I’ve been journaling since I can remember. I have years worth of cute little journals dating back from when all I longed for was for so-and-so to do such-and-such or my heart would shatter. As I got older the heartfelt pining  evolved into writing about my faith, the world around me, gratitude – you name it. The one constant? Writing about my weight – how much I weighed. How much I didn’t weigh. How much weight I would lose this week and the week after that. When I got computer savvy I even started including charts and graphs detailing goal weight vs. actual weight, calories, carbs, proteins… I may have even included some algorithms and theorems. No.

All of this plotting, planning and predicting served to place the emphasis on the numbers on the scale and not what I was putting into my body. Ironically (or not) the time in my life when I was at my healthiest – when I was taking Karate classes (yes, I am, in fact, a yellow belt), playing tennis a couple of times a week, going out bowling with friends and eating a mainly vegetarian diet, I didn’t own a scale. I had no idea how much I weighed, and I couldn’t have cared less.  I also couldn’t have been happier. I miss being in that place. My mind misses that place, and so does my body.

So, why do otherwise intelligent women beat themselves up about that number? Why do we abuse ourselves mentally (and sometimes physically) in a manner we wouldn’t allow anyone else to treat us? Is it about health? For many of us yes, but it goes beyond a quest for health for many others and borders on the edge of self-acceptance and self-worth.

As I was reviewing the draft of this post I came across this post from a blogger I follow. It talks about the vicious cycle of daily weighing and why we shouldn’t do it. I couldn’t agree more. Yet, I still find myself wanting to check the scale more mornings than not.

What’s your relationship with your scale? Is it different now than it was when you were younger? Please share your thoughts in the comment section or on the Facebook page.

For weeks now I’ve been seriously rethinking this obsession I have with food and my weight. Specifically it’s occurred to me that for almost all of the past decade, my obsession with controlling (unsuccessfully I might add) what I eat and don’t eat has centered primarily on weight loss. This focus on weight and not on health has caused me to become unhealthier. Yo-yo dieting, pre-packaged diet meals, low carb, low fat, sugarless…you get the idea. My quest to lose weight devolved into me eating man made substitutes for food and came at the expense of eating food the way it was intended to be eaten.

It’s time for a change, a real change – an “I’m about to turn forty so I’ve got to start taking this seriously” change. I’ve been heading in this direction for years now, but eating for health was far down on the list, somewhere behind carb and calorie counting and fat monitoring. And while I’ve never been a lover of junk food and have always preferred fresh fruits and vegetables over sugary desserts – when it comes to food, the choices I make every day are made unconsciously, out of habit, and with very little regard to health and where my food is coming from.

In a nutshell (pun intended), clean eating is consuming food in its most natural state or as close to it as possible. It means eliminating as much processed foods from your diet as possible, and it means being conscious of the source of your food and the impact its production has on the environment. Militaristic clean eaters might have an issue with my definition, but that’s the definition that sums it up for me.  The Gracious Pantry has a great resource page about clean eating that you can access here. The turning point for me came when I watched the documentary Food, Inc. I’d absolutely recommend it to anyone curious about the source of their food – you will not be the same after watching it.

A year after test-driving my clean eating experiment I can say that I’ve adopted clean eating as a way of life.  A way of life differs from a diet in that it’s not something you ever “get off of.” So, on the (now increasingly rare) occasions that I don’t eat clean I, 1) enjoy it a lot less and 2) don’t belittle myself or consider it a diet catastrophe.  It’s not just a healthier way to eat, it’s a healthier way to think. Really, it’s a return to to the way my parents and grandparents used to cook and eat, before advertising and big business began convincing people that they had it all wrong.

Although I haven’t stuck to the $25 budget, I have been more conscientious about how much I purchase and what I’m paying for things, and in the long run that’s helped my overall budget.

