You know how growing up you had friends who were so close you called them play cousins? He’s sort of like my play British boyfriend.  If play means he has no idea I exist.

This post actually started out as a Facebook status update in response to Idris Elba singing in his new(?) video (check out the video at the end of this post. Wait! Will you at least read the post first?)

Side note – Idris is an awesome actor, a VERY good looking man, and from what I understand a great DJ and entertainer.

And a VERY good looking man.

Singer? Not so much.

But, a few of us remarked on Facebook about how it really didn’t matter, especially since the lyrics and the tone of the video are so…delicious. The funniest response I saw went something like this, ” He could juggle bottles of pink oil moisturizer while tap-dancing to the macaerena. I’d still buy that ish on DVD…”  So there you go. Emotions run high when it comes to my man Eed (that’s what I call him on our play dates together.)

Anyway, all this Idris talk reminded me of the time I almost met him.

You see at one point Eed lived in Atlanta (maybe still does) in the townhome complex of the girl who did my hair, and I was over there once getting my wig busted and she went out to her mailbox while I was under the dryer and came back and told me Idris was just at the mailbox and I almost snatched the plastic cap off my head to go stare (stare because like, what would I say?) at him, but then I thought “Grace, the first time you meet Idris Elba you shouldn’t have deep conditioner dripping from your head. You probably shouldn’t anytime you meet Idris Elba, but certainly not the first time,” she said, in the run-on sentence from hell.

Some of my friends, being who they are, chimed in.  One very supportive and equally misguided friend suggested “Nonsense! He meets thousands of women. It is important to make a memorable impression.”  A friend more grounded in reality countered, “I agree it is important to make a memorable first impression. But I must add POSITIVE memorable impression.”

Long story short, I did NOT snatch the plastic cap off my head and go running out to stare at Eed. So, I may have missed my once in a lifetime opportunity to meet the man who today is asking me in this song to share a few secrets with him.

The moral of the story? The next time Idris Elba is picking up his mail, I will, plastic cap, deep conditioner and all, RUN to go meet him. And that, is no secret. Check out this video to see why…

The number one relationship mistake women make

One of the most common relationship mistakes Rachel sees women making is getting into relationships or marrying for the wrong reason. Rachel cautions women to enter a relationship and marry for the right reason, “not out of need, not out of desperation, not out of dependence.”  (Image: The Relationship Suite’s Ask the Relationship Expert)

The number one relationship advice she shares with women

Rachel says, “make sure you know yourself. Know what your vision is, your desires, your wants and needs. And really be independent on so many levels before you choose your partner. Not doing this builds resentment. When you’re in that place – the place where you know who you are – you’re more likely to attract someone who is your fit. Some women,” she continues, “are settling, but women must know it’s important to be hopeful and continue to work on themselves so that they can attract their own divine, right relationship.”

The infamous list

I’ve written about “The List” before. You know the list – it’s the one with all the qualities you seek in a mate. I asked Rachel what she thinks about these lists. She believes they can be a helpful tool for identifying what really matters. She says, “It’s important to have negotiables and non-negotiables, but it’s also important to be open.”

Ask The Relationship Expert

Women at Forty is joining forces with Rachel to help get real answers to our most intimate relationship questions. On her site, The Relationship Suite, Rachel has set up a free, confidential and secure environment to find those answers. To submit your relationship question, visit Ask the Relationship Expert and Rachel will reply to you directly.

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Rachel Moheban LCSW, is the creator of The Relationship Suite and The Ultimate Relationship Resolution Program.  For additional information about Rachel and to receive your free Relationship Suite Starter Kit, including a free five minute relationship assessment, visit her website, www.therelationshipsuite.com.

On Turning 40

“For me, 40 was revolutionary.” Rachel explains. “It’s a time when you really come into yourself in an incredible way. In his book, Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill says that between the ages of 40 and 60 we are our most creative, and I’ve found that to be true. At 40 I started developing my program and it’s the time when I learned the most emotionally and professionally.” Rachel also believes that we become more in tune with our spiritual selves in our 40s. She says, “if you can really tune into that, it’s miraculous.”

