Editor’s Note:

Tomorrow I am leaving my fortieth year. It seemed like just yesterday I was writing about turning forty in a blog entry (Turning Forty) and how significant that event was to me. It was a great birthday accompanied by a super fantastic surprise party with my family and friends. My impending birthday tomorrow has left me reflecting on the past year. One of the things I wrote about in the Turning Forty essay was about how birthdays are a way to celebrate our lives and how they are also a chance to say “Yes, I have gotten here.”

In many ways, I have not quite ended up where I thought I would be by the time I turned forty-one. I had anticipated that the past year would lead to a significant improvement in my health as well as a return to the work force as a registered nurse. I had plans for having one of my essays published in print. I wanted to lose a ton of weight. Like I stated in the previous essay: Ahh, the best laid plans. Maybe that is why we shouldn’t make so many of them, right?

My autoimmune illness got worse rather than better. I was diagnosed with two life threatening illnesses within a span of ten days earlier this year, both of which I have recovered fully from. At least physically. The threat of what “could have happened” still lingers in my memory. I know, I really need to get over that. Although both illnesses were not lifestyle related, I hit rock bottom with the exhaustion of dealing with illness and being sick all the time. I found a way to cope with that. I took more control over my body and health by changing several aspects of my lifestyle including changing my diet, getting exercise, and reducing stress. I made a big commitment to being a healthier person.

I lost a lot of connections with some friends over this past year for a variety of reasons. I made a few new ones. In the process of both, I learned the value of quality over quantity and the importance of selecting my friends with care. As I continue to get older, I become more astutely aware of the significance that these relationships have for me and that sometimes these relationships are ever changing, just like the rest of the world is so much of the time.

In my fortieth year, I took a few risks. One of those was committing to marry the love of my life, A bold move for me because it has meant placing my complete trust in a partner. And finding out that when you are with the right partner, that trust will not be broken. I have learned over my past year with him about what it takes for a relationship to survive the darkest of hours in order to be able to travel the same path together for a lifetime.

Although when I turned forty, I felt like I had already learned the importance of living each day like it was a privilege, this past year has taught me the importance of prioritizing each of those days:

That cleaning the bathroom is not as important as spending time on the phone with a loved one.

That washing the dishes in the sink is not as important as hanging out with my fiance.

That returning emails is not as important as getting my work out done.

Although my birthday tomorrow will be much more low key than when I turned the big 4-0, I am looking forward to it. I have much to celebrate and be thankful for. The most important thing I have to celebrate and be thankful for is the fact that I get to keep going on this crazy journey which is otherwise known as my life. I am still alive. I get to experience more joy, more hugs, more tears, and more laughs. Tomorrow I get to sit back and say once again, “Yes, I have gotten here.” And like last year, I once again have the opportunity to realize even more of my hopes and dreams in the next year of my life.

I really could not ask for more.

Christine Molloy is a writer and registered nurse who lives in Western Massachusetts. She is the author of the blog Thoughts and ramblings on life, love, and health.You can find the original blog post here.

Editor’s Note:

Thanks to Facebook’s weekly reminder of your friends’ birthdays, more attention is being paid to natal anniversaries than ever. Adults particularly tend to celebrate landmark birthdays that end in a round figure. The cost for such parties, however, can easily get out of hand. In the spirit of creating a back-to-basics bash, I offer the following nine tips.

1. Discount Decorations
Dollar stores are your go-to place for party decorations. You’ll save up to 70-percent off party store prices and the selection is equally nice. Dollar stores also are a great place to finding inexpensive wrapping paper and reusable gift bags.

2. E-invitations
Facebook is one of the best ways to create a simple invitation using the “Event” function, but not everyone uses the social network. Several websites, including evite.com and SmileBox.com, offer free electronic invitations that do the trick while providing RSVP feedback.

3. Serve Finger Food
A four-course meal takes a lot of time, skill and money. Instead, keep guests happy with simple hors’ doeuvres created in your kitchen. You’ll want to avoid the pre-packaged appetizers from your grocery or specialty store as they’ll cost you 40 percent to 60 percent more than homemade.

4. Borrow Your Finery
Stepping out in a new outfit or dress shirt will surely impress your guests, but it’ll do little for your budget. Borrow something to wear from a friend for that special birthday-outfit feeling. If that’s not possible, check out second-hand stores for a bit of frugal frippery.