So, what’s left is the weight loss. The good news is, the number on the scale is lower. The bad news is, not by much. As a child and teen I struggled with compulsive and emotional eating, and as a 41 year old woman I still do.  Like any habit/compulsion/addiction, it’s been a hard one to shake. But Rome wasn’t built in a day, nor apparently 41 years. Thankfully, I am a work in progress, not regress, and as long as I’m able, I’ll approach each day with the determination to become a healthier version of the person I was the day before. Anyone care to join me?

Grace

What would you be doing? If you know anything about me you know that I love reading and writing just about anything I can get my hands on. I can spend days doing (almost) just those two things. If I could read and write for a living that’s exactly what I’d be doing right now. The truth is, reading and writing is what I spend most of my time doing, it’s just that I’m not always reading and writing the kinds of things I want to, and the making a living part has been hard to come by. In my dream world I’d be editing or writing an article/post/book while (and this is where the ‘Where would you be doing it?’ question comes into play) sitting in a cafe somewhere in Italy. Or I’d be writing about my experiences while visiting South Africa or France or *closes eyes and picks a place on a map*, on the plane ride home. But here’s the thing, at the core of all of these dreams is a vision of myself walking for hours through the streets of a town I’m visiting for the first time, running through airports catching last minute flights and curled up sleeping blissfully (or fitfully) during a 14-hour flight. It’s a vision of a version of myself that doesn’t exist today. I have got to become a healthier me to even begin to wrap my mind around doing many of the things I want to do, the way I want to do them.

In response to those of you who say, “you don’t have to be a certain weight, size, (fill in the blank) to do (fill in the blank)” I say you’re right – for the most part. Being a smaller, healthier version of myself won’t make all my dreams reality, but it will facilitate some of them coming true. Does it mean that I won’t pursue these things until/unless I hit some magic number on the scale or size in a pair of jeans? No. The truth is, there is no magic number or pair of jeans. There is just the dream of walking and exploring for hours without feeling like I’m melting like butter on a hot pan. It’s the dream of me sitting comfortably on a plane without feeling like I’ve got to baste myself to slide into the seat. I get winded just thinking about it.

If I’m being honest with myself, being comfortable in my own skin is my biggest dream, and also the first step in making any of my other big dreams a reality. I’m viewing 40 as an opportunity to embrace change and make the changes that need to be made to get to the place and person I want to be. With a lot of hard work and determination, maybe one day I’ll be writing my book, or my next post, somewhere outside a little cafe in Italy.

What would you be doing in your dream life, and where would you be doing it? What are your thoughts on waiting to be (fill in the blank) to go after a particular dream? Share your thoughts in the comment section or on the Facebook fan page.

Editor’s Note: On Monday I shared with you the fork in the road of my ongoing health/exercise/weight loss/fitness battles. Sadly, I’m no stranger to fad and starvation diets. But today I’m sharing a great post from Esther Kane on a better path to weight loss. As a social worker, counselor and “ardent anti-dieter” Esther’s take on dealing with unwanted weight gain in our 40s is enlightening, and she offers a softer, gentler way to achieving weight loss.

Balanced Weight Loss by Esther Kane

Normally, I try to avoid talking about weight loss, being an eating disorders therapist- it can be a touchy subject indeed. But lately, I’ve come to realize that there is what I believe to be, a balanced approach to losing a bit of extra weight if you really need to for health reasons. How did I come to this realization, you ask? Personal experience of course!

Turning 39 recently has brought with it much appreciated wisdom, calmness, material comfort, and settling comfortably into myself- all of which I prayed and longed for in my teens and twenties and for which I am forever grateful. However, the not-so-easy-to-deal-with aspects have included graying hair, wrinkling skin, downward pointing breasts, and alas, weight gain. All of these have come as a major shock as somehow, I guess I had thought I would be immune to all of the side effects of ageing. But no, Mother Nature would have me learn otherwise. And while I am working really hard at growing older without plastic surgery, botox, or other toxic attempts to extend my youthful appearance, the weight gain has been a real doozy.

