. Before you even ask, yes he’s the only guy that I’m spending time with (other guy friends don’t get 10% face time – mostly chat/email or cell buddies) and he says that he could never handle more than one female friend at a time. So back to what started this – just what crosses the line between just friends and dating?

On what’s sexy:

Sexy is knowing what to wear that compliments your best features – the tailoring of the suit/swagger of the sport attire, the style of the shoe, the line of the haircut, the moisturizer to use on the skin and the scent to top it off. All this speaks to knowing yourself and what you have to offer…. without spending more time in the mirror than me!

On motherhood – Does the bell toll for me:

I am nearing forty..within a few years. I’m one week away from divorcing my husband.. and we never had kids. For the 8 years we were married I wanted kids only about 10% of the time. I think it was the person I was married to. Something was just not right. After I separated from my husband I met a wonderful older man who was already a father to two grown boys and wow, he not only set off my biological clock, it went off like a TIME BOMB. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last and I am alone again. The decision to have children or not has not been an easy one for me. In my very early twenties before I was married I became pregnant out of wedlock and had an abortion. I think about that a lot now, to be truthful. There is a lot of sadness that comes to me at times when I see a pregnant woman – I often wonder what it is like. Then I hear the stories of the midnight feedings, diaper changes gone wrong, exploding poo, and spitup and I think, hmm. I am not sure I can do that. I believe that the path of my life is slowly being revealed to me page by page. Hopefully one day I will be able to face the uncertainty and make a decision. Until then I am enjoying being able to do what I want, when I want. My hope is that a wonderful man will enter my life, we will fall in love, and perhaps, have a family.

Share your thoughts on motherhood, what is and isn’t sexy, and dating in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

It’s nearly the midpoint of my final year before turning forty.  Now, this great project has been interrupted by a strange loss.  To put it tritely, I’ve said good bye to a part of my person that has, in some ways, defined me, as a woman, a progenitor of life.  The first home to my children.  About four days ago, I had a hysterectomy.

Once the cervical biopsy came back negative, the rush of control I’d felt at making the decision to have a hysterectomy quickly crumbled, the pieces swirled and washed away in a flood of embarrassing emotional attachment; it was, and I’m still embarrassed to say it, as if I was turning my back on a friend.  Setting her aside because she was sick, and I just didn’t want to deal with her pain.  I questioned my motives, cried in my friends’ ears, and in my doctor’s office during our pre-op meeting.

It was easy enough to make peace with not having more children;  my only real loss was that I would never have the experience of telling a beloved husband or partner “I’m pregnant!” and having him say, “Oh, honey!”, gathering me up in his arms and treating me like someone so much more precious than any other, the mother of his child.  My pregnancies were not that way, or even close to it; in fact, the second one pretty much decided that my marriage was over…but so what?  I have wonderful children, and I started early; my older son a mere six days before my twenty-first birthday.  Too young for the hospital’s complimentary bottle of champagne, we celebrated over a steak dinner and ginger ale in champagne glasses, naively joyful, in spite of not having lived the aforementioned fantasy at the beginning.  I have been a mother my whole adult life, and coming to forty, single, I have no problem imagining a life that is about finishing up the job of motherhood and focusing on career, travel, relationships, selfhood.  Still, a part of me grieved over the loss of possibility; in my last love affair, there had been slight talk of a child.  It wasn’t going to be a choice anymore.

Worse than any of that though, was going through this process of making peace with my decision alone.  Alone is a word I use with some hesitation here because I don’t want to seem ungrateful to the friends who consoled me, comforted me, listened to me cry, kept checking on my emotional and physical well-being.  But I was confronted again by that lonely place that friendship cannot touch upon, the knowledge that you really can only ask so much of friends, who have their own lives and families to attend to.  They couldn’t be at my doctor appointments, or hold my hand late at night when my thoughts tortured me, when I worried and worried and worried about the management of my household, my students, my life, while I was in recovery.  And of course, my mother is gone from me.  But my friend, Lois, cried on the phone with me the day before my surgery because she couldn’t be there for me, knowing instinctively that I didn’t want to wake up and not see the face of someone who loved me.  I received message after message of love and well wishes, friends telling me that they were thinking of me, praying for me, pulling for me.  In the end, I was surrounded, engulfed by loving words and kind gestures of care, almost more than I could bear.

