Who said anything about a wedding??! Getting Married at Forty…

j0423082 Editor’s Note: In keeping with “tackling our fears” week, Rachel’s taking on a couple of big ones – Love and marriage at forty. She’s met the man of her dreams and ready to become a Mrs.,  but gun-shy after what she calls the “spectacular disaster” that was her first marriage, Rachel wants to know, who said anything about a wedding?

I knew I was truly fortunate when I found love again at 38 years old. After kissing more than my fair share of frogs and marrying a toad, I had resigned myself to the fact that there was no prince for me and that my happily ever after would not include a husband, 2.6 children who were conceived “old school style” and a white picket fence. I was perfectly alright with adoption and a condo, but I still really hoped to find a suitable mate who would one day become my husband.

Be careful what you wish for. I met a wonderful man in September 2008 and as unlikely as it sounds, just knew that we would one day be married from the very moment I met him. On our first date we took a photo together as a keepsake to show our future grandchildren. Sure, it sounds pretty corny and a bit absurd, but there was just something between us that we both felt but could not explain. Almost immediately friends and relatives began to inquire about our plans for the future and when we would marry, and we just smiled, chuckled and replied “we’re talking about it.”

Talking about it was working out just fine for me. It gave me the security of knowing I had a committed relationship with a loving man who wanted to build a life with me, without the anxiety of planning a glorified party where everyone would gawk at me as I stumbled down an aisle and hurled myself toward the object of my affection and obscenities would fly from my mouth as the church crumbled around me. We dated, exchanged keys, met one another’s families and began to build that life as a couple. Relatives would say “Where’s Corey?” before even greeting me if I dared to enter a family function without him. My favorite niece greeted him as “Uncle Corey” the first time she met him and asked if she could be in our wedding the second time.

Wedding? WEDDING?!?!Who said anything about a wedding? Sure, I had pictured myself marrying this wonderful man, but my visions were more along the lines of a date at city hall, a weekend in Vegas with a drive-thru ceremony or perhaps an isolated Caribbean beach at sunset. He knew that I was a bit gun-shy after the spectacular disaster that was my first marriage and still traumatized from the divorce. He also knew that I greatly dislike being the center of attention, so he never pressed the issue of marriage or a wedding. We just accepted that marriage was something on the horizon for us and I took it for granted that he wanted the same no fuss-no muss, low-key nuptials that I did.

I’m glad that I didn’t bet on that as a test of our compatibility. As it turns out, Corey wants a church wedding with flowers and attendants and a reception to follow. Who knew? After months of attempting to camouflage my wedding-related anxiety by simply not discussing it, we finally decided to sit down and make some decisions and move forward in our relationship. It was then that I had the revelation that as a never-before-married only child, Corey wanted to have a traditional wedding filled with family and close friends, complete with dark suit, wedding dress, bouquet and tiered cake. Really…Who knew??

Did he forget that I eloped the first time I got married? Had the terror I described of having to plan a wedding conveniently slipped his mind? Had he gone mad? No—none of the above. He simply loved and trusted me enough to be honest with me about what he truly wanted for himself, for our families and for me. I cannot fault him for that, not in a million years.

While I am definitely more interested in a marriage than a wedding, I am happy to agree to the latter in an effort to begin the former on the right foot. After all, isn’t marriage ultimately about compromise and partnership? Are my anxieties and neuroses more important than his hopes and desires? Definitely not. So, we’ve set a date and chosen a location; I’ll be 40 years old when we take our vows—two milestones in the same year. Now we have to choose colors and menus, flowers, attendants, etc. There’s also the matter of the dark suit and the wedding dress…I hope he shaves his legs.

  • Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I'm giggling at the leg shaving comment!

    Weddings seem to me to be events for everyone BUT the 'happy couple'. Though I got married at 30, not 40, I didn't want a big old traditional wedding. Our approach was to think of it more as a party. A party we wanted to attend, not just plan. With that in mind, we kept it simple. Pretty wedding dress for me, dark suit for him. No big wedding party, just a best man and maid of honor. No big sit down dinner, but a buffet. No 'favors', just disposable cameras (no photographer or videographer, either). We didnt' break the bank on it (the biggest expense was flying my hubs family up for the big day) and because we took the party approach rather than the wedding approach, we didn't issue a single obligatory invite: The ONLY attendees were those nearest and dearest to our hearts.

    P.S. When shopping around for wedding things/services, tell them it's a party, not a wedding. When it's a wedding, the costs tend to shoot up. When it's a party, you're not such a 'mark' to those in the wedding industry.

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  • racheldachel

    Thanks so much for your well wishes, they are very much appreciated!
    Your wedding sounds as though it was an absolute blast! Part of me longs for something more like that where we can relax and enjoy the day, but the bigger part of me wants to give Corey and our families the day and the memories they have imagined for quite a long time.

    I am totally with you on saying “party” in lieu of wedding as it does make a considerable difference in price, but Corey “doesn't want to begin our marriage with dishonesty” so he is intent upon saying it is a wedding and I am intent upon allowing him to negotiate and haggle!

    Thanks for reading & commenting and I'll be sure to do a follow-up to let you know how it all turned out!

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  • Dorothy Rodriguez

    My husband and I took off one weekend and got married. We were both in our 40s and after years of saying (both of us) I will never get married again! Anyway, Rick said one day out of the blue, “Well do you want to do it?” I was like it what it? The M word he was afraid I would say no to. Anyway, I said yes and we never looked back. We retired early, bought a little farm in WI. We have chickens, horses, cats, a dog, and now a new calf. We work sometimes harder than when we had a job, with all the animals and the garden in the summer. We laugh, and sometimes we even stay up all night watching tv, or talking in the dark about our hopes and dreams. Marriage the second time around can be wonderful. Rick came into my life when I was in a very dark time in my life. He has made all of my dreams come true, most of all a life filled with love.

  • womenatforty

    Congrats on finding love and happily re-marrying in your 40's. It's great to know that in our 40's our lives can lead us in directions we never imagined!

  • Cindy

    I’ve got to let you know that I truly enjoyed reading this article. I am a 21 year old student, who is currently writing a paper on marriage and comparing age groups as well, which is why I happened to stumble upon this website. Anyway, thank you for the insight and humor. I wish you much much happiness : )