On The Ultimate Relationship Resolution Program

In practice for 15 years, Rachel notes that the average couple waits 7 years before deciding to go to therapy. By then she says, “the resentment has really grown and it becomes harder and harder for couples to communicate.” She saw that couples needed an additional resource to address the issues that most impacted them. Those issues are money, physical intimacy and anger. The program, which focuses on prevention and intervention, was created “for couples who need support in understanding and learning how to better get along with their partners.”  It’s also valuable for relationships with children, parents, colleagues and friends.  Rachel says the program, or “relationship toolkit” as she refers to it, is like Cliff Notes, “it’s a condensed version of countless books and seminars all rolled into material ready to give a quick start to more intimacy, well-being, a stronger relationship with your partner, and a happier life together.”

On building “The Relationship Suite”

As I’ve been doing with all our Women at Forty Whirly Girls I asked Rachel what advice she’d give to women running their own business. “Have confidence,” she says, “know yourself really well. Know your center, stay connected to your passion and where it takes you. It will be natural and organic if you’re connected.”

Wednesday: Rachel tells us the relationship mistake many women make, gives her opinion on the infamous “list” and shares her number one piece of relationship advice.

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Rachel Moheban, LCSW is the creator of The Relationship Suite and The Ultimate Relationship Resolution Program.  For additional information about Rachel and to receive a  free Relationship Suite Starter Kit, including a free five minute relationship assessment, visit her website, www.therelationshipsuite.com.

Editor’s note:

Top 3 Relationship Communication Tips

We’re always told how important good communication is to make a relationship work, but what does this really mean? On the surface, it seems straightforward and logical, right? So you and your partner need to talk and express your feelings….to be open, direct and honest.

Easier said than done! Add human emotion, different backgrounds/personalities and personal limitations into the mix, and many couples are left feeling conflicted and helpless. Good communication does not usually come naturally in a long-term relationship, and both partners need to work on getting their communication momentum right to achieve a harmonious relationship.

Here are some communication tips to help you along the way:

1. Listen – the importance of listening to each other cannot be stressed enough. How are couples supposed to fulfill each other’s needs if there is no reciprocal listening? This type of listening is not simply hearing words, but involves empathy, sensitivity and understanding of the message that your partner is trying to convey.
2. Act – once you have heard and understand what your partner is trying to say, act on it. If its something that involves a change in your relationship, or in a behavior that is bothering your partner, there is no better way to show that you care than by working on changing the issue.
3. Appreciate – whenever you see your partner making an effort to listen to you, to act on what you have communicated, and even to communicate well with you, don’t forget to say ‘thank-you’ and to show appreciation for the effort that he/she is putting into your relationship. Wouldn’t you be happy if your partner did the same for you?

Try these tips as a first step to improving the communication in your relationship and I’d love to hear how it goes!

To Greater Intimacy,

Rachel Moheban,LCSW

Rachel Moheban LCSW, is the creator of The Relationship Suite and The Ultimate Relationship Resolution Program.  For additional information about Rachel and to receive your free Relationship Suite Starter Kit, including a free five minute relationship assessment, visit her website, www.therelationshipsuite.com.

Editor’s Note: In today’s post Esther Kane talks about finding closure in relationships. In it she shares the story of a woman who finds herself repeating the negative messages she’d received from her father in her current relationship. In these situations Esther suggests using letter writing as a tool for finding closure.  I’m definitely going to give the exercise a try. My hope is that doing so will put an end to some of the gnawing conversations I still have with myself over mistakes I’ve made in past relationships. Maybe it will do the same for you…

In my therapy practice, the work lately seems to be about helping clients release and let go of ‘unfinished business’ from the past; whether it’s an old romance that still niggles away at their psyche, healing from a past trauma, or coming to terms with one’s family-of-origin and learning to reposition oneself in our families as the adult women we are now, rather than reacting like the child we used to be.