Four days ago, my friend, Angela, drove me to the hospital at 6:15 AM, and stayed with me, cracking jokes and making me laugh, until I was all decked out in my hair cap and surgery gown, a lovely lavender ensemble.  She took my picture.  She told me I’d be okay, and I believed her.  My doctor, ever cool and confident, talked with me, again running through the possibilities with my warm hand in her smooth, cool one.  She looked in my eyes, and I told her the thing that Angela had made me believe; I was okay.  “You’ve made some peace with this?” she asked.  I had.

I said good-bye to yet another piece of my old life, one that was causing so much pain and distress, inhibiting my well-being.  Inside of me, I imagine not an empty space from which something was lost, but room for my own growth. Here, at the midpoint, there has been no loss; just more room for more me.

Photo: I asked Tricia to send a photo along with this piece. She sent this beautiful picture of herself and her son, and these words – “I’m attaching a picture of myself at 21, a young mother with my then 5-month-old firstborn.  It seems appropriate since before all this, I thought I knew how very blessed I was to have had my sons; only now, the blessing is so much deeper, having said good-bye to that part of myself that made them possible…”

Yesterday Rachel shared her views on motherhood. Today Grace offers her two cents, and her last two eggs…

Like Rachel, I’m heading down the road to forty, sans children. It’s interesting to note people’s reactions when they hear that I’m almost forty and have no kids. It ranges from complete surprise – I even had one clown ask me if I was sure I didn’t have any – to pity. I’ve actually seen the “bless her heart” look wash over people’s faces when I tell them I don’t have children. When I hit them with the next line “…and I’m not sure I want any” you could knock them over with a feather. I usually get that reaction from much older men (and some women) who can’t believe that I haven’t fulfilled the one thing they believe women were put on this earth to do. I can almost hear them saying “what a waste!”

I didn’t always hold the opinion that I’d never have kids. In fact as a teenager I did my senior service at Holy Name Hospital’s day care just so I could get the practice. As an adult, I’m the one rolling on the floor with the kids, playing silly games with them and generally having a ball. For a little while. After about the 23rd “do that again!” I’m good with the kid thing for about a month. When it occurred to me that with my own children it wouldn’t be that easy (or legal) to walk away, I started wondering if I was really cut out for this parenting thing. Then I got a dog and realized (to my own shame) that when he tailed me through the house from room to room and sat staring in my face blankly for hours, it kinda got on my nerves (yeah, just call me Oscar the Grouch.) With the dog, I’d throw a bone in the back yard, close the door behind him, get my freedom back for the next few hours and then be glad for his company again. Apparently you shouldn’t do that with small children.

At 39 1/2 I’ve become accustomed to being responsible for myself and myself alone. Some people say that’s selfish. I think it’s actually the opposite. I think being realistic about your age, your situation and circumstances, your strengths and weaknesses, despite the chorus of voices in society telling you that you should have a child, you should be married at your age, is actually a smart thing to do. I think, like Rachel does, that deciding not to have a child until or unless you meet a man who you know will make a great father, is a tough decision, but a wise one. I’ve always said, a man can be a lousy husband/boyfriend and still be a great father, but a bad father will never make a good husband or boyfriend. If he ignores, neglects, abuses or abandons his children, he’ll ignore, neglect, abuse and/or abandon his wife or girlfriend. Isn’t choosing your mate and the father of your children one of the most important decisions you’ll make in your life? Why then should you rush to do it just because you’re almost forty?

I think I probably have a couple of good eggs left. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone who’ll change my point of view about having children before the expiration date runs out (tick tock). But as my dog sits staring in my face for the cazillionth time today, willing me to do some Jedi dog mind reading tricks and understand his every need and desire, I’m thinking… eh, not so much.