5. Booze as Gifts
Instead of bringing gifts to the event, ask guests to contribute booze for the celebration. Alcohol is the most expensive element of any adult party, especially if you’ve invited a rowdy crowd.

6. Skip the Cake
Store-bought cakes are often expensive and don’t always taste the best. Instead, serve simple cupcakes, baked goods, ice cream or — horrors — make your own cake from a box mix.

7. Select a Strategic Time Slot
Plan the event for directly after lunch or dinner, when guests will already have eaten and won’t expect much in the way of food.

8. Register with CardAvenue.com
Take the burden off friends by having the birthday gal or guy register for gift cards at CardAvenue.com. They can buy discount gift cards for the recipients favorite stores or restaurants and they’ll never know the cards were purchased at less than face value.

9. Don’t Stress Out
You’re less likely to buy extras at the last minute if you don’t sweat the small stuff. Your role is to be a good hostess and you can’t do that with frayed nerves.

Andrea Woroch is a consumer and money-saving expert for Kinoli Inc. As a nationally recognized media source, Andrea has been featured on NBC Today Show, FOX & Friends, MSNBC, ShopSmart Magazine, Kiplinger Personal Finance, CNNMoney and many more.

Editor’s Note: This week’s book selection, Lysterium, is written by Bethany Shelhorn and tells the story of a successful newspaper editor, a mysterious stranger and a long-held family secret. It’s reviewed by WAF community member and creator of WhereWomenConnect.com, Jeanette Harrietha. In her review Jeanette shares how she, as a woman on her own journey towards 40, connected with the novel’s protagonist, Liv Worthington…

Lysterium – Reviewed by Jeanette Harrietha

If you’re looking to escape real life for a few hours this summer, Bethany Shehorn’s fast-paced debut novel Lysterium offers just the place. While the plot moves almost too quickly at times, Shehorn weaves an interesting and intricately detailed story with the potential for a series of books with well developed characters and storytelling.

After a brief encounter with a handsome and mysterious stranger, Liv Worthington unwittingly sets out on an adventure that challenges reality as she knows it. Liv quickly discovers that the fairytales told to her by her grandmother were in fact true accounts of a magical land called Lysterium, a land Liv must defend against evil. Full of fantasy, intrigue, romance and action, Shehorn takes her reader along for the ride as we follow Liv through the complexities of Lysterium and her own journey of self-discovery.

What I found most interesting about Liv’s character was the fact that she had to first know her truth and face her fears before she could evolve into the woman she was destined to become. This created a point of connection for me, as a woman on my own journey – a journey towards 40.

Now I’m not suggesting that turning 40 provokes the same sort of fear as fighting off evil creatures in a bid to save a magical world (in fact, I’m quite looking forward to turning 40); rather, knowing that I’m turning 40 has motivated me to get better acquainted with myself and more importantly, to not let my fears stand in the way of embracing new opportunities and challenges. Liv’s character provided me with a gentle reminder that as women we don’t have to necessarily be fearless, but rather, by facing our fears we open ourselves up to the possibility of revealing our own inner heroine at any age.

Jeanette Harrietha is an educator and the founder of WhereWomenConnect.com, an online social network that connects women for friendship. She loves to read, travel, create, and make life happen by embracing new experiences! You can pick up a copy of Lysterium on Amazon.

Witherspoon said, “I get it, girls, that it’s cool to be a bad girl. But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people! Hide your face!”

Although Witherspoon is a little shy of being 40, I wondered what advice other WAF had for young women in their 20′s. I put the call out on Facebook and of course, the WAF community responded loud and clear. We’ve been there, done that and bought the T-shirt and while you’re out there celebrating your 20′s and 30′s (which you definitely should), take heed to some of what we’ve learned over the years…

“Remember to be respectful to yourself and other women, you to will be our age in 20 very short years.” – Kimberly

“Know what you want before making huge, expensive mistakes: do you REALLY want to go to grad school for that? Consider what that degree might or might not give you. And if someone (a tiger mother-ish person, perhaps) is pressuring you to go to grad school right after college, don’t do it unless it’s something crucial to your career (law school, medical school, CPA, etc).” – Clare

