Before, I felt it was my civic duty to right every wrong and stand up for every underdog there was.  I thought that I needed to voice my opinion and concern on every topic, argument and general discussion that I took part in.  Hell, I even butted into conversations because I KNEW my feelings and opinions were so strong and were so important to the world that everyone needed to hear them!  I was passionate; I needed to right wrongs and injustices. I needed to stand on my soapbox and shout to anyone who would listen about any topic that I was an “expert” on (trust me – there are many).  Maybe that’s why I majored in Political Science in college – to justify my arguing.  For years I gave my opinion, requested or not, positive or negative for everything and anything under the sun.   Needless to say (even though most advice was good, sound advice) I have stepped on A LOT of toes.

This year, the year of my fortieth birthday, I had an epiphany -  even though I think my opinions should be valued, the reality is that I need to shut the HELL up!!!  (Actually, I was thinking the F word).  I looked around one morning and realized that I am the oldest one amongst my friends AND because I live on a military base, most of the mother’s of my 2nd grader’s friends are at least 15 years younger than me.  When listening to them, they seemed opinionated and obnoxious. Also, in the 20 to 25 years that they had been alive, they knew everything there was about everything.  Regardless of the fact that  1) none of them had graduated from college; 2) none had worked in corporate America or the “real” world (outside the safety of the military base); or 3) none had never lived on their own -  they had done it all and then some.  There were so many things that I tried to discuss with them and tried to advise them.  I wanted to tell them and teach them about life, love, hard work, ethics, selflessness and proper planning.  Can you believe they didn’t need or want my advice? Are they crazy?  No, maybe I was the crazy one!  To them I was just the “old lady” that “didn’t understand what they were going thru” because I was so much older and times have changed since I was their age.  That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks – my opinions are and have only been important to ME!  I don’t need to make people see my point of view or change their minds on any subject or even persuade them to share the same views as me.  Wow…all these years and that never occurred to me.  I thought my opinion was the end all, be all and the day that I didn’t have a thought, opinion or suggestion would stop the world from spinning on it’s axis.  Not true.  The earth didn’t stop moving and the sky didn’t fall.  NOTHING HAPPENED!

The old me would have challenged those youngins!  The old me would bragged about all the places I’ve been and the experiences I had and everything that has made me the strong woman I am today.  I wished that someone would have warned me about half the s**t I know now.  But instead, I smiled and said “have it your way but HONEY…I have lived twice the life you will wish for.  Good luck”  Then I shut the F*** up and walked away.

I have officially retired my soapbox.  The only people that are forced to deal with my thoughts, opinions and suggestions are my daughters and my husband and I’m ok with that.  Instantly, my life was simplified because I wasn’t obligated to defend the masses and conquer the world.  Everything is much simplier with silence.

Tanya

Photo: Tanya’s Good luck pose

When did you have the epiphany that the earth won’t stop moving and the sky won’t fall if you keep your opinion to yourself? I have to admit, I’m still working on that one.  Share your epiphany at forty in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

Talk about a light bulb moment. My anger and frustration immediately left me. I’ve since heard the expression said many ways, most memorable, “when people show you who they are believe them.” Anyway you say it, it rings true. That day I realized for the first time that I was being pushy and arrogant for expecting her to be a different kind of person just because I wanted her to be.

From friends, to family, to boyfriends and husbands, understanding who people are at their core is key to maintaining your own sanity. I liken it to women who knowingly begin relationships with married men, only to be shocked when they learn that that married man is also “cheating” on them with another woman. Yeah, the lesson I learned that day has saved me a world of hurt over the years, and because of that I’ll always consider it the best piece of advice I ever got.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever gotten? Was it a hard pill to swallow, or did you have a cloud clearing, light bulb moment like I did? Share your “best piece of advice” story here in the comment section, on our Facebook fan page, or tweet us @womenatforty.

Photo Source

If you’re not familiar with the challenge, it’s where we ask our readers to answer five questions. The challenge is two-fold. The first is getting 100 women to respond. The second, and even more challenging, is getting them to answer each question using three words or less (it’s not as easy as it sounds!) The goal is to see how much alike, and different, forty year old women around the world really are.