Today Rachel touches on a topic that’s on the minds of many women at forty – motherhood. If you’re forty or almost there, and you’re not a mom, then people either want to know what’s wrong with you, or they want to know what’s really wrong with you. It seems as though it’s impossible for some people to wrap their minds around women who either choose to wait for the right man with whom to have children or decide that having children isn’t for them.  Rachel helps shed some light on the thinking behind those choices…

I’m nearing forty and I am unmarried and without children. It seems that almost daily I read about a 50+ aged woman who is pregnant or recently gave birth or I see toddlers with parents who look old enough to be their grandparents—which means the parents have to be at least 70 because with Botox, Restalyne and plastic surgery being so popular, only homeless people and hippies look their age anymore, right?

I always wanted to have children. From the moment I got my “Baby Alive” doll, fed her and changed her diaper, I felt maternal pangs and knew that I wanted to be called “Mommy” when I grew up. I became the neighborhood babysitter by 10 or 11 years old. Yes, I know that is illegal today, but back then children were allowed to be mature and independent so I helped with homework, heated up dinner and put younger kids to bed while their parents were out, for about $4 per hour.

I’m a somewhat traditional person and I believe in the institution of marriage and the idea of a two-parent household. No matter how good-looking, charming or successful a suitor was, I was always more concerned with what type of husband and father he would be. While looks, common interests and shared musical tastes may have gotten us to the point where he popped the question and offered the ring, only knowing that he would be a loving and responsible parent could seal the deal. More than one engagement was called-off once I saw a fiancé interact with a child.

My biological clock was on snooze for many, many years because I simply did not feel that any man I met or dated would make a suitable father. I had an idea of how tall he should be and what sort of physique and profession he should have, etc, but most important to me was what values he would instill in our children and how he would treat us as his family. Would he put our well-being ahead of a new 60-inch television? Would he be patient and kind with a confused little person? Would he refrain from screaming and cursing at me during heated moments because he knew he was setting an example for his children?

After many years and several relationships, there was still no alarm, no ticking sound emanating from my biological clock. I made sure it didn’t need to be wound or have the battery replaced, but everything was in fine working order. I just hadn’t found anyone who would set off the bells and whistles. I became godmother and “Auntie” to several of my friends’ children and reveled in the fact that I could enjoy the pleasures of quasi-parenting without having to change diapers, clean up vomit or watch Yo Gabba Gabba ad infinitum.

I learned not to be offended when rude people asked if there was something wrong with my reproductive organs or found it incredulous that an attractive and intelligent 30+ woman could be divorced, childless and not having a nervous breakdown or putting sperm banks on speed dial. I learned that many people do not share my ideals and values so while for them single-parenthood is an option, for me it is not. My child needs and deserves two parents because someone has to keep me from sliding off the rails and I know I can’t do that and raise a well-adjusted child by myself.

Somehow, over a period of time the maternal pangs subsided and I became content to have nieces, nephews, godchildren and random little brothers and sisters upon whom I could dote and with whom I could play. I could enjoy shopping for adorable baby clothes without increasing the inventory of my vast stretch mark collection. I could endure sleepless nights by choice and not due to midnight feedings, late-night thirst and under-bed checks for monsters. I could enjoy a varied palate that does not include chicken fingers, french fries or grilled cheese sandwiches and no one would need to drag out the Big Green Clean Machine after my meal. At some point in my thirties it became okay not to be a mother.

Ironically, I’ve been feeling pangs for the last few months. It seems that meeting THE right man will do that to you. But I have to be honest and pragmatic before making any rash or sentimental decisions… Neither of us is “young.” Would we have the energy, stamina and patience to become parents at this late stage in the game? Are we still selfless enough to put a child first, rather than ourselves—or have we passed that point of no return where we are past flexible adults and going full-steam ahead toward crotchety old folks? Only time and introspective reflection will tell, but in the meantime, I’m going to sleep as late as I’d like to this weekend, watch a couple of Rated R movies and walk around the house naked. It’ll either remind us of the joys of childlessness or perhaps contribute to the behavior that leads to becoming parents.

Rachel Dachel is a freelance writer and editor, and creator and author of the blog Rachel-y Motivated Incidents.