“1)Looks may attract a man, but character and confidence leaves him wanting more. 2)Be honest with yourself… fooling yourself into thinking you can handle certain situations will only leave you with regret. 3)Learn the difference between friends and buddies no one really has LOTS of friends. 4)Sex is meant to be special. It’s one of the most special gifts that you can give. If you were a millionaire, would you give a million dollars to someone just because they asked for it?”  – Tamika

“Make a bucket list in your 20s of all the things you want, places to go, people to see & check it off as the opportunity presents itself. When you get older there are obstacles that will hinder your list (job, small children, finances, etc) until you are older. You might feel like you are getting too old or cram everything in to the point where you don’t enjoy the journey.” – Tanya

“If you are ever on the fence about having or not having kids, babysit or better yet, foster first. Try it out before it’s too late. Also, Google “I hate being a Mom.” Don’t ever let anyone talk you into having kids unless YOU REALLY want to have them. I fostered thinking I wanted kids, and believe me, I’m so glad I was able to get out of taking care of a baby for 18 years. Even with a husband who was willing to share, it still fell on me as the primary caretaker, and I wasn’t the type. If you really want to have kids, that’s great – more power to you. But if you’re on the fence – BE CAREFUL!” – Liza

In the United States, the most popular months for weddings are June through September. A couple of generations ago, Niagara Falls was the most popular honeymoon destination. But that’s changed, and today’s brides are choosing to have their wedding in the same location as their honeymoon – it’s what the tourism industry calls a destination wedding, or “weddingmoon.”

Weddingmoons are popular for various reasons, including saving money. According to HoneymoonsBySunset.com the average wedding can cost more than $15,000, while the average weddingmoon can cost as little as $3,000. They’ve become so popular that most resort destinations now have an on-sight wedding planner.

Popular weddingmoon destinations include: cruises, the Caribbean, Mexico, Tahiti, Las Vegas, Walt Disneyworld, and believe it or not – Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Gatlinburg is known as “the wedding capital of the South.” Surrounded by the Smokey Mountains, it’s a weddingmoon destination popular for its more than 20 wedding chapels and its romantic chalets – with Jacuzzis in most bedrooms, and panoramic views of the mountains.

Disneyworld is right up there with Las Vegas as a top wedding destination in the U.S. The theme park’s Fairy Tale Wedding packages can include the chapel, cake, Mickey groom ear & Minnie bride ear hats, and a carriage ride in Cinderella’s magic pumpkin coach. And for those who think Disney is only

for families, you’d be surprised at the lodging and entertainment they have that’s perfect for a romantic honeymoon.

Not to be outdone, Sandals all-inclusive resorts has partnered with Martha Stewart to provide wedding packages costing between $1,600 and $3,700. Some of the items included in the packages are: the wedding consultant, marriage certificate, wedding cake, photographer and honeymoon dinner for two.

Back in the day, it was considered tasteless to have a big wedding at age 40. But today, many women 40 and over are getting married for the first time with all the bells and whistles. So if you’re planning a wedding, or just fantasizing for the future, consider a weddingmoon. And remember: “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness” — Mark Twain.

Kalin Thomas is Women at Forty’s Travel & Leisure Editor. She is also Senior Writer/Photographer for SoulOfAmerica. Before starting her own multimedia company, Kalin spent 17 years at CNN where she won several awards for her work as producer/correspondent for CNN’s weekly travel program, CNN TravelNow. She is currently writing a book about her travels. For more information on Kalin, visit www.seetheworldproductions.com.

by Esther Kane

Although I’m not quite sure how it happened, I turned 39 this year. This came as a huge shock as I remember my 20s so vividly- as if they were yesterday. It seems to me that once you hit 20, the process of ageing accelerates exponentially until you’ve barely gotten used to the decade you’re currently in and no sooner-whoosh! – It disappears in a flash of lightening and you’re propelled (or catapulted as it often feels) into the next decade kicking and screaming all the way.