As you can imagine, the responses thus far have been really interesting. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that many of us list “finishing school” as the answer to the “Three 6 Mafia” question.  Whether it’s medical school or a bachelor’s degree, at forty, many women have their sites set on going back to school. For many of us, weight – or as Rachel put it, “my ass”  – is the monkey on our back we can’t shake (see “The life I’d Planned”). Relationships have simultaneously been our biggest regret and the thing we’re most proud of.  Whether it was the Greek, that first husband, or the three divorces, even at forty, wading through the relationship waters, for some of us at least, hasn’t gotten any easier. Other women listed their marriages and children as the thing they’re most proud of.

If you haven’t yet participated in our 5 question challenge, click here to include your answers (anonymously if you’d like) on our site. You can also add comments on our Facebook Fan page or follow us on Twitter. If you’ve got something to say and three words just won’t cut it, email us at contribute@womenatforty.com. We’d love to post your Women at Forty story on the site. Finally, if you’re reading Women at Forty from somewhere other than the U.S., here’s a challenge within a challenge for you – be the first Woman at Forty from your country to share your story with the rest of the world. We’d love to hear from you!

Here’s the latest sampling of responses to our “100 women, 5 questions, 3 words or less challenge”…

Tamika

1. Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? buy a vacation home in another country
2. Biggest regret? not going to graduate school
3. The thing(s) you’re most proud of? my children and not giving up on my dreams
4. The monkey on your back you can’t shake? never feeling good enough
5. Finish this sentence (ok, so technically it’s not a question) – If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can… win one too!

“HereandNow”

1. Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? Moving out
2. Biggest regret? Feeling apologetic
3. The thing(s) you’re most proud of? Remaining calm
4. The monkey on your back you can’t shake? White cheddar popcorn
5. If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can… still go to med school

Teresa

1. Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? Got a divorce
2. Biggest regret? 2 marriages!
3. The thing(s) you’re most proud of? New younger boyfriend
4. The monkey on your back you can’t shake? Those 2 divorces!
5. Finish this sentence (ok, so technically it’s not a question) – If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can… be totally happy.

Dorothy

1.Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? Leave everything behind and move to Granton, WI.
2.Biggest regret? Not finishing nursing school.
3.The thing(s) you’re most proud of? My Familia all of them.
4.The monkey on your back you can’t shake?…Smoking
5.Finish this sentence (ok, so technically it’s not a question) – If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can…Finish school

Reese

1. Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? month in europe
2. Biggest regret? not enough sex
3. The thing(s) you’re most proud of? happily single
4. The monkey on your back you can’t shake? a wicked ex
5. If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can too!