Alzheimer’s or CRS (Can’t Remember Sh*t)

I came to the conclusion several years ago that I would end up in a nursing home, babbling about the good old days.  I made my husband promise to wipe the drool from the corners of my mouth and make sure I didn’t look crazy.  I believed I was suffering from early onset Alzheimer’s because I was gradually losing my memory.  At first I blamed it on my pregnancy of my youngest daughter but that was 6 3/4 years ago and its gotten progressively worse.  I would forget my hair & nail appointments, forget to pickup dry cleaning, forget to make doctor’s appointments and call people.  Now, I know what you are thinking – WRITE IT DOWN, MAKE A LIST!  That’s the main problem -  I have always written everything down and plan my life with the Franklin Covey planning system that I have been using  since 1994.  I was only using it for work but about 4 years ago started using it for my personal affairs because  I had pissed many people off because of my forgetful ways.

In the last year it’s gotten so bad that I set reminders in my phone to alarm me every time I need to do something on my To Do list.  I said to myself “Self…you turned forty this year and you are falling apart.  You can’t remember sh*t (CRS).  Go get a CAT scan and see if you have early onset Alzheimer’s.  DONT FORGET!”  I went in for my annual checkup in April (which I almost forgot about but thank God they called me to confirm the day before) and explained my concerns to the doctor.  He asked my family history and ruled out Alzheimer’s.  He started asking me all sorts of silly questions and implied that I “needed to talk to someone.”  We all know what that means – it’s code for Rubber Room, Couch Time, Straight Jacket – the “other” doctor.  I guess I wasn’t getting the CAT scan.  He gave me the number to call and made me promise that I would (I did, but my fingers were crossed behind my back so it doesn’t count).

I debated if I would call the shrink and convinced myself that I wasn’t losing my mind.  However, in August that same year I double booked appointments!  I got the “where the hell are you” phone call while at the 2nd event.  I knew then that maybe I was going crazy and needed to talk to someone and convince the doctor I needed that CAT scan.  I called the number the next day and tried to schedule an appointment with the shrink.  We were on the phone for about 15 minutes trying to figure out when I would come in and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I hung up (I told her that I would call her back but it was a big, fat, juicy lie).  I went back over the last year of planning pages in my Franklin Covey (don’t laugh – a lot of people keep their old planning pages & calendars from years back) and a light bulb went on over my head.  My planning pages were filled with every appointment scheduled, every errand that needed to be done and every work related items that needed to be completed but EVERYTHING in those pages had to do with someone else!

Also each day was filled to capacity – all lines were filled!  My planner was filled with kid related events – Christmas concerts, kid doctor appointments, pee wee basketball practice, Girl Scouts, etc.  My personal schedule was not in there!

I immediately went to Starbucks (I think better with a latte), sat down with the planner & pages and thought about all the missed appointments and phone calls and late (and wrong) showings.  Everything missed was MY personal stuff.  How was it that everyone else’s stuff was in MY planner?  I was relieved that I didn’t have early onset Alzheimer’s but pissed that I let myself become last in my own plans.  When I turned  forty, I did an evaluation of my life and the people and things in it.  My schedule was the one thing I didn’t evaluate. I went through it with a fine tooth comb.  I discovered that as my girls have gotten older, their lives have gotten busier; almost as busy as mine.  They had taken over my life…and planner.  I had to take action and fix this problem.  So I sat there with my latte and a slice of lemon loaf (I also think better with desserts) and hashed out a plan.

The end result was that I simplified my schedule.  All kid events are written on a white board in the kitchen.  Every morning, at a glance I know what day what kid has PE, library, practices, dance, Girl Scouts and school activities.  MY planner contains only MY stuff.  I’m even trying to convert myself to fully utilize my Blackberry (hell, I pay enough for it so it should work for me) because I like my calendar alerts and easy internet access.  I haven’t missed anything or been late to anything in several months.  So in the end, I suffered from CRS but with a detailed diagnosis, a latte and a slice of cake, I cured myself.

Tanya

Tanya’s an “exceptional military wife and extraordinary mother of two who has rediscovered life, love and a new reality” at age forty.  She’s a friend and frequent contributor to Women at Forty.