As it turns out, our metabolism slows down increasingly as we age and thus, our ability to burn off excess fat. I have never been obese and even at my heaviest, would be considered ‘average’ for a woman of my age, shape, and height, but the extra padding was getting in the way of my twisty-turny poses in my three times a week hot yoga class and my clothes weren’t looking as flattering as they used to.

Being an ardent anti-dieter and having had a history of a severe eating disorder in the past, I decided there was no way in hell I was going to starve myself through a rigid food deprivation regimen. Instead, over the past few months, I’ve really worked on the emotional side of things- coming to terms with the fact that I am, indeed, ageing- and that my body will naturally change it’s shape and size over the rest of my life. This is a hard pill to swallow in our shallow thin-is-in society, but a reality to which we must all succumb to someday and which is totally natural and acceptable. Overall, I’ve made a lot more peace with this fact and have come to accept (for the most part) that I have traded a young, lean body for the wise, calm, and successful woman whom I have become which is something to be really proud of and grateful for.

Add to that, keeping up with daily moderate exercise- I love and do Bikram’s hot yoga three times a week religiously- more for the stress-busting and inner peace and calm it gives me than for the calories burned. And I’ve tweaked my already healthy diet a bit more in order to boost my metabolism and achieve overall good health. I am aware that the goal is not to be skinny (my body isn’t made to be skinny no matter how hard I may try), but instead, to try and stay at my set-point weight, where I look and feel my best. This set-point changes over the course of our lives as our bodies change so make sure it’s realistic for your current age and body type.

It’s taken me about four months to lose the excess weight I had put on, and I now fit into my clothes the way I did before I gained that extra weight and it feels really good. Slow and steady like the good ‘ol turtle does the trick. And there has been no obsessing, calorie-counting, or beating myself up along the way. I really feel now that the fact that I truly love myself and mostly accept who I am and the body I have now have made a huge difference. Perhaps there is an easier, softer, and gentler way after all…

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Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counselling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can learn more about Esther on her website www.estherkane.com.

This piece was reposted with the author’s permission.

It’s ironic that just before the TMPRI, I’d decided that since so much of what happens to us in life seem out of our control – jobs, lay-offs, the economy – we should take ownership of the things we actually can control. Eating and exercising was at the top of my “Things I can control” list. Or so I thought. The next day I broke the record for the most embarrassing knee injury story ever. Coincidence? I’m not sure.

Should I be reading anything into the fact that the day after I declare absolute control over something, I lose control over that very thing? Could it be that we’re not in control of as much as we’d like to think we are? Or is the lesson one in learning to go with the flow and making things work no matter how many forks there are in the road? I’m leaning towards the latter. And so I’m starting a new week with the hope of  walking at least two pain-free days and eating healthy all seven.

I’ve been fighting this weight/health/overeating battle most of my life, and although there are times I get very discouraged – especially when I read about metabolism beating a hasty retreat at 40 – I realize that the only day I’m guaranteed to fail is the day I wake up and say I’m not going to try. So, fork in the road be damned. I’ll walk a little slower, do a bit of weight training as a commenter suggested, and see where this fork takes me.

Have you experienced any unexpected forks in the road? How are you dealing with them, and what’s the lesson you’re learning? Share your thoughts in the comment section, or on our Facebook fan page.

While there are a lot of great things about turning 40, rogue joint poppage, mutinous facial hair and decreased metabolism aren’t any of them. So here are a couple of suggestions for managing the post- 40 metabolism slow down:

• Drink 8 glasses of ice water every day – We’ve been hearing the “drink water, drink water” mantra for years, but did you realize that making it ice water forces your body to warm it up, burning calories in the process?
• Consume 25 grams of fiber a day – Beans, steel cut oats and brown rice are all inexpensive foods that add valuable fiber to your diet. Also, check your supermarket shelves for pasta and bread with added fiber.
• Cut 100 calories from your daily calorie consumption. That doesn’t mean you have to start tracking calories. This can be accomplished by doing simple things like skipping the cheese on the burger, using mustard instead of mayo and removing the skin from chicken.
• Use your major muscles – Dr. Oz suggests doing things like plank exercises and squats during commercial breaks.