Even with all of the blessings that have come in my 30s (i.e., material comfort, wisdom, grounding, and a great marriage), I am completely bewildered at how I could possibly be turning 40 on my next birthday and don’t exactly relish the thought. Ideally, I’d love to be able to magically mix my 20s looks with my 30s wisdom and stability and stay 30 forever, but as we all know, this is an impossibility (maybe not for long due to how advanced science is these days…)

So I guess my only choice is to proverbially ‘like it or lump it’… I choose liking it-okay, maybe I don’t exactly LIKE it, but I am choosing to feel positive, excited, and empowered about growing older. I guess it beats the alternative- being fearful, resentful, and living in regret or staying stuck by denying the entire ageing process altogether. I definitely don’t want to become one of those women who do anything and everything in her power to stay youthful looking as long as is humanly possible. I definitely don’t find that empowering.

The fact is, we are all going to get older (that’s if we live long enough and are lucky enough), so we might as well have a positive attitude about it. To end, I’ll leave you with a list of some things I hope to enjoy in my 40s- the next decade life will soon hand me:

• Continuing the amazingly rewarding and successful career I have and trying some new things like doing more video/television work, seeing more and more clients via Skype and telephone, speaking at conferences and doing more tours with my books.
• Enjoying more of the good life with my darling hubby- taking fun trips, more dance lessons, more barbeques on our back deck, and enjoying our dear friends.
• Richer and more satisfying friendships with other women- I have started to build these in my 30s and look forward to nurturing and enriching these amazing bonds with my peers.
• More time with my family- travelling to exotic places together and enjoying family vacations/family time.
• Letting go of painful things, which happened in my past in other words-more therapy!
• Enjoying my hard-earned wisdom and passing it onto future generations of girls and women.
• Accepting my looks and body, as they are no matter what age I am.
• Enjoying more hobbies I love but don’t spend enough time doing like reading, knitting, mosaic-making, dancing, and doing hot yoga.
• Doing more writing and publishing.

For more about Esther Kane and her  Making Peace with Food and Your Body Program in April, click here.

Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counselling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can learn more about Esther on her website www.estherkane.com.

This post originally ran in August, 2010.

I am a 48 yr old female, actually have 2 kids, but still, to this day never been on a real date. I seem to attract the “bad boys” and never really care in the end. I am a semi attractive woman, great sense of humor, and good Mom, but deeply want the closeness of someone who cares. It now bothers me that I have not been out on a real date, never a Valentine for me, never a gift just for nothing. Is there really someone out there for everyone? I wonder!

I think the question posed by the reader is a legitimate one. Is there really someone out there for everyone? I know we’ve all been raised on the romantic notion that yes, there really is one perfect man for every woman, but what if that’s not the case?

In a “Name it and claim it” culture which embraces the power of intention, are we setting ourselves up for disappointment by insisting that if we just “work on ourselves” true love will find us? And, am I upsetting the Zen apple cart by even suggesting that everyone who wants one won’t necessarily find a “Mr. Right?”

So, is there someone out there for everyone? And if the answer is no, does that have to be seen as a negative thing? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on our Facebook Fan Page.

When I was younger and dumber I dated someone even younger and dumber than I was. He’d been dropping hints like crazy about what he wanted for Christmas – a boxed DVD set of his favorite action movie series. It wasn’t the most expensive gift I’ve ever given anyone, but it wasn’t what I’d call cheap either. His gift to me was. Cheap, that is.

Now I know all the adult concepts surrounding gift giving. It’s the thought that counts, better to give than to receive, yada yada yada. That Christmas, younger and dumber than me got me a CD. Not a CD player, a CD. It was a new release, so I guess I should have been more excited. I wasn’t.

It wasn’t that the CD was only about $10 – I’ve gotten hand-written notes I’ve valued far more. And it wasn’t that mediocre-boyfriend worked at an electronic superstore and probably grabbed the CD off the shelf on his way out to meet me that evening. Ok, maybe it was that. But what really got to me was that he, in essence, had asked for an expensive gift knowing all along that he had no intention of getting me anything in return. Petty? I don’t think so. His gift giving tendencies turned out to be an accurate indicator of his personality and the type of boyfriend he really was. I soon realized that I was dealing with someone who was selfish and more concerned about getting what he wanted than anything else.

Thankfully, now 40 and a little wiser, I’m aware that the biggest mistake I made in that relationship was not in giving an expensive gift to someone who gave little in return, but giving something much more valuable, my heart, to someone who hadn’t earned it.

