8 Reasons NOT to Contact His Mistress – Part 1

Editor’s Note:  I get book pitches and media inquiries on a daily basis. I usually just skim through them, not necessarily finding them relevant for this audience, but this headline right here, got me…

8 Reasons NOT to Contact His Mistress.

I’ve never been married but know the pain that being cheated on can cause. And while I have had my doubts about a few of the men in my past, I’ve never been the tire slashing, car keying, email/cell phone checking type. Ever.

But some women are. Even women in their 40s and beyond.

And then there are women who, some may argue justifiably, want closure and who feel the best way to get that is by reaching out to “the other woman.”

This guest post from Rick Reynolds, founder of AffairRecovery.com, is speaking directly to them.Read it, mull it over, then sound off. Do you agree, disagree? Have you ever confronted “The Other Woman?” Share your thoughts (anonymously if you prefer) in the comment section, on the Facebook page, or email your story to contribute (@) womenatforty (dot) com.

8 Reasons NOT to Contact His Mistress – Part 1

By Rick Reynolds, LCSW
President and Founder of AffairRecovery.com   

When cheated on, the devastation of betrayal can make you react in ways uncharacteristic of yourself. Obsessive behaviors take over and you can end up behaving in a way you never believed possible. This isn’t only for women either; this applies to men who have been cheated on as well. If you do happen to find out who the mistress or other person is, the open wound can cause you to act out via confrontation. So what’s the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the other person? Typically it’s to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain. We think somehow that course of action provides more benefits than the alternative. Rarely have I seen much benefit, and I’ve certainly witnessed a great deal of harm. Here are 8 reasons NOT to confront them.

  1. How much information do you really want? If you think you might be able to get more information from the affair partner, you’re right, but it might not be what you want. If you have been with your partner a long time, then you’ve probably already realized that you and your mate have different subjective realities. You can have vastly different recollections of any event. For that reason alone you can certainly gain a different perspective, or details about a specific event. But you’re not gaining anything worth-while, it’s hard enough to process the information from the perspective of your mate, why add to that?
  2. Affair partners can lie. It is interesting how often a hurting mate believes the affair partner will tell them the truth and sorrowfully see the error of their ways after they realize the pain they have caused. It is not uncommon for the affair partner to tell lies and manipulate the situation to get the upper hand.
  3. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. One of the most difficult pieces of an affair to discern is motive. Frequently, there is a compulsion to discover why this has happened. Don’t be mistaken and think the answer lies with the affair partner. In reality, the affair partner has created an illusion of what your mate’s reason for cheating is. So please don’t think the causes and motives thought by the affair partner match those of your mate.
  4. Vengeance doesn’t work.When you’re really hurting, it’s really tempting to think about making the other party experience the same pain that you’re going through. The only problem is this course of action only results in self-inflicted injuries. Don’t compromise your personal integrity by acting in ways you normally would never approve of. Injuring another will never bring the peace you seek and it will only lengthen the amount of time it’s going to take to recover.
Next Week, Part 2: 4 More Reasons Not to Contact The Mistress
Affair Recovery specializes in helping people heal after infidelity. After recovering from his own affair 25 years ago and helping 2,000+ other couples do the same, founder Rick Reynolds and his team have developed research-validated, groundbreaking online and in-person programs for redeeming the losses created by infidelity, betrayal, and sexual addiction. Take the free Affair Analyzeronline assessment, to learn more, visit www.AffairRecovery.com.
Editor’s Note: Inclusion of author’s links and website is not an endorsement of his products and/or services, nor necessarily reflects the views of womenatforty.com.


Dating in the Digital Age

Editor’s Note: She’s wonderfully, happily, blissfully  (did I mention that she’s happy?) married now, but at one time guest blogger and fellow WAF Rachel, tried her hand at dating in the digital age. In this repost from 2009, Rachel shares her experiences, ever present humor and a couple of very important tips about navigating the dating scene in the digital age…

Technology is an amazing thing. It is common these days to log on and pay bills, complete research and even shop online. Shopping is especially popular and many websites allow you to custom order goods to your own exact specifications, contributing to our society’s demand for instant gratification. The internet is becoming an increasingly popular method for people to meet socially as well. From MySpace to Facebook and Match.com to Yahoo Personals, people are logging on and surfing in record numbers to find like-minded people with whom to connect and hopefully forge some sort of relationship.