For example, one client came to me because she was having trouble trusting the new partner in her life, even though they were getting along and he treated her very well. She couldn’t shake the belief that he would one day discover that she ‘wasn’t worthy’ of him and trade her in for a prettier, younger version.

I hear this story a lot for some reason- as an unbiased observer, it always strikes me as ludicrous because the woman sitting before me is inevitably bright, beautiful, and lovely with everything going for her. But hey, I’ve been there myself so no judgment on my end.

Once we examined her family-of-origin and recent relationship history, it became extremely understandable why she was having this particular reaction to her new mate. As a child, her father didn’t ‘get’ her because she was shy and sensitive and needed emotional connection from him and he was the exact opposite temperament. This set up a devastating dynamic for the little girl who always felt that her daddy was rejecting her and came to the conclusion that because he was uncomfortable around her and couldn’t meet her emotional needs that there was something horribly defective about her-that she was basically unlovable.

Fast-forward twenty years when she’s in a long-term relationship and chooses a partner just like daddy- who doesn’t ‘get’ her and is emotionally unavailable- and you have a formula for lifelong pain and suffering. In fact, the boyfriend before her latest love went even further than her father had- he kept leaving her, and thus, she was always on edge when they’d reunite, wondering when the other shoe would drop once again and she’d be without him.

With this background context, it’s understandable why she was having such trouble trusting her new boyfriend and believing that he was actually there for her and wasn’t going anywhere. What was extremely helpful for this particular woman was to gain an understanding of where all of these anxious thoughts and feelings came from (i.e., past experiences with men), letting go of judging herself for having them, and instead, finding some closure with her father and the previous boyfriend who had helped create this state of high anxiety for her in relationships with men.

One of the best methods I know for obtaining closure with the past is through letter writing. This is what I prescribed to this particular client and it worked wonders. In her case, I suggested she write letters to both her father and the most recent ex that she did not send to them. This part is extremely important! This exercise is for your own therapy and can cause terrible boomerang effects if it’s shared with the people you have unfinished business with. You write such a letter by stating the facts of what happened in the past between the two of you and what they did or said to you specifically that has caused damage. Then you write about how the behavior and/or words affected you and how it’s still affecting you now (especially in your current relationships), and why you want to let it go for good.

If you don’t feel safe leaving this writing to be found by others, simply type it out in a blank Word document and delete it immediately after writing so there is no trace of it for others to find later on.

Then write a letter to your inner child (the darling little girl you once were and still are inside) stating the opposite of what you were taught that was so damaging. In the case, my client told her little girl that she was totally lovable and deserved a wonderful man who could give her what she needed. She also told her that the big her (i.e., the adult she is now) totally loves and accepts the little girl exactly as she is and that she deserves all that she desires in relationships.

Try it out for yourself and see what happens. And if you have some epiphany, please e-mail me at: esther@estherkane.com with your story and I may write about it in a future e-zine or blog (keeping your name completely anonymous of course).

Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counselling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can learn more about Esther on her website www.estherkane.com.

This article was originally posted on www.estherkane.com. It is reposted with the author’s permission.

In my pre-twelve little girl eyes, my mother was everything I wanted to be. My memory paints pictures of my mother in swimming watercolor, like the paintings she’d made when she was a girl. Paintings that had been hung in Jamaica’s Devon House, a prominent government building where she had worked in the gift shop long before I entered her imagination. When I picture her in the early days of my childhood, I see a hard-working, determined student and superb mathematician studying by the singular circle of light thrown on the dining table from the lamp above. (Photo: my mother the Jamaican Beauty)

Tendrils of cigarette smoke clambering, full of motion, moved about her face and lovely dark hair. Beads of sweat clung to her upper lip, the tip of her tongue poked out of the corner of her closed mouth the way it does when she is concentrating, a trait both of my sons carry.