1. Older brothers, although loud, sweaty and annoying, will protect your honor, pave the way for you with your parents and one day become the men of whom you are more proud than you can express.
2. When your grandparents smother you with kisses and hugs and fawn all over you… When your maternal grandmother crochets sweaters, scarves and blankets for you and your paternal grandmother teaches you to bake coconut cakes and takes you shopping at Bamberger’s… When your grandpa takes you fishing on the Vineyard and your Pop introduces you to the music of Miles Davis, Benny Goodman and Dave Brubeck… When they tell you the stories of your familial history and remind you how important it is to act with integrity and the value of your reputation—CHERISH those moments! You’ll find those moments comforting for the rest of your life and you will be eternally grateful for having had the privilege of knowing such interesting and honorable people.
3. Define yourself; don’t let others do it for you. I assure you that in 10, 15, 20 years and beyond, you won’t really care who thinks you aren’t black enough or that you talk too properly or that you must be stuck-up because you don’t want to go to the party. In your 30s, you will not remember their names—until they request to friend you on Facebook and you end up having to de-friend them or put them on privacy lock-down because they are entirely too interested in the minutia of your life.
4. Enjoy carefree summers on Fire Island or the Vineyard while you can! Soon, between global warming, UV rays and obnoxious tourists, the summer sanctuary of your childhood will become a very, very different place. Enjoy digging for sand crabs and poking jellyfish with a stick as they will become stories of legend you will tell your children, nieces and nephews.
5. Know the difference between friends and acquaintances. Acquaintances are people you know, you speak to regularly and you hang out with occasionally. Friends are people who know you—warts and all. You might speak to them regularly, but even if you don’t, you pick up where you left off as though no time has passed. Every truly great time in your life included or was the result of one of your true friends. Oh—VERY important: relatives can be some of your best friends ever.
6. Trust your heart. When you get a bad feeling and something doesn’t sit well with you, go with it. Walk away knowing that your instincts are correct. Also, trust your heart when you walk into a room and meet someone whose presence makes your heart flutter and gives you a sense of calm at the same time. Trust your heart and believe in love and the fact that you deserve someone wonderful, honest, intelligent, funny, strong, honorable and handsome to boot!
7. Be more of afraid of “I wonder what would’ve happened if I had…?” than “Oh… So THAT’S what happens!” It’s easier for me to know that I’ve made a mistake and learned from it than to constantly wonder what might have been.
8. Beware Greeks bearing gifts—especially if the gift is an engagement ring and you know you have no business marrying this man and that the past several years together were made possible—in no small part—by plenty of ouzo and the bribery of his mother’s baklava.
9. Give yourself a break! As long as you are still breathing and can walk and dig a whole, tomorrow is another opportunity to learn from, fix—or in some cases hide the mistakes you’ve already made.
10. Do not believe that life in the year 2000 will be anything like “The Jetsons.” There will be no flying cars or robotic maids. The only moving sidewalks will be in airports and will largely be used to transport the laziest herds of sheeple from the Starbucks at Gate 3 to the Starbucks at Gate 5.
11. Learn to laugh at yourself! If you cannot laugh at yourself then you really shouldn’t be laughing at anyone else. Be solemn and serious when you have to be, but enjoy the rest of life!
12. Remember your first kiss and your first real crush! Save stupid things like the Pink Panther shorts you stole from him or the tissue he gave you when he wiped the tears from your eyes as you parted and said “À bientôt!” Years later you will laugh hysterically when you find the tissue in a ZipLoc bag and he will be flattered when you meet again and have his long lost shorts.
13. Surround yourself with brilliant, beautiful, spiritual, kind, loving and forgiving people. Other people are not worth your time and effort and these people will contribute to your life in immeasurable ways.

Photo: Rachel (about 1 1/2 years old) and her brother Roland

20 things you need to know

I wish I could protect you from, and prepare you for all that lies ahead, but I can’t. No one can really. But what I can do is share some things that only I’ll be able to. Some people think the past, present and future are all happening at once, so who knows. I know you won’t understand everything I’m saying, but take notes, you’ll need them.

1. Some of the people in your life will disappoint you, lie to you, hurt you. Some of them are just stupid. Others are just evil. Forgive them all, stupid and evil alike, and move on. Remember what they did and learn from it. Don’t hold what they’ve done to you against anyone else.
2. That thing you want to do with your hair in the eighties. Don’t. You leave dozens of grease spots up and down the east coast because of it, and Chris Rock will mock it mercilessly in a documentary he releases in 2009.
3. Try to get that eating thing under control early – believe me, you’ll be fighting that battle for years. In the meantime, live your life and do the things you want to do, regardless of what the scale says.
4. You’re going to have several really great ideas for businesses. Instead of talking yourself out of it, just do it. You are smarter, stronger and more resilient than you know.
5. You know how they said it would be too difficult to be a successful, black, female journalist? Oprah’s like the richest person on the planet now. Seriously. Don’t listen to them.
6. Learn early to worry less about what people think about you. The truth is, people spend a lot less time thinking about you than you know.
7. Back in college, that cute guy that kinda looked like Tom Hanks liked you. Do NOT look at him like he’s crazy when he wants to work on “the project” at your house. That old dude on the other hand is just a freak. Stay away from him.
8. Those two annoying, screaming things that invaded your “only child” sanctuary will become your best friends and biggest supporters.
9. When people show you who they are, please, please, PLEASE believe them. It will save you years of heartache.
10. Relationships aren’t always easy, but they shouldn’t always be hard. If you spend most of your time wondering if it’s worth it, it’s not.
11. When you go to light that grill in ‘91, take a couple quick steps back. Blonde eyelashes and eyebrows are not a good look on you.
12. Credit cards are not free money. Stop using them to make yourself feel better. In the end you’ll only feel worse and be broke.
13. The stock market crashes on October 19, 1987 and again on September 16, 2008. If you have anymore money in the future than I did, move it!
14. On September 11, 2001 the world changes forever.
15. Do you know who Barack Obama is? You will in 2008.
16. That thing you’re crying your eyes out about at ages 14-16, 18, 23 and 25, in a couple of months you won’t even remember what all the drama was about.
17. He’s not coming back. Don’t wait for him. Don’t wait for that other one either.
18. Do you even know where Italy is? Well, in about 30 years, you spend two weeks there and it’s even more beautiful than you ever imagined. One day you’re going to live there. (If Three 6 Mafia…)
19. All that time you spend waiting for Mr. Right, don’t. Instead, use the time to make sure you’re  not Ms. Wrong.
20. You’ve come a long way baby, and you’ve got a long way to go.