It was with those same hopes that I joined eHarmony and answered a litany of questions surrounding myriad obscure scenarios in the quest to “meet my match.” After all, computers can search through thousands of flights and hotels in mere seconds when I am searching for travel options. While I haven’t actually studied this, I do believe that it is safe to say that despite being a single woman in the New York metropolitan area, I must be less complicated and complex than airline flight patterns, so how hard could it be for software to find my perfect match, n’est ce pas? So I took the plunge and began to excitedly await my “matches” each evening. I marveled at the mere thought of the cutting edge technology that would deliver to my mailbox dozens of suitable suitors who would be compatible with me on twenty-eight different levels! I quickly made a few key observations: Continue reading Dating in the Digital Age

Alone for life?

00430895“I’ll be 40 in May and I’m sure I’ll never find anyone.”  Thus begins the most recent comment posted on what is, to date, the site’s most commented on post, I’ll be 40 soon and never been in a relationship.

And there’s more where that came from.  Statements like “I turned 40 this year. It was a major bummer because…I’m still alone for another birthday” and “I am a 48 yr old female, to this day never been on a real date,” remind me that for some women, 40 is not the joyous, liberating experience it is for others.

I never quite know how to respond to these comments. I’m certainly no psychologist or relationship expert and I don’t claim to be. My first instinct is to send a virtual hug to somehow let these women know they are not alone.  I want to tell them to talk to somebody – a trusted friend, a family member and certainly a professional who can help them discover the ultimate source of their feelings.

But I don’t have to be a relationship expert to relate.  As someone who has spent birthdays alone, who has yet to find “Mr. Right” and often questions his very existence, I understand the sadness and hopelessness behind their words.  Continue reading Alone for life?

Rachel on: A new me at forty

00341738I never really wanted a new me. Sure, the old me has always had flaws; eh—doesn’t everyone? I know some women who have celebrated their fortieth or some other milestone birthday or event by “treating” themselves to a nip here, a tuck there or perhaps an injection or two… It’s not my thing, but then again it’s not my party so I’m not going to waste any time or tears crying about what anyone else is doing.

No, that’s not the new me. The new (just new, not improved) Rachel Dachel still looks and sounds the same as she always has. It’s funny; I still have the same laugh, the same walk, the same cadence to my speech. My clothes fit the same, my hair still loops, twirls and swirls in its same crazy curls. Every freckle on my face is exactly where I remember it being yesterday, last week, last month and for eternity.

I’m still left-handed. Well, yeah, I am pretty much ambidextrous, but just as I always have, I still favor my left hand and enjoy the struggle that is at times a manual can opener. I enjoy the same books, movies and music that I always have and I still drive the same car, go to the same office and have all of the same friends and family that I always have. So in essence, nothing has changed. But simultaneously, EVERYTHING has changed. I don’t know this new woman in my mirror.

Continue reading Rachel on: A new me at forty

Someone for everyone – Part 2: The solution to singleness

no single women allowedLast week I shared a question submitted by a 48 year old reader who was struggling with being single. She asked “Is there really someone out there for everyone?”

I’ve found that the knee jerk reaction of most people, particular those in relationships, is to proclaim, “Of course there is, you just have to…” What follows is usually a list of suggestions that involve some magical mixture of self-improvement, compromise, and Zen awareness. Sometimes those people are right. But sometimes even the most enlightened, well meaning, nicest people in the world will be single, whether they want to be or not.

The question got some really great comments over on our Facebook page and I wanted to share some of them with you. To read the comments in their entirety, visit Women at Forty on Facebook(Photo credit: Flickr exfordy)

Continue reading Someone for everyone – Part 2: The solution to singleness