Beyond a student, my mother was a self-reliant grease monkey who banged away under the hood of her car, fixing things her mechanic father had taught her to fix. She would stand fearlessly on a ladder changing light bulbs, changing fuses, putting together bookshelves, installing appliances. Too, she could be an elegant, stately hostess in flowing pink silk, her hair carefully curled and in its proper place. On those occasions, she stood before extravagant meals, hosting dinner parties. She had a raucous, shameless laugh, irrepressible and contagious for her guests.

When I was about six years old, my grandmother showed me a photograph of my mother that had appeared in a Jamaica Tourist Board’s brochure. “She was eighteen,” was my grandmother’s only remark as she carefully removed the rubber band that held the tattered and faded brochure together. It was a small headshot, a profile of her striking young face. Her huge doe eyes were turned toward the camera, framed by the dark, heavy arcs of her eyebrows. Her flawless cinnamon-colored skin was accented by high wide cheekbones, the gift my grandmother passed on to all of her children. Silken black curls had escaped the upsweep of her hair and hung loosely about her face. From the one visible ear hung a ceramic “bunch of banana” earring the photographer had asked her to model for a catalog. She had agreed, she told me later, only because he’d promised her face would not appear. The photo turned up in the brochure months later, along with the caption “Jamaican Beauty.”

Monday: Sometimes parents teach us what not to do. Part 2 of A Jamaican Beauty

I wrote this last year after the nature of a few of my relationships changed. I realized that it wasn’t the other person that changed, it was me. I’d decided I no longer wanted to pretend to be ok with the way things were, and as a consequence, I was probably no longer considered  by them to be very nice. Welcome to my “new nice.”

A friend recently released a children’s book called Nice to be Nice. She’s also a blogger, so we frequently find ourselves discussing the nice and not so nice behavior of the people around us. Whether it’s the mother allowing her toddler to scream his way through the grocery store, or it’s the man who, tiring of the display, smacks the kid square in the mouth, something’s just a bit off in society today. I think some adults have forgotten, and many kids just don’t know that it really is nice to be nice. That said, as I get older I find myself embracing a different kind of nice.

In my twenties, being nice meant having conversations with people I knew were lying to me, and not calling them on it. It meant being so concerned about hurting someone else’s feelings that I allowed them to hurt mine. It meant being aware of people’s negative attitudes but pretending to be ok with it anyway. And it meant doing things I didn’t want to do, even when I knew doing them wasn’t right for me. I did all of those things because I wanted to be nice. I didn’t want to rock the boat, and I wanted to avoid having certain conversations with certain people, at all cost.

But I had a light bulb moment almost ten years ago. I wrote about it last week, in the best advice I ever got.  It was during this conversation that my friend asked me why I got so upset when she did and said the things she did and said. The same things she’d been doing and saying for years. She was absolutely right to ask the question. And for years, I’d been too “nice” to tell her that many of the things she’d done had hurt me deeply. To preserve the friendship I let those things slide. As a result, I grew to resent her, and more importantly myself, for not thinking enough of myself to end a friendship that had become toxic. I vowed then, never again to be “so nice” that I lose myself in the process.

For the most part, I’ve kept my promise.  While the 20’s me would ignore my spirit telling me “girl, now you know something is wrong with this picture”  the soon to be 40 me has a BS meter so finely calibrated that I can spot a crock while it’s still being formed in someone’s head and shut it down before it has a chance to do damage. It’s a great skill to have.  Having it means that sometimes I stop BS-ers dead in their tracks. As a result, BS-ers do not think I’m nice. Neither do people who always want something for nothing, people who take others for granted, nor do the married men whom I immediately shut down when they, wedding ring securely on ring finger, “just want to holler at me for a minute.” These people don’t think I’m nice, and I don’t want them to.