On Friday, I’ll share five tips from the show for boosting metabolism, adding fiber to your diet and monitoring serving sizes. See you Friday!

Have a tip for being Fit at Forty? Share it in the comment section or on our Facebook fan page.

Needless to say the whole incident put a monkey wrench in my plan to be fit at forty. I had finally found a morning rhythm, getting up early and walking anywhere from 2-4 miles daily. I was even at the point where I was, wait for it… enjoying my walks. And then this.

I wish I could say I busted my knee hiking, preparing for a marathon or secretly rendezvousing with my mystery man one night. I wish I could say that’s how it happened. You know what really happened? I got up to take a sheet of paper off the printer *hangs head in shame* That’s it. There was no earthquake while I was reaching for the paper, and my printer didn’t start doing something out of a Transformers movie. I just stood up.

In all fairness to me, I got up really, really quickly and did an intricate kind of Matrix move to reach the printer. Because you know, you can never pull a sheet of paper off the printer fast enough.

I don’t feel too bad though, a friend recently posted a picture of himself on Facebook wearing a neck brace. And while he did sustain his injury engaging in strenuous physical activity, his Facebook status sums it up, “I got all Evel Knievel on my mountain bike, but instead of the Grand Canyon, I attempted a speed-bump sized root in the Forest Preserve. The root won.” He’s also 40. Is this some kind of trend?

I hope to get back to walking next week. But why is it so much harder to get back into a thing than it is to get out of it? Nevertheless, I have every intention of doing it. I’ve only got 9 months left on my quest to be fit at 40, and I’m determined not to let the root win.

Read more about our plans to be Fit at Forty, in the Women at Forty’s Health & Beauty section. And if you’re on your own quest to be Fit at Forty, we’d like to hear from you. Email your story to contribute@womenatforty.com.

Five months after officially ending the challenge, I have (for the most part) stuck to healthier, more conscious eating habits. The $25-a-week budget looks more like $35 now, but still, the end result is that I’m much more mindful of what’s in the food I’m eating and where it’s coming from.

After years of yo-yo dieting, my metabolism is shot, and so the weight I expected to lose during the process has been slow in coming off. I’d imagined being “fit at forty” and celebrating my 40th several sizes smaller than I am today. But a friend reminded me that I’ll be 40 for an entire year, and so I actually have 365 days to become fit at 40. Despite the slow weight loss, I have for the most part maintained my commitment to eating only grass fed and cage free meat, poultry and eggs. There have been a few occasions when I’ve been out and frankly, the lure of jerked chicken (read “why did the chicken cross the road” to understand) overrode any question I had about the origins of my food. But those moments have been few and far between. I’ve also kept to my commitment to purchasing products that contain no artificial ingredients, colors or preservatives. That’s meant smarter snacking, a lot less eating out and an overall healthier lifestyle.

Finally, I’m moving more. For a while I was playing tennis on a weekly basis and taking belly dancing classes (more on that in a later post.) These days I’m walking several times a week, and a new round of belly dancing madness is scheduled to start in July.

My goal for 40 is to be fit, mentally, spiritually and physically, and despite a few bumps in the road, I feel like I’m headed in the right direction. I’ve been down this road before, but this time my 40′s are waiting ahead of me with the hopes and dreams I’ve held dear for the past several years. This road – the one of health and wellbeing – is the only road that will take me to the places I want to go. And for that reason alone, I’m determined to stay the course.

How’s your quest to be fit at 40 coming along? Share your story in the comment section, or on our Facebook fan page.

At the beginning of this year I set out with a lofty goal of being fit at forty. I was determined to reclaim myself – my health, my time, my goals, in pursuit of a more authentic me. It started with my $25 good food challenge and a change in the way I shop for and relate to the foods I eat. It also meant a return to a time in my life when I was healthier and much more active. Three months into 2010 and I’m finding out that the authentic me is lazy, whiny and a tad arthritic. Nice to meet you – me – whatever.

