You never know what you’ll find on Facebook, and although we were holdouts for a long time, we’ve found quite a few fab finds through the web’s #1 social networking site. Here are five of our faves, and you don’t even have to be on Facebook to enjoy them, you can check them all out by visiting their websites.

1. Dove Self Esteem Fund – You may have seen the commercials on TV, but fanning them on Facebook let’s you see what other women are saying about raising their daughters in a society that often marginalizes them. The fund creates programs to help girls build positive self-esteem and a healthy body image. Their goal is to reach 5 million girls globally by 2010. Fan them here, and learn more about the fund on their website. (Image: Dove Girls – Campaign for Real Beauty

2. Revolution of Real Women – is a global movement advocating the empowerment of females in reclaiming their freedom of individuality, self-esteem and unique beauty. Why do we love RORW? This was a recent Facebook status “Skinny isn’t out. Curves aren’t in. One type of body isn’t more REAL than another. The ‘in’ body is the one YOU were born with.” Who can argue with that? You can follow RORW on Facebook or check out images of real women on Flickr.

3. Single Choice: Many Lives – We featured this documentary on WAF this week. It follows 38 year old filmmaker Anne Catherine Hundhausen as she documents women who’ve gone the invitro route, while she contemplates having the procedure herself. Fan Single Choice: Many Lives on Facebook, and check out the website here.

4. Beauty In the Eyes of the Beheld – This award winning documentary explores the blessings and curses of being beautiful from the point of view of women considered “beautiful.” The film follows eight women labeled as beautiful – two pageant winners, an exotic dancer, a former pop musician, a college student, an assistant paralegal, a physician, and an entrepreneur – and shares their stories of how concepts and realities of physical beauty have molded their lives for both better and worse. Check out the Facebook page here.

5. Wisebread – is a personal finance and frugal living forum providing tips on how to live large on a small budget. When you fan them on Facebook, you’ll get great tips on reducing spending, going green at the office and their Best Deals Daily Roundup that’ll turn you on to great online deals and freebies. Fan Wisebread on Facebook, or visit them at Wisebread.com.

For many women approaching 40, the realization of one truth might be particularly hard to bear – If they wait until they meet ‘Mr. Right’ to have kids, they might be too old to have them. And while a chorus of well meaning individuals will offer up the very viable option of adoption, for those women who’ve always yearned for the experience of pregnancy and childbirth, adoption just doesn’t fulfill their desires. So, what’s a woman at or near 40 to do?

In The Back-up Plan,  Jennifer Lopez’ character spends a few minutes, legs in the air just after being inseminated with donor sperm, wondering if she’s made the right decision.  In real life though, the decisions aren’t that simple, and the consequences can  be far reaching. In her film, Single Choice: Many Lives, 38 year old Anne Catherine Hundhausen documents her personal journey into making that very decision. Throughout the film viewers are introduced to single women like Hundhausen, who’ve come face to face with making the choice. And unlike the movie, the questions, the doubts and the insecurities aren’t answered in two hours.

The film raises as many questions as it asks – questions that are relevant to many of us. What happens, for instance, in the case of a woman who becomes pregnant at 40 through artificial insemination only to learn that her son is autistic? And what happens to society as a whole when increasing numbers of children don’t know their fathers?

We want to hear your thoughts on this subject, especially if you’re a woman who finds herself having to make this difficult choice. Please share your thoughts (anonymously or not) in our comment section, or email us at contribute@womenatforty.com.

It’s a safe bet The Back-up Plan will never win an Oscar, but it was chock full of interesting topics just waiting for great women at forty conversations, including:

• Adopting plan-B for life when plan A doesn’t happen – We touched on that in yesterday’s post, A new take on the old back-up plan.
• How our biological clock shapes our views of children and family – Upon hearing that Zoe wants to have children, her best friend asks her incredulously, “do you want to see my vagina? I’ll show you my vagina!” Err…no thanks. And just last week Jillian Michaels set off alarms when she talked about not wanting to deal with the physical changes of motherhood. Many of you sounded off on her comments and we’ll share your thoughts.
• Single moms and the movie’s treatment of them – The single moms in the group seemed to resent Zoe finding a partner, and was it just me, or did they all seem a bit odd? And we’ll join the ongoing, and sometimes heated conversation about raising kids today without fathers.
• A world without penis partners – The movie’s term not ours – yes, well…we’ll tread lightly on that one, but the term was kind of catchy.
• The “elusive one” – aka a penis partner, but so much more…

You don’t have to wait until the posts air to express your views – we want to hear what you’ve got to say, so share your thoughts anytime in the comment section, email them to contribute@womenatforty.com or post them on our Facebook Fan Page.