If you could send a message to your past self, what would it be, and what age would you send it to? Send a picture of and a message to your past self, to contribute@womenatforty.com and we’ll feature it on the site.

What can’t you believe you’re still doing at forty? Is there a habit you thought you’d have broken by now, a man you thought you’d have gotten over, or something or someone you can’t believe you’re still waiting for? Share it in the comment section, on our Facebook page or tweet it at twitter.com/womenatforty. We’ll share some of your best comments in a future post!

Image Source: Yiyo

As I draw closer to being forty years old, I try to accentuate the positive in my life. Rather than lamenting the gray hairs that are close to overtaking my “natural color” (yes, I consider the stuff from the bottle that matches the hair of my youth “natural,” just go with it on this, please), I celebrate the fabulous, effortless highlights I get when I color my hair. I rejoice in the confidence that comes from knowing myself on a deep and meaningful level that could only be possible after spending more than three decades exploring the mystery that is me.

I find myself and my girlfriends delighting in our self-awareness and the fact that we are strong, independent women. We are intelligent women—wives, mothers, sisters, friends, CEOs, teachers, attorneys, consultants, accountants and myriad other impressive titles. Collectively, we have traveled the world, battled cancer, brokered million-dollar deals, molded young minds, survived the heartbreak of losing a child, weathered the devastation of divorce and the pain of a full Brazilian bikini wax.

We’ve found the strength to strike out on our own when our employers have failed to realize our worth and we’ve managed to come back from the edge when we thought we could take no more. Some of us have stared down the barrel of spinsterhood without batting an eye, knowing that our sister-girls will be there for us in our golden years and that likely, that will work out better since they will alert us to toilet paper stuck to our shoes, lipstick on our teeth and precariously perched wigs.

We have supported one another through unemployment, bankruptcy, major surgery, baby-mama drama and times when we just needed a friend and a good cry. I sometimes find myself in awe of the women in my life, in awe of their beauty, courage, strength and tenacity. It is then that I am reminded why women bear the children and not men. I’d be willing to bet that all children would be only children if that were the case and that children would roam the streets in marauding hordes—wearing plastic bags, eating Power Bars and drinking Red Bull for sustenance.

I think of my mother, who raised three children as a divorcée in the 70s when corporate America still saw females as secretaries, assistants and receptionists. My mother may have started as the secretary, but she broke the glass ceiling and became the general sales manager at one of the top radio stations in New York City, despite being female and black.

I look at my cousin, Leslie, who in spite of having been laid off in November and already being a single mother, became guardian to another cousin’s ten-year-old son upon his mother’s sudden and untimely death. I marvel at my cousin Cheryll who always has time and a kind word for everyone. Cheryll is my counterpart in planning and executing all sorts of family functions, projects and parties, in addition to being a deaconess at her church and a loving wife, mother and grandmother. She really has it together, and even manages to always have a deck of cards in case an impromptu game of spades should break out.