Instead of being encouraged by the fact that I got out there and played tennis for the first time in years, I was majorly disappointed that I’d allowed myself get that out of shape.  Instead of taking it one day at a time like I promised myself I would do, I immediately started doing the math in my head, figuring if a couple hours of tennis could tear me up like this, it would be years, not months before I get back into anything resembling “shape.” Meanwhile back at the ranch, my chicken withdrawals are getting more severe and business is slower than expected even though I feel like I’m working harder than ever.  My “reclamation proclamation” as I like to call it, is not going quite the way I’d planned. In fact, it’s been much easier said than done.

And then I remember I don’t have to do it all today – don’t have to make it through an hour of tennis like Serena, cook like The Barefoot Contessa, build an empire like Oprah or even be as sweet and understanding as Mother Theresa, in a day. At least not this day. Today I just have to figure out how to make these beans taste like chicken, don my ankle and knee braces for another hour of tennis, and get up the courage to make those phone calls that could help me and the business reach the next level.  And I don’t even have to do them all at the same time.

How’s your road to 40 shaping up, health, relationships and otherwise? Share your thoughts in the comment section, or on our Facebook Fan Page.

I also know that his shtick revolves around being rude, crass and disrespectful – particularly toward women. This is America, he has every right to do it, and as Americans, we have the right to choose to consume it, no matter how vulgar and disgusting.

So, Stern and his sidechick, Robin Quivers, were within their rights when they decided to bless us with their opinion about Academy Award Nominated actress, Gabourey Sidibe. Here are a couple of things they said,

Stern: “There’s the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen. She is enormous. Everyone’s pretending she’s a part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie. She should have gotten the Best Actress award because she’s never going to have another shot. What movie is she going to be in?”

Robin Quivers (Stern’s sidekick – who has her own weight issues): “And Oprah’s lying and saying ‘you’re going to have a brilliant career.’ ”

Stern: Oprah’s another liar, a filthy liar. She’s telling an enormous woman the size of a planet that she’s going to have a career.”

The fact is, Hollywood has not historically written roles for black women, and certainly not for obese black women. The fact is, Gabourey is obese. I’ve watched Gabourey in several interviews and something tells me she already knows all of this all too well. But you know what else is a fact, Sidibe already has made another film, “Yelling to the Sky,” which stars Zoe Kravitz and a new Showtime comedy series, “The C Word.”  While Stern and Quivers were doing a great job reminding everyone what we already knew about Hollywood, Gabourey was proving them wrong.

As a woman who’s struggled with my weight my entire life, I know first-hand what it’s like to be dismissed simply because of the way I look. The irony of being the fattest, and sometimes only black person in the room is that to half of the room you’re invisible. They’ve already pigeon holed you into some undesirable category, deciding that you’re neither worth their time nor effort, and no amount of education, talent, skill and kindness on your part can make it not so. They even go as far as telling you you have no right to want or dream about the kinds of things they do.

I can’t stand Howard Stern and people like him because that’s what he tried (unsuccessfully) to do to Gabourey Sidibe. The reality of life in Hollywood will eventually meet Sidibe – but why take away her few minutes in the spotlight to shine? Why degrade her and try to make her feel stupid for wanting to reach for more, and be more than just an “enormous black chick?”

Stern is fortunate that white men – ugly, scrawny, fat, tasteless, hairy, hairless, untalented, vulgar – white men aren’t dismissed in the manner that women, black and white, so often are. His gain is our loss.

On an average day I couldn’t care less about what Howard Stern or Robin Quivers have to say about anything. What breaks my heart is that they are just two of many people standing in line, waiting to dismiss people’s talent, hopes and dreams, based solely on looks and personal appearance. For Stern’s sake I hope enormous black chicks aren’t the ones handing out the water he’ll need  in hell. With any luck, they’ll all be too busy chasing their dreams and ignoring as****** like him.

Image Source: MSN