Saw the movie

autism, ADD http://www.newsweek.com/id/237178/page/2

A few days ago I was having a conversation with a couple of the people on WAF’s virtual panel. We were talking about having our own businesses and planning for success, but having to adopt alternatives, or back-up plans, for those times when business was slow. One of the women in the group suggested that instead of viewing alternatives as back-up plans to be instituted as last ditch efforts in the face of impending failure, we should view them as one of multiple streams of income. That is, we should see freelancing, taking on contract work etc. as alternate streams of income that should be just as valued and respected as any other. I thought that was sound advice and as I was watching “The Back-up Plan” the movie, I thought that Zoe and many of us could use a re-imagining of our own real life back-up plans.

You know the old saying “we make our plans and God laughs”? If you’ve been around for 40 years you know there’s truth in that old saying. Sometimes even the best laid plans work out very differently than we imagined.  Since that’s the case, maybe it might be a good idea to approach our lives with the same multiple stream philosophy my friend suggested.  What if we didn’t insist that there was one outcome that would result in ultimate happiness and everything else would be a distant second, third, fourth and so on? What if instead we embraced the idea of multiple streams of happiness? Maybe we wanted the marriage, kids and picket fence, but it hasn’t happened. Instead of looking at the alternative as a step down, or a life less desired, what if we really valued and respected “alternative” streams of happiness regardless of the source?

There are pros and cons to every choice we make and for every outcome of  our life’s plan. The bottom line is, if we approach our “back-up plan” as though it’s less than – then in our minds that’s what it will always be.  One of my favorite  quotes is by Joseph Campbell and it says, “we must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” The life that’s waiting for us doesn’t always fit neatly into our plans and our timing, and maybe it’s a good thing it doesn’t.

Join the conversation this week as we discuss back-up plans, single motherhood, the elusive “one” and more.

What are your thoughts on back-up plans? Do/did you have one, and have you had to use it? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

1. Don’t be afraid to make the first move – If you grew up in a time where women always waited for the man to make the first move, this will be especially difficult for you. But the truth of the matter is, many men are just as nervous about dating and approaching you as you are about approaching them. If you’ve made eye contact and you’re getting that vibe…go on over. What’s the worst that can happen? Ok, besides being rejected. If you’ve made it to 40 and lived any kind of life at all, this won’t be your first or last rejection. There’s no rule that says men can’t be shy too. I’m not saying this is necessarily for everyone, but, if you see someone you like, be the bold one. Which leads to the next piece of advice…
2. Don’t be afraid to try new things – No, we’re not talking adult friend finder here, but connecting through Facebook, Twitter and on-line dating sites is a perfectly acceptable way to meet people. Many women are fearful about meeting strangers over the internet, but the truth of the matter is that the guy you met at the bar or coffee shop can be just as crazy as the one you meet through the internet. A little thing called technology isn’t enough to keep the crazy away. But, if you do go the internet dating route, as with meeting up with any date for the first time, use common sense. Don’t  have him pick you up at your home, let your friends know where you’ll be (which will be in a public place), take your fully charged cell phone with you and some cash. Hey, we want you to be bold, not stupid. And, while you’re on that date, if you’re having a horrible time because he’s a jerk, leave! I saw a Facebook comment yesterday that said something I thought was great. She said “we’re 40 now so we have permission.” She’s right. We have permission to stop doing things we don’t like and we have permission to walk out on a jerk if we’re not having a good time.
3. Don’t tell your life story on the first date – This is true no matter how old you are. Leave the drama for the Lifetime Move Network. You’re on a date, not at a counseling session. And, if you find that you’re compelled to tell your entire story – gory details and all – on every first date, then maybe you’re not quite ready to get back into dating. Spend more “ME” time releasing whatever it is you’re holding on to. You’ll be grateful you did, and so will your future dates.
4. Don’t be mutton dressed like lamb – If you’re not familiar with that expression, it’s when an older person dresses way inappropriately for his or her age. Pamela Anderson wearing low riders and a thong is a prime example. Even if your body is slammin’ you don’t have to put it on display on the first date. Not unless it’s for sale anyway. Even if you’re with a younger man, most mature younger men who date older women, date them for their beauty and wisdom, not because they can see their thong when they bend over.
5. Don’t be afraid to be afraid – Getting back into the dating world is scary. You will be nervous, anxious and yes, afraid. Don’t wait to conquer your fear before dating again – go on that date anyway. And then the next and the next. Use the internet, reconnect with old friends, have friends fix you up – start dating to meet new people and do interesting things. Have fun with your new experiences and don’t pressure yourself to find your next boyfriend or husband. And oh yeah, don’t forget to breathe.