Over the years, I’ve lost sight of my “new nice” a few times, but these days it’s much easier to be me, even if it means someone doesn’t like me. I help old people cross the street, offer rides to friends in need and genuinely wish real joy and success for everyone who crosses my path. I celebrate when the underdog wins and I’m frustrated when the greedy seem to prosper on the backs of the weak.  I’m as nice as the next guy – or girl. But I’ve tempered my niceness with a bit of wisdom. My mother would call it discernment. I call it my “new nice.”

Have you redefined your nice? How? Share your definition of nice in the comment section, on our Facebook Fan page or on Twitter @womenatforty.

As a thirty-three-year old divorcee, I slept around a lot. There, I’ve committed it to paper. I own it.

I had married far too young, and I had struggled hard to realize that married (to that man, at least) was NOT what I was supposed to be just yet. I took my hard-won freedom in hand and ran it amok. I take my responsibility for that very seriously, but I know too that this was about more than being a gay divorcee discovering (or corrupting) herself.

With no father—a father who chose not to be there—I grew up thinking that something had to be terribly wrong with a little girl whose father refused her. And during a large portion of my girlhood, a relative sexually abused me, lovingly. That’s a strange thing to say, I know. But more important and unfortunate is that I learned from the abuse the erroneous tenet that sex and love—male love at least—had everything to do with each other.

My marriage taught me otherwise, but I didn’t learn that lesson very well, for there still exists the lonely, sad little girl within me. When the marriage was over, I continued my quest for the love I never had, linking that with the desire I had so terribly conflated with what it was I truly wanted. Now, at thirty-nine (hear the six-week bell chiming?), I’ve had many lovers, but very little love. I’m alone, and most of the time that’s okay with me. As Sula says in the Toni Morrison classic of the same name, “My alone is mine. Nobody gave it to me by leaving.”

But a strange thing happened this very afternoon when a well-loved ex-boyfriend popped up on Facebook with this message: I’m dying to get back between those legs. To this I responded: That’s it?! Go ahead and DIE. And there it was—one of many epiphanies I’ve had this year: I’m tired of being treated like some usable object that can be taken down from a dusty shelf occasionally and used at will. It’s my own fault, I thought through my tears. I will always be treated this way if don’t let that little girl inside me rest.

As she tried to comfort me, my daughter listened to me tell her to never give herself or her body away. She, like me, had no father to protect her from abuse or to teach her what love from a man could be. DON’T, I told her—you want love more than sex. And the two things can be mutually exclusive much of the time if you let them. If you behave like a woman willing to give her body away, you’ll always be exactly that and nothing more: A willing woman.

There’s so much about turning forty that feels good, so many flowers of opportunity in bloom on the landscape ahead. But turning around to face what’s behind me, discovering the unhappy truths of the woman I was before feels like opening the gut with a dull blade. Open it I must if I am ever to reach the forty of my dreams. I want to greet forty with the joy and wonder of a little girl finding herself in a land enchanted. As for the little girl I myself was, I am eyeing her closely and hoping that my nearly forty-year-old hand stretched to hers will appear to her as the one she can trust. I hope to lead her to the land enchanted by the gifts of responsibility and love—the true love—she always wanted.

To share your “40 story” with The Women at Forty Project, email us at contribute@womenatforty.com.

Tricia Amiel on Tricia: After ten years of teaching English, I’ve finally begun to live my dream of being a working writer.  Lucky me.  I have three children 19, 19, and 9…a little poetic.  Life is good. I’m also a freelance writer, editor, and proofreader available for work.  For additional information or to contact Tricia, email us at info@womenatforty.com.

Looking back over my numerous lists I can’t help but laugh at some of the qualities I thought were essential when I was younger. One particularly embarrassing desire I held was to have a man who could sing and play football. Not necessarily at the professional level (because that would be ridiculous) but I imagine I must have thought that the combination of singing and football would somehow get me out of a major life jam sometime in the future. I even found an entry about my dream man having long eyelashes – because you know, that’s the telltale sign of a good man.