During this holiday season, amidst all the frenzied gift giving and re-gifting, I’m trying to focus on the gifts we can’t really put a price on. The love of family, trust-worthy friends and the prayers and hopefulness that brings in the new year. I’m wishing the same for all of you. By the way, I still have the CD, the boyfriend however is long gone. As my grandmother would say – “good riddance to bad rubbish!”

Merry Christmas, Happy holidays and here’s to leaving all your bad rubbish behind in 2010!

It’s all become a bit too much. What’s up with Christmas decorations on store shelves next to Halloween candy in October? And how about the word “Xmas” replacing the word “Christmas” to save space. And is it my imagination or has “Black Friday” turned into “Black Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Cyber Monday and every day until Christmas?” Hold the madness people. I like to get a good bargain as much as the next person, but the commercialism of the holidays have begun to wear on me.

I remember over 25 Christmases ago receiving a piece of jewelry from my grandmother. It was an Avon birthstone ring. It probably cost around $9 and for some reason she wrapped it inside of an empty peanut brittle box. In all the excitement of that Christmas morning, I set what I thought was my box of peanut brittle aside to eat later. Imagine my surprise when I finally opened it to find a ring. My mom hadn’t texted a long list of my Christmas demands to my grandmother, my grandmother hadn’t stood on line for hours trampling other grandmothers to get that ring, and she hadn’t maxed out her credit cards to get it.

For years my grandmother mistakenly believed that she and I shared the same birthstone and so she’d gotten the silver-plated aquamarine ring from Avon to cement what we had in common (Not only do we not share the same birthstone, but her birthstone isn’t aquamarine, but that’s not the point of my story.) My grandmother has since passed, and as scatter brained children often do, I lost the ring years later. But the thoughtfulness of that gift stays with me even today and renders her $9 gift priceless.

Before the onslaught of Wiis, DVD players in cars, 24 hour television and stores that opened at 4:00am for shoppers, I had the privilege of sitting with my grandmother for hours, listening to her tell stories and singing and dancing the “Hukilau” for her viewing pleasure. My hope is that our generation won’t be the last to grow up sitting at our grandmother’s feet listening to stories without the interruption of video games and streaming movies. I also hope that all children get to experience, at least once in their lifetime, the blessing of receiving a truly priceless gift.

I just don’t feel it. This great feeling of being 40. I turned 40 last July and ran a great marathon one day after my birthday. I am going back to school to finish my degree, and I always hear stories from women how wonderful they felt when they were 40. Why do I just feel old and depressed and think my life is practically over? What’s wrong with me?

There are many women out there just loving 40. They’re advancing in their careers, having babies, and running conglomerates from within the confines of their suburban homes. There are many women who feel like the one above – they’re just not feeling it. And then they’re the women, like myself, who fall somewhere in the middle. There are days that my vision is clear and I embrace 40 as a gift. And then there are days when I’m looking for the receipt to return the “gift” for a full refund.

Here’s a reminder about what Women at Forty is about – If you forget it, just take a look at the logo and tag line in the header – Life. Love. Reality. In our fortieth year. That means that here, it’s ok to talk about not feeling fabulous at 40. There are no hard and fast rules for how we’re supposed to feel, think, look at 40. Maybe 40 isn’t the magic age for you. Maybe it’s 42 or 43. Maybe it will be 50. The last thing I want the WAF community to feel is like we can only contribute to the site or to improving our lives and the lives of those around us if we’re all gung-ho about 40. A big part of this journey is simply being honest with ourselves, and that starts by admitting that for some of us, this aint what it’s cracked up to be.

As for the comment above – I think that if you’re going back to school and running marathons then somewhere in there you know your life is nowhere near over. As for feeling old and depressed, been there, done that…last week. And something tells me before this 40th year month week is over I’ll be there again. But on a serious note, if you feel as though your depression could be more than just the “I’m getting older blues”, I’d suggest seeing a therapist. Been there done that too.

While for some of us the reality of 40 can be a hard pill to swallow, on the other end of the spectrum, 40 can represent so much more than just getting older. On the days I’m tempted to focus on the “feeling old” part, I choose to get up and do the things I’m discovering I love to do. Having the choice and freedom to do that is one of the great things I’m learning to appreciate about 40.

I know from the emails I receive that we aren’t the only ones who get the 40-blues. Share how you’re feeling about 40 – the good, bad and the ugly – in the comment section or on the Facebook fan page. Let’s really talk about reality in our 40th year.