I have been blessed to have forged true friendship with women like Rochelle and Carmen. The former is my second mother; we worked together in the early 90s while I lived across the country from my entire family. She said I was the first person to befriend her in a new office; I only recall someone once saying that I looked like I could be her daughter and her deciding that I should become a part of her family since my family was so far away and I looked the part anyway. The latter, Carmen, has been my hero for many years now. She somehow managed to balance career, marriage, motherhood and friendship while battling and beating breast cancer. She never lost her sense of humor or humanity either, and she makes the world’s greatest salsa.

I reflect upon all of these amazing women and I say to myself, “Well you must be doing something right, you must be someone special too.” After all, the company you keep is a direct reflection of yourself, right? Well, if that is the case, then I must be witty, resourceful, powerful, sharp, maternal, spiritual, confident, gifted, loving, generous and beautiful too. I’d love to believe that—really. I’d love to look in the mirror and see that the duckling has finally come into her own as a swan and embraced the magic and wonder that is her. But then I find myself rolling on the floor in pain from having fallen off of the stool in the dressing room while trying on jeans and attempting to find an angle that doesn’t make my behind look so big.

Maybe when I actually reach forty years old I’ll become that swan? I won’t hold my breath.

Rachel Dachel is a freelance writer and editor, and creator and author of the blog Rachel-y Motivated Incidents.

At forty I felt sexy without working at it.  As a 54-year-old woman I have to put a lot of effort into looking sexy.  I don’t care how old you get I believe women still want to be viewed as attractive and sexy.  But, the ability to do so diminishes markedly in your 50′s.  Sure there are women who can carry it off,  but they’re instantly recognizable because they’re trying so hard to look young it becomes painfully obvious they’re older than they look.

40 was also great because the future seemed boundless!  I believed the world was my oyster and I could achieve anything I desired.  At 54 reality has set in.  Sure I can still achieve a lot and hope to, but time itself has become a limitation.  It’s a much more finite quality for me now — and my mind play often centers on mortality and what lasting accomplishments I can make.

As I look back,  40 was a magical time for me.  In reality it had all the ups and downs of any other decade,  but it is an in-between time  — when you’re young enough to still enjoy some of the benefits of youth and old enough not to jump straight into the pitfalls.   It was a sweet time!

Pat’s statement “when you’re young enough to still enjoy some of the benefits of youth and old enough not to jump straight into the pitfalls” struck a chord with me. What are your thoughts?

Share them in the comment section, or on our Facebook Women at Forty fan site .

Cake image source: Cakecentral.com

Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty? Skydive naked, Embrace my age, Son’s first birthday Skinny dipping

Biggest regret? The Greek guy, A man, Loving Taco Bell, Not finishing school, Wouldn’t change a thing

The monkey on your back? My mother nagging, My weight, My inner critic

The answers keep coming, and I’ll keep sharing. You can check out all the responses here.

My observations so far 1) There appears to be at least a little planned nudity in our fortieth year, 2) men, of all ethnicities, seem to be some of our biggest regrets and 3) a lot of our monkeys are really heavy…

The Women at Forty Five Questions Challenge – 100 women, 5 questions, 3 words or less

We want 100 women to answer 5 questions in 3 words or less. As a woman whose nickname was the village lawyer as a child, I know how hard it is to answer any question in 3 words or less, but that’s why this is a challenge. As for getting 100 women to respond…if Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar…

So, here are the ground rules:

• Leave your responses in the comment section of this post
• Copy and past the question block, and type your answers next to the questions
• Include your name (screen name if you prefer to remain anonymous) and your age
• Answer each question in three words or less
• Any woman who’s turning forty soon (you decide what soon is) or been there-done that (no matter how long ago), can participate

And here are your five questions:

1. Most exciting thing you did/plan to do at forty?
2. Biggest regret?
3. The thing(s) you’re most proud of?
4. The monkey on your back you can’t shake?
5. Finish this sentence (ok, so technically it’s not a question) – If Three 6 Mafia can win an Oscar, I can…

Forward the challenge to your friends and keep up with everyone’s answers by clicking on the comment section of this post. You can also keep up with responses by clicking the five questions tag in the tag cloud located in the video box on the right side of our home page. To start us off, check out my answers here.

Become a fan of the Women at Forty page on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter @womenatforty.