Got dating advice for Women at Forty? Leave it in the comment section of this post, on our Facebook Fan page, or email us at contribute@womenatforty.com.

Yesterday Rachel shared her views on motherhood. Today Grace offers her two cents, and her last two eggs…

Like Rachel, I’m heading down the road to forty, sans children. It’s interesting to note people’s reactions when they hear that I’m almost forty and have no kids. It ranges from complete surprise – I even had one clown ask me if I was sure I didn’t have any – to pity. I’ve actually seen the “bless her heart” look wash over people’s faces when I tell them I don’t have children. When I hit them with the next line “…and I’m not sure I want any” you could knock them over with a feather. I usually get that reaction from much older men (and some women) who can’t believe that I haven’t fulfilled the one thing they believe women were put on this earth to do. I can almost hear them saying “what a waste!”

I didn’t always hold the opinion that I’d never have kids. In fact as a teenager I did my senior service at Holy Name Hospital’s day care just so I could get the practice. As an adult, I’m the one rolling on the floor with the kids, playing silly games with them and generally having a ball. For a little while. After about the 23rd “do that again!” I’m good with the kid thing for about a month. When it occurred to me that with my own children it wouldn’t be that easy (or legal) to walk away, I started wondering if I was really cut out for this parenting thing. Then I got a dog and realized (to my own shame) that when he tailed me through the house from room to room and sat staring in my face blankly for hours, it kinda got on my nerves (yeah, just call me Oscar the Grouch.) With the dog, I’d throw a bone in the back yard, close the door behind him, get my freedom back for the next few hours and then be glad for his company again. Apparently you shouldn’t do that with small children.

At 39 1/2 I’ve become accustomed to being responsible for myself and myself alone. Some people say that’s selfish. I think it’s actually the opposite. I think being realistic about your age, your situation and circumstances, your strengths and weaknesses, despite the chorus of voices in society telling you that you should have a child, you should be married at your age, is actually a smart thing to do. I think, like Rachel does, that deciding not to have a child until or unless you meet a man who you know will make a great father, is a tough decision, but a wise one. I’ve always said, a man can be a lousy husband/boyfriend and still be a great father, but a bad father will never make a good husband or boyfriend. If he ignores, neglects, abuses or abandons his children, he’ll ignore, neglect, abuse and/or abandon his wife or girlfriend. Isn’t choosing your mate and the father of your children one of the most important decisions you’ll make in your life? Why then should you rush to do it just because you’re almost forty?

I think I probably have a couple of good eggs left. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone who’ll change my point of view about having children before the expiration date runs out (tick tock). But as my dog sits staring in my face for the cazillionth time today, willing me to do some Jedi dog mind reading tricks and understand his every need and desire, I’m thinking… eh, not so much.

Today Rachel touches on a topic that’s on the minds of many women at forty – motherhood. If you’re forty or almost there, and you’re not a mom, then people either want to know what’s wrong with you, or they want to know what’s really wrong with you. It seems as though it’s impossible for some people to wrap their minds around women who either choose to wait for the right man with whom to have children or decide that having children isn’t for them.  Rachel helps shed some light on the thinking behind those choices…

I’m nearing forty and I am unmarried and without children. It seems that almost daily I read about a 50+ aged woman who is pregnant or recently gave birth or I see toddlers with parents who look old enough to be their grandparents—which means the parents have to be at least 70 because with Botox, Restalyne and plastic surgery being so popular, only homeless people and hippies look their age anymore, right?

I always wanted to have children. From the moment I got my “Baby Alive” doll, fed her and changed her diaper, I felt maternal pangs and knew that I wanted to be called “Mommy” when I grew up. I became the neighborhood babysitter by 10 or 11 years old. Yes, I know that is illegal today, but back then children were allowed to be mature and independent so I helped with homework, heated up dinner and put younger kids to bed while their parents were out, for about $4 per hour.