When I was going through my Maxwell phase I needed a man with big, wild, out-of-this-world hair. And after a waiter sent shivers down my spine at a restaurant in New York, I was determined to find someone who made me feel the same way every single day of my life. I’ve yet to find either. Then there was the 6’2” or taller height requirement, the great dresser requirement and let’s not forget the “corporate type” requirement. That was until I realized that most men who were always in a suit and tie were always working and/or were not necessarily that handy around the house.

Thank God for growing up. As I grew up I also grew out of some of the things I once thought were so important. But what’s been as interesting as what’s dropped off my list is what’s remained. I’ve always wanted someone who shared the same core spiritual beliefs as I do and I’ve also always wanted someone who was kind and giving, gentle and understanding. But I also now understand that a man who listens, really listens, is essential to any strong relationship.

What matters today and what’s always mattered most is character. The body that character is housed in doesn’t have to be a 6’2”, singing football player with unbelievably long eyelashes. In fact, I’d be nervous if it was. What’s important is that we see eye to eye on the things that matter the most in life. Well, that and he’s got to have a neck. I’ve come a long way, and so has my list, but I’m not willing to compromise on the neck thing.

What’s on your list? Share yours in our comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

So what makes the elusive one so elusive – is it a numbers game? There’s no shortage of statistics that tell us the ratio of single women to men – remember the line from the now infamous Newsweek article – a  ‘40-year-old single woman was “more likely to be killed by a terrorist” than to ever marry (Newsweek later apologized for the ridiculous line.) Are we being unrealistic – do we want something, someone who just doesn’t exist? Or have we limited our own chances of meeting someone great because we’re firmly entrenched in our comfort zones and nothing short of a miracle is going to budge us.

20 years after that Newsweek article we live in a society where many single women are perfectly happy – maybe even happier – being confirmed bachelorettes. For many, being unmarried and/or single at 40 doesn’t carry the stigma it once did. And so now, the search for Mr. Right is about finding a soul companion and not about feeling the need to be married because they’re a certain age. For these women, whether the search is like the hunt for red October, or whether it takes a more laid back approach, the desire still exists to find “the one” – which brings us back to those darn lists.

At 20, the list was easy. He was gorgeous, tall, rich – but humble about it, nice – but not a pushover, sweet, kissed babies, loved his mama, had no kids, remembered birthdays, etc…and was gorgeous. And did I mention he was gorgeous? But as we get older, and hopefully wiser, the list changes a bit. We still want someone we’re physically attracted to, but what we find attractive at 40 is probably a little different than at 20 (remember high top fades?) For some of us, gone are the height requirements, the status symbols and the career requirements. We learn that men who are great fathers make some of the best boyfriends. And we now know for sure that who he is, is far more important than what he does, wears or drives. We still want the things on our list, but the list is shorter, has been tested by time, and the qualities that remain are essential.

On our search for  “the one” some of us have ventured out of our comfort zones by dating men we never imagined we would. But many of us, although wanting companionship, stay “safely” within the boundaries we’ve erected for ourselves. We’ve got a long list of the men we won’t date – men who are younger, older, fall outside of our ethnicity or race, political beliefs, denomination… and the list goes on and on.  No one’s suggesting we compromise our core beliefs for anyone, and certainly not for “the one”, but are our own fears and preconceived notions holding us back? Are we making “the one” even more elusive than he has to be? (Image: sunshinecity)

This week we want to hear your thoughts on “the one” and that infamous list. Have you ever made a list, and how do you feel about the whole list thing anyway? Are you still waiting for the one or have you found him? And are you willing to venture outside of your comfort zone to find him? Join the conversation by sharing your thoughts in the comment section, on our Facebook fan page or emailing us at contribute@womenatforty.com.