I’m a somewhat traditional person and I believe in the institution of marriage and the idea of a two-parent household. No matter how good-looking, charming or successful a suitor was, I was always more concerned with what type of husband and father he would be. While looks, common interests and shared musical tastes may have gotten us to the point where he popped the question and offered the ring, only knowing that he would be a loving and responsible parent could seal the deal. More than one engagement was called-off once I saw a fiancé interact with a child.

My biological clock was on snooze for many, many years because I simply did not feel that any man I met or dated would make a suitable father. I had an idea of how tall he should be and what sort of physique and profession he should have, etc, but most important to me was what values he would instill in our children and how he would treat us as his family. Would he put our well-being ahead of a new 60-inch television? Would he be patient and kind with a confused little person? Would he refrain from screaming and cursing at me during heated moments because he knew he was setting an example for his children?

After many years and several relationships, there was still no alarm, no ticking sound emanating from my biological clock. I made sure it didn’t need to be wound or have the battery replaced, but everything was in fine working order. I just hadn’t found anyone who would set off the bells and whistles. I became godmother and “Auntie” to several of my friends’ children and reveled in the fact that I could enjoy the pleasures of quasi-parenting without having to change diapers, clean up vomit or watch Yo Gabba Gabba ad infinitum.

I learned not to be offended when rude people asked if there was something wrong with my reproductive organs or found it incredulous that an attractive and intelligent 30+ woman could be divorced, childless and not having a nervous breakdown or putting sperm banks on speed dial. I learned that many people do not share my ideals and values so while for them single-parenthood is an option, for me it is not. My child needs and deserves two parents because someone has to keep me from sliding off the rails and I know I can’t do that and raise a well-adjusted child by myself.

Somehow, over a period of time the maternal pangs subsided and I became content to have nieces, nephews, godchildren and random little brothers and sisters upon whom I could dote and with whom I could play. I could enjoy shopping for adorable baby clothes without increasing the inventory of my vast stretch mark collection. I could endure sleepless nights by choice and not due to midnight feedings, late-night thirst and under-bed checks for monsters. I could enjoy a varied palate that does not include chicken fingers, french fries or grilled cheese sandwiches and no one would need to drag out the Big Green Clean Machine after my meal. At some point in my thirties it became okay not to be a mother.

Ironically, I’ve been feeling pangs for the last few months. It seems that meeting THE right man will do that to you. But I have to be honest and pragmatic before making any rash or sentimental decisions… Neither of us is “young.” Would we have the energy, stamina and patience to become parents at this late stage in the game? Are we still selfless enough to put a child first, rather than ourselves—or have we passed that point of no return where we are past flexible adults and going full-steam ahead toward crotchety old folks? Only time and introspective reflection will tell, but in the meantime, I’m going to sleep as late as I’d like to this weekend, watch a couple of Rated R movies and walk around the house naked. It’ll either remind us of the joys of childlessness or perhaps contribute to the behavior that leads to becoming parents.

Rachel Dachel is a freelance writer and editor, and creator and author of the blog Rachel-y Motivated Incidents.

Which brings me to the topic of the day. As we get older, do we “lower” our standards, or do people lower them for us? Of course there will always be men who think they can approach a woman of any age, with whatever game they happen to be playing on themselves at the moment. Years ago when I volunteered to prepare dinners at a homeless shelter, I remember a young guy coming up to me as I was serving meals and asking me if we could go out. My first thought was, you need to have a place to leave before you can go out. I know, it was harsh, but sarcasm is how I deal with uncomfortable moments. And that was so very uncomfortable. I hear arguments all the time that professional women need to broaden their horizons when looking for a mate, and I’m all for that. But, I think you should at least have a place to stay before you try to pick up a woman. Don’t you?

The other incident that stands out in my mind is once again leaving a grocery store, (what is it about groceries that give old, toothless men gumption) and hearing bike tires screech to a halt as a man I can only describe as being old enough to be my grandfather, slammed what I assume was his granddaughter’s pink huffy bike into the ground. He ran up to me (breathless) to ask me for my number. I wonder if when he borrowed his granddaughter’s bike, he told her that he’d be using it to troll for chicks. While he did get a laugh out of me, he did NOT get my number.

Ok, so in both those cases the answer was pretty obvious, but in every day situations when we’re approached by men who, years ago, would not have gotten a second glance from us, are we lowering our standards or broadening our horizons when we go out with them? And then there are those of us who hear the opposite, that we’re being too picky. But when it comes to love, life and our future, can we ever be too picky?

Share your thoughts and pink huffy bike pick-up stories in the comment section, on our Facebook fan page, or tweet your response to twitter.com/womenatforty.